Zombies and Bear Traps

Author’s Note: Even if keeping calm is freaking important, there are times when we feel like cursing and wrecking anything and anyone around us can get us out of our problems. Still, do your best in not letting idiocy take control of you.


A hunter was called by the sound of metal teeth biting hairy flesh.

“Sucks for both of us, huh?” said the lean and tall hunter. He wore slightly tattered gray shoes, slightly tattered gray pants, and a slightly tattered gray shirt. Long and uncombed black hair, unshaved facial hair, a small frown, and the gray shadows under his bloodshot eyes were the most prominent features of the hunter’s face.

Meanwhile, the bear simply whimpered, struggling to get its leg out of the metal jaws. It was a bear with black fur.

“You seem like…a honey bear?” the hunter added as he sat down on a rock beside the bear. “I’m not sure, though. I was already going to learn more about you and a bunch of other animals in a field trip, but shit happened.”

The bear still whimpered. It reached a paw to its bitten foot, attempting to save it from the clutches of the metal.

“You probably wouldn’t believe me,” the young hunter continued, looking up to the cloudy afternoon sky, “But zombies are all over the place now, and it’s because of that that my field trip went to hell. And if I die, I turn into a zombie! Well, shit! And I thought that I wouldn’t turn into a zombie if I wasn’t bitten! Is this like, what, The Walking Dead or something? Still, shit!”

The hunter received a whimpering response. The bear kept on pawing on its trapped leg.

The hunter sighed, stood up, and sighed again. “And now my stupid jerkass companions asked me to kill an animal!” He tapped his hands on his thighs. “Of all the shitty things they’d ask me to do, they asked me to do this! Really insulting, right? And I even complied! Shit! Somebody shoot me in the face already!”

The crying continued. The soft clinking of metal kept on ringing.

The hunter squatted in front of the captured creature. “You know, I’m a vegan. Never really liked the idea of killing adorable animals like you ever since I started high school. Tofu, bean sprouts, and a bunch of other plants are pretty much my protein sources. The people out in that cabin where I’m staying, they let me eat veggies and don’t force me to eat animal stuff, and that’s great. They just asked me to kill an animal because they weren’t going to take their eyes off this kid that they suspected to be some criminal from somewhere! Shit! And I only went because they threatened to kill me if I didn’t! If they’re going to be worried about someone, they should be more worried about themselves! Shit!”

The bear did not care about the drops of saliva that landed on its face. It still kept on touching its trapped leg.

Another sigh came out of the hunter’s mouth as he stood up and stretched his arms. “I believe that you animals have free will and intelligence, but you know what, I’m starting to doubt that. Or maybe I just need to learn your language. If I do, then I’ll probably learn a lot of amazing secrets, and I’ll tell all those meat-eaters that they shouldn’t be killing awesome animals like you. You critters don’t need to be sacrificed, you know. Like, you animals are living happy lives. Probably. To be honest, I’m starting to feel doubts. Do you even understand what I’m talking about?”

The response was another set of whimpers.

“Seriously, what you’re doing is fucking stupid, just like how I usually reacted when my companions and I were attacked by that gang of living humans! I do things that I don’t want to do! Like killing people! I don’t like killing people, even if they’re jerks! They can do better than that! And my instincts suck! I just went along with their stupid reactions, and now look at me! Come on, look at me, you stupid bear!”

The bear was still focused on getting its leg out of the trap, not even giving a glance to the hunter with wide-open eyes, clenched teeth, and clenched fists.

“Shit, is this depression taking its toll on me…?” the hunter grumbled as he ruffled his messy hair. “Zombies seem like the smallest problem in my list of problems…I feel like this bear on the ground, and why am I not even trying to deal with those shitty companions of mine when I can actually do something like sneak into their storage cabin, take their stash of guns, and then keep them from shooting me!? Why did I not think of that!? Seriously, I’m so silent and compliant around them that they actually think that I’m the most trustworthy person in their crew! Well, KEEP ON FUCKING YOUR STUPIDITY, YOU SHITS!”

Suddenly, the sound of dry leaves being slowly crushed resounded. Quiet and monotonous expressions of hunger accompanied the crushing of the leaves. The hunter took a deep breath after letting his anger out through his words.

“Well, shit,” said the hunter with a frown and folded arms. “Speak of the smallest devils in the list. I guess that’s pretty much my signal to start dealing with all those bigger devils.” He then turned to the trapped bear. “Sorry, buddy, but I gotta go. I don’t wanna die, and I don’t wanna stay in that shithole forever. And you’re still doomed even if I took your leg out of that trap. Shitty, huh? I’m really really sorry. And I’m really really sorry to whatever family you have that’s waiting for you right now. I’ll make sure to give those shitty companions of mine a lesson or two when I get back to them, save that poor kid, and then run away with the kid to somewhere safer. Yeah, that’s probably gonna be a good way to kill this fucking depression of mine.”

And then the young hunter started running back to the cabin where he stayed. He shouted as his legs quickly crushed dry leaves.

“I’D RATHER BE WITH ZOMBIES THAN ANY OF YOU SHITS!”

The hunter picked up his axe, which was left leaning on a tall tree, and continued to run before turning and rushing back to the bear.

The loud roar of a bear echoed through the forest. The hunter jumped back to avoid the the bear’s claws that were swung at him.

“Live on, bear!” the hunter said with a teary smile. “You may have a chopped-off foot, but you got your hand claws and your teeth! Go get those zombies! Save yourself! And I’m sorry!”

And then the hunter ran away before a zombie could lay its hands on him.

As for the bear, it struggled to stand up, roaring and crying in pain as it did so. A zombie was already nearing the bear, and the noise that the furry creature made attracted the attention of all the walking dead near it. The bear threw slashes and tried to knock its attackers away. It continually flailed its claws at the zombies, even when they started sinking their rotten teeth on its body. The bear cried louder and louder, beating the volume of the gnawing and biting sounds of the mob that tore its skin, flesh, and organs apart.

Eventually, the bear fell to the ground and went silent. Several seconds later, the temporarily satiated zombies stood up and walked away. Putting aside the slow crushing of dry leaves and the quiet and monotone voices, silence reigned in the forest.

Several minutes later, a mob of zombies was called by the sound of exploding gunpowder.

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