Operation: Kill Tobby’s Social Internet-Sightedness, Phase 1

This morning, my dad told me off for using the computer without asking for his permission and for using it very early in the morning, especially when I haven’t gotten enough sleep. When my dad told me off and asked for my laptop, I felt really annoyed. It’s like my stomach was slowly twisting and turning itself into knots, causing pits in it to appear in the process.

I guess that’s how I end up feeling when I find a lot of friends in the Internet and not much in face-to-face interactions outside the Internet. In the outside world, the worthwhile people seem to be non-existent. I think “hard to find” would be a better term for them, but it’s not like I have enough willpower to try to find one in the outside world when I have homework and so many other responsibilities to deal with. I do find it important to be in the outside world; after all, I have dreams that need to be fulfilled that require doing that.

But life has taught me that I need a trustworthy companion to keep me in line everyday. Indeed, self-reliance is important for it can make work more efficient, but that does not mean that relying on other people is unimportant. Self-reliant people don’t reach a sufficient level of self-reliance by themselves, you know. Trustworthy companions are important, alright. I love my family, I greatly appreciate my friends, I don’t like underestimating acquaintances and colleagues, I like teachers and superiors who do their job well, I don’t mind getting married to the girl who’s right for me someday as well, and I don’t like hating any person’s existence.

There’s something that I’d like to say, though.

If only I had some interesting companions nearby everyday. Not just in the Internet, but outside the electronic sea as well. Thing is, I’m socially Internet-sighted. You remember the second paragraph? That feeling where worthwhile companions seem non-existent in the world outside the Internet while the Internet seems to have all the worthwhile companions? You can call that social Internet-sightedness. It’s probably not in the dictionary, so just remember near-sightedness and far-sightedness and I guess you’ll understand what I mean.

So yeah, I think I’m like that right now. And I think it’s definitely a problem, even though some stupid part of me thinks that it’s okay for me to live with it. I got dreams that require social interaction outside being in front of computer, stupid side! Freaking sticks, go kill yourself already, stupid side…

Anyway, I’m socially Internet-sighted, and it’s a problem for someone like me. I’m not a loner, but someone who’s mostly introverted and really selective of who I hang around with. As I’ve said, I know of the importance of having trustworthy companions, such as friends and family, but the social Internet-sightedness is getting in the way. My recent daily life has been filled with me feeling like no one outside the Internet would care much about all the stuff I’m interested in, which are mostly things that I had discovered through the Internet. A lot of the stuff I’m interested in seem to be things that most people outside the Internet wouldn’t care much about. And then there’s people being greatly held by stupidity (not like the Internet doesn’t have people like that), and I guess can say that they’re a major contributing factor in the worsening of my social Internet-sightedness. It’s not like I’ve completely lost faith in humanity, though. The current social condition in my environment outside the Net is just too much for someone like me, someone who hates big loads of annoying stuff in my senses a lot.

With the worsening of my social Internet-sightedness, I have a higher risk of having Internet addiction (Wait, I think I already have some level of that in me, ugh…), and I’d probably end up a sad and stupid wreck by the time I go lazy NEET shut-in or something similar because of it. If I do end up being that sort of wreck, I think it’ll be maintained by me doing some seemingly rational but actually deceptive and irrational self-justification that would ruin all of freaking humanity, followed by humanity doing mass suicide or something gruesome like that.

I do not want to become the leader of something like Ultimate Despair, damn it. I WANT TO BECOME A SERVANT-LEADER FOR SOMETHING LIKE THE FUTURE FOUNDATION!

…*sigh*…I wish at least my family would try to know a lot about the stuff that I like, such as KagePro. And Dangan Ronpa. And Let’s Players and video games. And so much more that you’d be really likely to stop reading this post by the time you completely read the full list. That way, I guess hanging around my family in our household would be less boring, and I’d probably be more motivated in following their orders if they did some hilarious reference that would end in one or more of us family members going hammy (but not neighbor-annoyingly hammy) and then doing some proper stuff like household chores so energetically. Like, I think it would be fun if my family seemed like the main cast of some light, inspirational, and friendly family and slice-of-life comedy.

It looks like I need to lure them into my world. Not the stupid and perverted Internet addict world; that dumb world can go implode on itself right now. I gotta freaking make the good stuff that I discovered in the Internet into fuel for living life outside the Internet even more better! YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

But how to do that, though? Let’s think, Tobby.

I tend to go into interactions with people when they like talking about things I like or when we need to talk for stuff like school and work, and if they don’t seem interested, I won’t bother so much with talking to them. Thing is, with that approach of mine in social interaction, schoolwork and other sorts of work have gotten more boring. Like, is there no really no way to make the work that we’ll be doing entertaining without violating someone? I need to freaking go by a different but still good approach.

Now, we need to do some concrete moves if we want to get more worthwhile companions, Tobby. As of now, trying to find friends in the outside world is like trying to do the Aussie walk in rappelling (which is, in my mind, currently a rappelling method of the world of nightmares), and right now, the Internet seems like the best way to get more of those potential outside world friends to approach me more, so what I do need to do?

Get someone to share your works and the stuff that you like, Tobby. Be more persistent (don’t be rude, though) with getting people to check and share your stuff out. People who would probably be the least annoyed when you increase your persistence would be your parents and that one close friend of yours who lives in the neighboring city, who we shall call Shirokage for now. Oh, and maybe that one classmate of yours as well. But still, you gotta step into the courage zone. Keep on trying to properly convince people to check out your work, give honest feedback on them, and share it to their social circles in the Internet! And don’t forget to do your best with making your work, Tobby! You gotta do your part, you know!

And I think trying to get Mom and Dad into some of your interests while trying to get into some of theirs would be great as well! Maybe they could have some more entertaining and inspirational days knowing about KagePro with them, and maybe you’d even have entertaining and inspirational days doing their favorite physical exercises and sports with them! Get into their interesting hobbies, and try to show them that your hobbies can be worth some of their time! With that, I think both sides would find more effective ways to convince each other to do good things. Like, I think we can use KagePro characters to inspire each other to do something good, like, “Remember Momo?” or one of us sings Otsukimi Recital or something like that. I guess your days would be less boring if you got them in your hobbies, and I guess their days would be less boring if they found your hobbies worthwhile.

So yeah, start with your parents. Or your second and third siblings. Or the people near you that you can talk to about your hobbies and their details comfortably. Once you succeed, I think you’ll gain more confidence, especially with those people surely backing you up in living life properly even more!

And eventually, if you do it right, that social Internet-sightedness of yours will be vaporized, and we’ll all be happy and dance in fields of harmless flowers as we see that disease get murdered by our rays of friendship and goodness. It’s going to be beautiful…


Operation: Kill Tobby’s Social Internet-Sightedness, Phase 1, begin!

Please listen to your children as well, dear parents

Upon my father’s suggestion–no, order to do something productive other than using a computer for two weeks, here I am, writing a blog post in a computer while out of the range of my parents’ senses. I know of the importance of chores (such as going to the grocery, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, cooking my food, and cleaning my room) and exercise, for I need to eat adequately and maintain my health in order to do the work that I must do. I know of the importance of reading worthwhile books and study material, for I need knowledge in order to do my work better. I know of the importance of interacting with people, especially face-to-face, for I cannot carry out a lot of the work that I must do without interacting with another person. I know of the importance of going to school and properly accomplishing enough years there, for most of my potential employers find it hard to trust someone with a job without the potential employee having a legitimate-looking piece of paper that’s supposed to prove the existence of their awesome skills (Freaking nuts, I feel like we humans are greatly underestimating ourselves a lot lately). I know of the importance of engaging in proper work, for I and the world around me need it to progress towards betterment and to keep ourselves from crumbling into millions of sad and dysfunctional pieces. I know that I am suffering from Internet and computer addiction, as shown by my horrid time management and social skills (Remember my recurring lack of sleep and my stuttering and pausing?). I know that my parents cannot do help methods that are beyond our family’s available resources, as shown by their repeated reminders and complaints about the amounts of money and energy that they are spending for the family’s needs. And I know that my parents care for me and my siblings, as shown by them working their current jobs even though they don’t like a lot of stuff about their jobs, them willingly trying to listen to me when I ask them to have a conversation with me, and the order that I mentioned in the first sentence of this paragraph.

But hold on, am I supposed to think that all my suggestions regarding how I should deal with my problems are useless and stupid? Am I supposed to think that with the way I am right now, sneakily writing and posting this blog post on the Net because I find it hard to express myself via oral communication, I am completely unable to help myself? Are all my parents’ advice and commands that they use–those things that my parents think are right–for dealing with socially awkward and Net-addicted me supposed to be called right and all my suggestions wrong? Am I supposed to consider myself completely useless because I’m addicted to the Net? And am I supposed to just follow all my parents’ orders?

Sure, I would follow some of my parents’ orders. Sure, I would do chores before all the gadget time. Sure, I would exercise regularly. Sure, I would try to study and read books, finish this messed-up semester of mine with the best of my ability, transfer to the Open University, and go properly get a bachelor’s degree. Sure, I would try to engage in proper work within the range of my abilities. Sure, I would try to kill my Internet and computer addiction. Sure, I would try to uplift my family while killing their boredom. And sure, I would try to make friends with real people.

But don’t dismiss me as useless. Don’t ignore all my suggestions. Don’t think that I’m unable to help myself. Don’t think that I’m not trying to do something good for you and me. Don’t think that I’ll follow everything you say. Don’t think that I don’t want to improve myself. And don’t insult me.

Insult my freaking stupidity only, please. I think you’re accidentally insulting the wrong target, Dad. I’m not as weak and stupid as your currently dominating stupidity thinks. I may be bad at oral communication right now, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t express myself nor am I unable to improve in oral communication. I may not know some important stuff right now, but don’t ever forget that I can learn. I’m like my youngest brother–dumb-looking and hard to handle, but capable of learning important things and surprising stupidity-dominated people.

Don’t underestimate me, my dear parents. Don’t underestimate us children.

Planning and Rehabilitation with Tobby the Creative Writer

So, Tobby, you’ve gotten yourself in a bad situation involving Net addiction, failing subjects, bad time management, increased social awkwardness, and a strained parents-and-child relationship. Well, before we go thinking about how to deal with these issues, let me tell you something.

You managed to survive several years of bullying during grade school, you managed to report a bully properly during high school, you properly passed your basic education years, you managed to properly pass the University of the Philippines College Admission Test, you managed to keep up a blog for a personal-record-breaking one year, you can wash dishes, sweep and mop floors, feed cats and dogs, clean up your room, water plants, make people laugh, and you even have a freaking real person who’s a fan of your mostly Japanese song covers! Oh, and you’ve made some precious friendships that are still standing today. Don’t forget that.

Think of looking at that previous paragraph like it was your necessary review of your stats in a strategy role-playing game. Think of it as not just a look at your weakness, but a look at your strengths. You may not be good at everything, but you’re good at something, and that thing where you’re good at can help others be happy. Oh, and you have more than one thing that you’re good at. It may not be amazing to everyone, this skillset of yours, but someone’s definitely gonna find it amazing.

Now, let’s talk about one thing that you’ll need to learn: household chores. No, you won’t be losing Net time permanently, you crazy bear. You’ll definitely need to use the Internet sometime, considering your social skills in the outside world and what sort of work you want to do in the future, but you gotta remember basic needs. Don’t do household chores just because Mom and Dad said so, but because you have basic needs that should be fulfilled during everyday life.

And now, the thing in the way of you learning about doing the adequate amount of household chores…I think it’s your Net addiction. No, I told you that you won’t be permanently stopped from swimming in the Internet, Tobby. You need balance, crazy bear. Since it seems like your inhibitions go out the window and shatter into a million dysfunctional pieces whenever you get your hands on a computer/smartphone/tablet and a powerful enough Internet connection while no one important is watching over your time management, you should try using it when people like Mom and Dad are around. Or maybe you could go use it when they’re not around, after you do chores. But maybe the former idea seems like a better idea. Remember how tough it is for you when no one important is watching over you? Well, I think you should just talk with them about one of your parents timing your usage after doing the usual chores and studying or during your free time. And try timing your Internet usage by yourself as well…scratch that…for now, I think you should try having someone in your family watch over you and your computer usage time.

As for Internet usage, please reduce your fanfic reading and video watching. Yeah, they’re entertaining, but you’ve got important stuff to do, and some of the fanfics and videos that you check out aren’t really worthwhile for your brain in the long run. Remember how headache-inducing one of the fanfics that you’ve been reading is? Yeah, what a reminder about how much and what sort of action and complicated stuff your mind can take. Also, some videos that you watch, specifically Let’s Plays and stuff like skits and music videos, maybe you could make doing that more worthwhile by watching it with someone like a family member or a friend. Sure, maybe it can be uncomfortable at times, but you gotta remember that your fellow viewers can have different opinions, and that there are reasons behind why they have those opinions. Don’t worry, because there will certainly be someone who will like what you like. And you should try explaining why you like what you like. And as for song covers that you like watching, maybe you could go have them playing while you’re doing chores so you don’t waste time locked up somewhere like your room, checking out how someone’s singing sounds.

Oh, and remember your song covers and all that art stuff and writing stuff? Share them to your Facebook friends. Share them to the Internet. Make them properly and make them worthwhile for your audience. Kill their boredom while uplifting their souls! Remember not to spend too much time on making and sharing those stuff, though. You got basic needs that you need to fulfill in everyday life, you know!

Ah, and school. Yeesh, the state of your academic affairs reminds me of Hibiya Amamiya being smashed by a truck. Or the Mekakushi Dan while facing the Wide-Awake Snake personally. In other words, your performance in school is a wreck. Your absences in classes seem to be reaching a point where you’ll fail because of going over the absence limit. Well, if you can still attend some classes, do what you can. Learn what you can while you prepare to transfer to the Open University. I feel like you’ve been undertrusting your professors and classmates. You seem to be like Marry Kozakura while being in despair because of the Wide-Awake Snake’s cold murderous rampage, both unaware of Ayano and Shintarou’s saving presences. Take it step-by-step, Tobby. If you fail this semester despite doing what you can do, then try again in the next semester. Any rage involving reimbursements to be paid back because of failure in the semester is understandable, but should not drag you down from trying to be better.

By the way, don’t stop blogging. Don’t stop your work here in the Net. Don’t stop writing those pieces of fiction in your mind that are waiting to be developed. Remember, you need balance. You need enough. You can hang out with your precious friends and make more precious friendships here in the Net, but remember that you have needs that involve being outside of the electronic blue sea. You can do well, Tobby. Kill boredom while uplifting souls. Do your best, have fun, keep calm, look at the bright side, and friendship for the win.

Here I Am, In The Internet

I’m introverted and socially awkward. When I’m outside, trying to interact with people, I’m usually a stuttering, pausing mess who spends most of his response construction time thinking that my listener is looking down on me. It’s hard to find trustworthy people outside.

So here I am, in the Internet. People reveal sides they don’t usually show to others in the outside world. Even though people can easily hide themselves in this electronic blue sea, people can also easily reveal themselves and easily find other people here. Combined with faster processing speeds, finding someone to form a friendship with became something that I really liked.

Yeah, I guess I really like forming friendships without having to go out of my room, without going out of the comfort zone. But I already know that that’s stupid. I’ll need to go out sometime. I’ll need to face conflict.

But when I try to train myself in the outside world, in school, I easily find myself in difficulty. When I end up having an awkward conversation, or a conversation that didn’t go as long as I wanted to, or when I fail to do something like homework right, I start feeling like I shouldn’t show myself to my classmates and teachers. When I think about it now, it’s like when I try to exercise. I try to do it because I know that it’s important, but when I try to make a habit out of it and I encounter difficulty, I easily give in to weakness and I start sinking into a pit of freaking misery, butt-biters, and paranoia.

The number of people who seem trustworthy to me in the outside world feels like zero, so here I am, in the Internet. I had met and made a close friend here, and even if we’ve had some conflict, we’re going along well. And I’ve found more people who I can talk with about stuff that many people in my home, school, and local community wouldn’t care much about. I feel like my social skills are getting better there.

Still, I have this paranoia, the feeling that my listener is looking down on me, that comes up a lot whenever I talk to a person in a face-to-face conversation. And I need to have decent oral communication skills, and I think I can improve, but I feel like I can’t.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to find a way to improve myself and my social skills.

And then there’s this bad habit of me procrastinating on many things, including sleep. I try to ask my parents and friends for help, but my friends aren’t there for me all the time, and when my parents try to remind me, I glare at them and grumble and ask for more time with my gadgets, especially when I’m in the middle of something fun in my electronic blue sea swimming time.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to ask for help.

My condition in school hasn’t been going really well lately, considering that I’ve been procrastinating a lot and that my social awkwardness is giving me a hard time in social interaction and group works. I’ve gone absent from classes for more than a week now, and I feel like transferring to a distance education program.

And here I am, in the Internet, wanting to be a hero.

But I’ll need to go out of my room, out of my house, and go meet people face-to-face. I’ll need to stay away from my Internet connection, lessen time with my computer and smartphone, cut off my only way to effectively interact with other people.

But I don’t think I can handle being in the outside world, so here I am, in the Internet.

I want to improve my social skills. I need to interact well outside the electronic blue sea. I need to go out to get what I want. I want to be a hero, to be happy, to make others happy.

So I need to take some time away from the Internet. I won’t stop connecting to it permanently, but I’ll be out for a while.

So here I am, in the Internet, writing a goodbye to the electronic blue sea as I go get my broken self repaired.

I’ll be back, Internet. Maybe once or twice a week, I don’t know…It depends on what my parents and I will agree on…

And I’ll make sure not to drown in you next time, Internet.

Meanwhile, I should spend some exercise time on swimming in actual water…

Tobby and the Importance of Style in Teaching

In my second year of studying Creative Writing in the University of the Philippines, I’ve learned to put more value in how I present my writings. In the workshop sessions in my CW 100 classes during the past semester, the thing most focused on there would be how the stories of us students and how the audience is most likely to react. The main thing to be improved in a story in the writers’ workshop is not the moral of the story, but how the story is presented. I don’t really mind the technique being the main focus of the writers’ workshop, especially after going through several Creative Writing classes, interesting presentations, and boring presentations.

After all, not knowing how to teach a good lesson to someone is just as bad as teaching a bad lesson.

As I go through life learning about the importance of style in writing and art, I realized that style is also important in socializing. My parents would tell me to smile, even if I’m feeling down, or else people would stay away from me. I don’t agree with that stupid action, but I think I understand why they ask me to do that. Looking happy increases my chances of getting people to talk to me, and my chances of making friends increases as well, because who the freaking nuts wants to interact with sad people?

“Oh, me, me! I wanna interact with sad people because if I don’t, I won’t understand a lot about how to make them happy!” says the crazy bear seriously. And yes, I agree with the crazy bear. Interacting with happy people shows me what makes people truly happy, and interacting with sad people shows me what makes them sad and what I should do and not do in helping them be happy. Oh, and I hate being apathetic to sad people when I can do something to help them.

But now that I think about it, yeah, I find it really hard to approach people who frown hard and look at me like I’m trash that they want to throw into an incinerator and never see again. I need more calmness, optimism, and social skills training.

Hm, style is important, too, alright. Thank you very much, Creative Writing workshop sessions.

Still, I hate lying. I hate hating people as well. And I hate being forced to do things against my will, especially when I’m in a weakened state. And I hate being looked down on. I like getting feedback, but I hate being looked down on.

You know what, I should just try expressing the importance of interesting style in teaching lessons by using an interesting style. How about I express it like this…Imagine two different groups of protesters, both protesting against their stupid government in front of their apparently corrupt Head of State’s residence. One of them hotheadedly asks to step down while charging towards the guarded entrance and threatening to break down the door and all the property there if they don’t get what they want. Said hotheaded group also spews insults at the government, calling them names, comparing them to trash, and similar crap that shows that they don’t believe in the government officials’ potential to do better. The other group of protesters orderly stands outside the building and uses a microphone-and-speaker set to call out to the Head of State. The calmer group asks for the Head of State to come out, wishing for the government to listen to their bosses, the people, and understand their suffering. As the Head of State does not come out yet, each of the microphone-and-speaker set users speak stories about the problems that they’ve experienced recently because of foolish government actions. They do not express hatred for the people in the government, but they express their hatred for the government’s foolishness and corruption. They do not spew insults to the government officials, they do not call them demeaning names, they did not even do things like burning a papier-mâché mockery of the Head of State in the background.

Now, think of yourself being in the shoes of the apparently corrupt Head of State’s place. You are not corrupt, just unaware that there was something wrong going on in your government. Your security guards tell you of the two protester groups, and you decide to go outside to deal with it. You find out that one of the groups is being violent, complaining about the poverty and injustice that they have experienced for several recent hellish days while throwing insults at you and your fellow government officials and threatening to destroy your property if you don’t let them in and give them what they want. The other group looks at you with some calm, while one of the calm members speak of the mayor of their city who had ignored the masses’ pleas for help. The second group does not throw an insult at you. They express their disappointment towards how you and the government had handled the country, not the fact that you exist. They show and tell that they have lost some trust in you, but they also show and tell that they still have some faith in you and your potential for goodness. They are willing to let you explain your side in the matter.

Now, who do you, the Head of State, want to negotiate with?

If you ask me the above question, I’d like to say that I would only talk with the second group of protesters at that time, considering my personality. They’re respectful, and even though they show disappointment in how I and my government have handled things, they still have enough faith in me to be willing to negotiate with me. They only hate my sins, not the fact that I exist. As for the first group, I’d like to negotiate with them, but with how I am, I would have them be stopped by the guards and the police, because they’re looking down on me, and such a thing is not something that I or any normal person would want to be at the receiving end of. And even though I do not like and would not treat the insulters like how they treat me, since they can do better, and even though I feel like negotiating with both groups is a good idea, negotiating with them is something that is going to be really beyond my limit because their minds are being held by their understandable but still destructive wrath that I would rather stay away from as long as it’s there. It’s great that they showed up to protest and honestly tell me what’s wrong with the government, but such a violent group cannot be interacted with well unless someone with nerves tougher than mine helps me out in calming them down properly. The second group showed me how protesters against stupid governments should really be: non-violent, respectful towards people, and will not stand for any evil that the government does. Hm, I think I should ask the second group to help me deal with the first group…Friendship is freaking important…Friendship for the win…(FRIENDSHIP!)

So, do you understand the importance of style now? Leave a comment if you did, show me what you understand, and if you didn’t understand, leave a comment, still, while showing me what part of my writing made my point hard to understand.

And now, for all those who still don’t understand the importance of style after I tried using the past example (and because I feel like I should make a bigger move in stopping a certain family member’s stupid teaching style), how about something more realistic…I’ll take two recent experiences. One is my mother getting pissed at me because I had spent my time with gadgets a lot during mornings, leading me to neglect doing household chores. She found me using my smartphone, and then in her understandable rage towards my laziness (Seriously, who wouldn’t be pissed at someone being lazy in doing important stuff?), she tells me to get myself off the bed and go do household chores. Along with that, she starts raising her voice at me and repeatedly tells me that I’ve spent too much time with my gadgets, that I won’t be able to live well if I don’t make a habit out of doing household chores, that she and Dad had been working hard for us kids to go to school and stuff…blah blah blah…

Basically, I guess she wanted to tell me that I need to learn doing household chores so that I would be able to live well once I’m not living with my parents anymore, all while telling me that I’ve been doing wrong stuff and that I hadn’t been caring much about how other people feel.

I guess I haven’t been caring much about how other people feel with all my overly frequent gadget usage. Yeah, I’ve been a lazy idiot who had been forgetting to do chores. Doing household chores is definitely important, alright, ’cause if I don’t, I’d be a useless slab of fat, sad, rotten meat on the side of the road,

But why do I feel like Mom’s tone and diction were implying that I was freaking useless and incapable of improvement? Oh wait, I was emotionally messed up (because of several reasons that I wouldn’t bother explaining right now because my attempt to explain would most likely make this piece of writing really boring), and with that, my mind associates shouting even more to abusive people. She had good intentions, and her anger is understandable, but her style sucked while it was used on emotionally messed-up me. Yeah, time to be blunt. My mother’s aggressive teaching style sucks. Hard. Like, black-hole-level hard, especially on depressed people. It probably would have been a hilarious moment on television, a comic book, or a novel, with the socially awkward and lazy idiot son getting what he deserves via his mother’s angry shouting. It’s like that manzai thing, I think, but with a more short-tempered tsukkomi and a less stupid and more emotionally damaged boke. Maybe it would have been funny if you, dear reader, were just watching, and you weren’t the emotionally damaged son getting more damage.

Let’s see how funny you think it is when you’re in my shoes. How funny would it be to you, then?

With that, I’d like to say that I hate emotionally damaging people, even if some of you nuts out there think that there are people who deserve that. Fun fact: NO ONE LIKES BEING EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED. UNLESS YOU’RE A MASOCHIST. BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT THERE’S REALLY A WAY TO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGE MASOCHISTS, SO YEAH…I SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT SOME OTHER TIME…MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE IF I THINK ABOUT IT NOW…

And so, since I hate emotionally damaging people, I guess you’d see that what I hate about my troublesome mother is not her existence, but her stupid style. I wanna be miles away from that thing’s attack range, and then watch it blow up with a nuke of calmness and gentleness. Freaking nuts, that’s going to be awesome.

Ahhh…it’s refreshing to insult stupid styles. WAAAAAYYYYYYY better than insulting people, you know.

I suddenly feel like my tone and diction back there is insulting Mom’s existence, though…Oh well, let’s see her reaction later and see how to point out her faults to her while being respectful towards her existence. And make sure to ask Dad first about her reaction as well, you crazy bear. Or just ask her to send me a written response.

Oh, and speaking of Dad, the second recent experience, which followed that disastrous experience with Mom (that involved my failure in showing her that her tone and diction was insulting, which was followed by more anger from her and me locking myself and crying in the bathroom as I cleaned said hiding spot up), was my talking while walking with Dad. Dad just came home from doing running, a usual hobby of his, and I quickly came down the stairs when I heard his voice, feeling like a wave of relief was washing me. I approached him, quietly asked him to have a talk with just the two of us, and he gave an okay with a relaxed tone and a smile.

Some time later, the two of us were walking down sunlit streets during noontime, and I told Dad about the nightmarish scolding that Mom gave me. His tone did not include shouting. It was pretty relaxed, even if it had a decent amount of seriousness. His diction was pretty okay as well. The message he gave me about household chores and stuff was pretty much the same as what Mom wanted to tell me (Well, Dad did try to explain what Mom was trying to say to me through all her annoying ranting). If I hadn’t talked to Dad back then, this piece of writing would probably be filled to the brim with insults, or perhaps it wouldn’t even exist. And I might be unable to use my computer to write this, because I’d probably start feeling more paranoid towards Mom when I would try to use the computer.

And of course, if I hadn’t talked to Dad back then, I would be unable to learn more and remember more about how to interact properly with people. Freaking nuts, Dad is a freaking awesome role model.

I’ve had enough of being treated like I was crap, and I’ve had enough of treating other people like they were crap. I’ll show you all how to socialize properly, and feel free to give me feedback and help me as well, because I don’t think I can do this well alone. Make sure to not disrespect me, too, alright?

Barely Noticed Heroism

“So, what are you going to do, ‘Hero’? Your precious allies fell by my blade, and you still think that you can defeat me?”


To my surprise, I can hear that conversation between my leader and our force’s enemy.

I thought I died. Wasn’t I supposed to be dead? Maybe I’m just lucky.

I try to stand up. Pain flows through my body. I hear small cracks as I move my limbs. My right arm does not move no matter how much I try. My left leg…limbs don’t bend that way.

Still, I try to stand up. Maybe I shouldn’t, considering that I would probably die again. But for a soldier like me, death isn’t supposed to be a scary thing. Getting close to it is part of the job. If you don’t accept that you can die more easily in the battlefield, then you are not fit to be a soldier. What’s motivating me to stand is a different kind of fear.

It’s the fear of dying while being insignificant.

As I limp towards where the two leaders are having the typical good versus evil dialogue that I’ve read in stories, I notice that they don’t even seem to notice the clinking and clanking of my battered armor. I guess some people would say it’s a good thing, but to me, I don’t think so. It shows how insignificant I am. Sure, my leader shows that he cares for me and my fellow soldiers, but I feel like he cares too much. He shoulders the burden so much that we fail to grow stronger. His past actions–such as keeping us relatively normal soldiers out of the battlefield and in whatever dream that doesn’t involve the battlefield–shows how stupid he is. He treats us like how those old heroes treated women. I’m sure glad that one of us is quite an assertive swordswoman. Too bad she died, though. She was someone I wanted to ask out on a date.

“Try and catch me, ‘Hero’!”

“Get back here!”

Looks like they’ve started fighting. From the flapping of wings and the figure zipping around in the air, the boss villain’s winged, huh? If only my leader here had at least one archer or a javelin thrower well-trained and alive…we probably would have been able to shoot that guy down. Our archers got turned into dust by the villain’s flames right before we entered the castle. As for our lancers and mages, they were blasted along with me and the remaining troops here in the throne room when we tried to be reinforcements for our leader.

And here I am, some soldier who our leader most likely sees as weak, crawling up the wide and long flight of stairs, trying to be of use.

I was forced to stay out of the war by my leader, who asked me to find what I wanted to do in life. I said that I wanted to protect people as a soldier, but he told me that such a task is for the chosen one and no one else.

Because of that stupid mindset of his, the forces that were supposed to help him tried to protect him from the shadows. In war, we had no time and place for the dreams that did not involve the battlefield. Our dream was to restore peace, and in our lives, we have learned through victories and defeats that fighting alone is foolish.

Our leader does not understand the importance of allies.

“Have you forgotten that I’m half-god?”

“You overestimate yourself, ‘Hero’!”

Our leader may be a demigod, but he is still human, imperfect. I agree with the villain. The “Hero” is overestimating himself.


“Now, see your foolishness and die!”

Huh, the “Hero” is going to get killed, and I’ve already finished climbing up the stairs. The “Hero” is right in front of me, and his back is facing towards me. The villain is up above, about to fire a burst of black flame out of his hand.

Time to use my remaining strength for the betterment of the “Hero,” then.

I take my left arm from my right arm and use it to grab and pull the “Hero.”

I whisper the following words into his ear as I try to throw him down the stairs:

“Don’t forget me, your allies, and your weaknesses, you idiot. Now, retreat.”

And I manage to get him to crash down the flight of stairs. He has his helm, so I believe that his head is well-protected.

Meanwhile, I got blasted by black flame.

I’m flying away.

I want to scream, but my burnt throat can’t.

The stinging is unbearable.

I hear the muffled sound of crashing armor. That was probably me.

I hear flapping of wings, and I hear metal clinking and clanking away from me.

I see the blurred form of the villain just standing in front of me.

As my senses stop functioning, I feel like smiling.

So, I smiled.

“How brave of you. Perhaps you and your fallen comrades should be considered the real heroes, soldier.”

I wanted to thank the villain and laugh in amusement and pride at that, and even tell him my name, but…a silent thanks in my mind is all I could give in return.

Tobby tried to sing Yobanashi Deceive

I feel like Shuuya Kano right now. I feel like I should stop hiding my problems and true feelings, but I’m also having a hard time trying to express them. And I shouldn’t forget that Kano and I have people who care for us really well, too. Haha, I feel like Shuuya Kano right now, alright… ^_^

Here’s a link to the mp3 of this cover, if you wanna download a copy of it.