Here I Am, In The Internet

I’m introverted and socially awkward. When I’m outside, trying to interact with people, I’m usually a stuttering, pausing mess who spends most of his response construction time thinking that my listener is looking down on me. It’s hard to find trustworthy people outside.

So here I am, in the Internet. People reveal sides they don’t usually show to others in the outside world. Even though people can easily hide themselves in this electronic blue sea, people can also easily reveal themselves and easily find other people here. Combined with faster processing speeds, finding someone to form a friendship with became something that I really liked.

Yeah, I guess I really like forming friendships without having to go out of my room, without going out of the comfort zone. But I already know that that’s stupid. I’ll need to go out sometime. I’ll need to face conflict.

But when I try to train myself in the outside world, in school, I easily find myself in difficulty. When I end up having an awkward conversation, or a conversation that didn’t go as long as I wanted to, or when I fail to do something like homework right, I start feeling like I shouldn’t show myself to my classmates and teachers. When I think about it now, it’s like when I try to exercise. I try to do it because I know that it’s important, but when I try to make a habit out of it and I encounter difficulty, I easily give in to weakness and I start sinking into a pit of freaking misery, butt-biters, and paranoia.

The number of people who seem trustworthy to me in the outside world feels like zero, so here I am, in the Internet. I had met and made a close friend here, and even if we’ve had some conflict, we’re going along well. And I’ve found more people who I can talk with about stuff that many people in my home, school, and local community wouldn’t care much about. I feel like my social skills are getting better there.

Still, I have this paranoia, the feeling that my listener is looking down on me, that comes up a lot whenever I talk to a person in a face-to-face conversation. And I need to have decent oral communication skills, and I think I can improve, but I feel like I can’t.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to find a way to improve myself and my social skills.

And then there’s this bad habit of me procrastinating on many things, including sleep. I try to ask my parents and friends for help, but my friends aren’t there for me all the time, and when my parents try to remind me, I glare at them and grumble and ask for more time with my gadgets, especially when I’m in the middle of something fun in my electronic blue sea swimming time.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to ask for help.

My condition in school hasn’t been going really well lately, considering that I’ve been procrastinating a lot and that my social awkwardness is giving me a hard time in social interaction and group works. I’ve gone absent from classes for more than a week now, and I feel like transferring to a distance education program.

And here I am, in the Internet, wanting to be a hero.

But I’ll need to go out of my room, out of my house, and go meet people face-to-face. I’ll need to stay away from my Internet connection, lessen time with my computer and smartphone, cut off my only way to effectively interact with other people.

But I don’t think I can handle being in the outside world, so here I am, in the Internet.

I want to improve my social skills. I need to interact well outside the electronic blue sea. I need to go out to get what I want. I want to be a hero, to be happy, to make others happy.

So I need to take some time away from the Internet. I won’t stop connecting to it permanently, but I’ll be out for a while.

So here I am, in the Internet, writing a goodbye to the electronic blue sea as I go get my broken self repaired.

I’ll be back, Internet. Maybe once or twice a week, I don’t know…It depends on what my parents and I will agree on…

And I’ll make sure not to drown in you next time, Internet.

Meanwhile, I should spend some exercise time on swimming in actual water…

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2 thoughts on “Here I Am, In The Internet

  1. Eno says:

    I probably don’t have much right saying so, but it’s nice to see you mature through your posts here and take time away from what you enjoy doing towards putting time on what you feel you should be doing. By the looks of it, you’re rather nervous to be doing this but you’re taking the first step to conquer that fear, and have no worries! The friends you’ve made in this electronic sea and always there to help support you and pick you back up when you begin to fall back into that comfort zone. We don’t talk much since I rarely see your posts on Tumblr (where I first met you) buried underneath the myriad of punny text posts and pictures, but I’m among those ready to help you if you need it. Good luck! .A./

  2. Take your time Tobby. The Internet will wait for you. If I could give you an advice it would be to do some soul searching on your own. Only when you know, understand and accept yourself, you’ll have more self-confidence and less awkwardness in company of other people. Find out who you really are and love yourself for it! Even if it means being different… Take care, friend.

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