Heartbroken Loner

Heartbreak. That’s a word I usually hear when someone gets rejected by someone who is desired to be a romantic partner.

When I see that word–heartbreak–used that way, though…it is annoying and maddening. That thing most people today call “heartbreak” when one gets rejected in being a part of a romantic couple by a crush, when a crush prefers to stay friends with you temporarily or maybe even for the rest of your lives…I think that’s simply uncontrolled hormones messing people’s brains up, unfulfilled lust poisoning minds of those who don’t quite know the difference between love and infatuation. What most people these days call “heartbreak,” I think it’s bad to have that, but what I consider heartbreak feels worse than that.

It’s when people shun me, put me down, believe that I am a pointless and unimprovable existence, and/or keep a knife pointed at my neck and a gun pointed at my head (literally and/or figuratively) that is truly heartbreaking.

I don’t really mind (though my lust would probably mind, and lust trying to mess up my brain is a freaking annoying thing, so feel free to do something to kill it, nutshellcrackers) if I don’t get a girlfriend quickly. In fact, I think having a lover, getting married, and having a great romantic relationship are things that are built on friendship. If there’s no friendship, no respect between the two, then don’t even expect a romantic relationship between them to ever go well. It’s going to be like a car with no brakes on, while lust fuels the engine and leads the car to doom. I’ll have to have lots of patience before I get to something like finding the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and is willing to spend the rest of her life with me.

So yeah, no friendship, no romantic relationship. No friendship, no happy life as well. One can’t live life happily without friendship. Humans weren’t built to live their lives independently and isolated from each other, you know.

That’s why it hurts when I don’t have friends, and with that, it hurts even more when it feels like someone does not find me worthy of being a friend, when someone I want to be friends with shuns me and my existence, when someone I want to be friends with treats me like I’m a faceless and useless being or a machine that is only meant to be used for stupid goals. I won’t force people to be friends with me, because no one ever gets friends that way. But still, it hurts to be at the receiving end of hatred.

That’s why I hate putting people down. That’s why I hate living like a ninja or an assassin. That’s why I hate working for that trashy system of corporate machines and mainstream media studios these days.

Hate my sins. That’s alright, and I’ll encourage that. But don’t ever hate my existence or anyone else’s existence. Even if you do hate my existence, though, I’ll never hate yours (and I’ll always hate hating people’s existences), for your existence and everyone else’s existences do not deserve hatred. If you’re wondering why I don’t think human existences don’t deserve hatred, then I’d like to say that we all have potential for awesomeness. Seeing people do good things like giving moral support to other people is enough reason for me to have faith in humanity, and even if so many horrible acts are being done by humans these days, I won’t ever let my faith in humanity die.

Still, it doesn’t quite take away the pain I feel when I’m shunned, rejected, and dehumanized.

Sure, I can make friends (like everyone else) and I may seem like I have a lot of opportunities to form friendships, but I’m not perfect. I have my limits, just like everyone else. In this current age and with all its many stupid trends and cultures, I find it hard to stick close to people and put my trust in them. I do believe that they can be better, but hazes of lies are making my search for great friendships tough. Self-reminder: Lying is freaking bad.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to face the pain, but not without doing anything to fight it and the scourge causing it. I should only do my best, though, not force myself into a sad death. I gotta find someone kind, someone who would stick with me and really knows how to be a good person, so that I keep on surviving happily. I wish I could I find one soon, though…I guess that’s why I’m here in the Internet: because I don’t think I’ll be able to survive in trying to make friends outside of the Internet before I lose my grip on my sanity and then wreck society even further.

I’m introverted, yes, but I’m mostly introverted, to be exact. And I hate being a heartbroken loner. And it hurts, having not much friends near me, talking with me, listening to me, helping me out right now. I know that they have limits as well, but feeling alone still hurts, and I think I may be reaching my limits already…

I guess that’s a reason behind me liking that song, Marry no Kakuu Sekai, so much.

sleeping marry kozakuraNext Part: Trying to Understand the Heartbroken Around Me


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