I feel like I’ve been doing something I really hate lately. Seems like I was in denial about it for a long while now, too. But I looked at myself and what I’ve been doing lately, and I was reminded of the Kagerou Project’s Shuuya Kano and certain habits of his:
Lying. Hiding emotions that should be let out. Following orders even if they hurt me so that I’d still be cared for by the ones giving the orders. Trying to act all cool and calm and funny and energetic, all while actually feeling hurt on the inside.
My parents once told me that people won’t approach me if I don’t smile. I guess they have a point, but it’s not like a person can smile all the time. And even if a person would be not smiling, there’s still a chance of someone approaching them for stuff like forming friendships. But still, I’ve been trying to follow their advice, because I felt like they have a point when I remembered why I like certain fictional characters, but my humanity reminds me that I can’t smile all the time. Yet I try to resist it, because a lot of people, probably including my parents, hate seeing people being imperfect.
If you’re going to force me to smile when I feel like not smiling, you really won’t be getting a genuine smile from me. You’ll just be getting an imitation of Shuuya Kano with Deceiving Eyes on, and you’ll see what I’m really feeling when I feel enough pain. I guess Jin-sensei understands how a liar usually spills out the truth, huh?
I wish I had someone like Kousuke Seto as a friend or even a brother. He’s a dork, but he’s a freaking kind guy. He’s not the sort who would force his help to other people (if he were that sort of person, he’d be more likely to use his eye power, Stealing Eyes, on people), and he probably won’t hesitate to talk with me and give a hug if I were to ask him to talk with me and give me a hug.
But right now, there’s no one physically near me who would act like Kousuke Seto. This paranoia within me that seems like social anxiety (I hope I can go to the doctor sooner, ’cause it hurts so much) isn’t helping as well in my search for such a person. Oh well, at least the people who are physically near me lately seem to be pretty honest about themselves. Helps me decide where to look for shoulders to cry on. That’s why I’m spending more of my time here. That’s why I’m sneakily posting my thoughts here, even if I don’t have enough sleep, because I want someone to listen to me and be patient with me and treat me like how I like to treat people. I want to be interacted with with optimism, with the belief that I can be better despite being imperfect, that I am not someone who should immediately be left behind when I make a mistake. That’s why I feel sad when I’m unable to help a sad person. You think I shouldn’t care about sad people? Well, let me try to ask you: Are you trying to ask me to kill myself? Because not having friends (and by friends, I don’t mean the two-faced, ass-kissing sort–those aren’t genuine friends) kills people slowly and painfully. It hurts me as much as it hurts them.
And I still try to imitate Shuuya Kano, because we humans are so stupid that we think that we shouldn’t be approaching people who aren’t smiling, that we should be avoiding them like they were the plague.
Oh well, I look forward to the pain that will make me spill tears in front of my family and friends. I think a facefart is currently long overdue for me again already.
So, who’s willing to accept the ugly truth behind the mask of this Shuuya Kano imitation, let me cry on their shoulder, give me a hug, understand how I think, and help me become a better person? I’m sure that there’s at least one person like that out there, and I’ll probably be wearing this stupid mask until I find that person.
And I’m sure glad that my mask is cracked. I really hate lying, you know.
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