I can be awesome. Yes, I know that.
But the fact that humans will make a mistake and experience failure at least once in life should be remembered. That fact must be remembered.
Why am I talking about that, anyway? Well, it’s because I really feel like some of my family members have been expecting too much from weakened and mentally messed-up me lately. Trying to make friends in school would be a good idea if I didn’t feel like so many people would send me to Hell if I made one little mistake in front of them. Trying to keep on going to school would be a good idea if I had someone interested and available to talk about my lessons with outside of classes. Trying to take care of my youngest brother would be a good idea if I had enough patience and if I could understand more than half of what he’s saying and doing. Trying to go to sleep at night would be a good idea if I have at least one friend that I can talk with a lot while being in the same time zone as me. Trying for more than one week for an appointment with a psychologist, all while I try to go to school and do schoolwork during the wait, would be a good idea if I didn’t need to go to the psychologist.
If my family were reading this, I feel like I’ll be considered the black sheep of the family, a black sheep that’s blacker than my two brothers. The blackest sheep in the family. The one they couldn’t understand. The one that couldn’t follow their expectations to the letter. The one that should be like Shuuya Kano–following orders, thinking that I’ll be getting love from family members if I do everything they say, even if some of the things that I must follow will tear my sanity to pieces. The one that will be thrown away and cut off from family support because I did not want to follow some of their orders. The one that will be left to rot in the shadows of the world because I couldn’t live up to their expectations.
Honestly, I feel like my family is expecting too much from me right now. What a disappointment, huh? I wonder what they’re gonna do about it? If they do kick me out of the house, I’ll need to scream for help in the Internet. If they don’t yet still expect too much from me, I’ll still need to scream for help in the Internet. Seeing me like this will definitely hurt them. I don’t want to be like this, but I’m not perfect. No mortal is perfect. I can be awesome, but humans will make a mistake and experience failure at least once in life.
If my family feels like they can’t help me, well, I won’t force them to help me. I’ll try to find a way to get out of this pit, because despair is one of my archenemies, and I like being optimistic. And it’s not like I’m not really likely to cry if they’re unable to help me. It’s sad, knowing that someone who’s supposed to be taking care of me well is unable to help me. I believe that they can do better, but forcing them into becoming better is freaking stupid. If they think that my pleas for help are not worth listening to, well, I’ll try to convince that they are worth listening to, but forcing them (example: threatening them with physical violence) won’t ever truly convince them.
*sigh* I wish that my family would listen to me right now.
Anyway, it’s probably going to give them a lot of hurt, but I’ll need to tell my family, especially my parents, about my troubles and weaknesses as soon as possible, before things go even worse because of neglect. Knowing their weaknesses is probably going to get me feeling hurt as well, but I gotta know. Knowing the problems, knowing the difficulties, knowing the weaknesses…they’re important in improving ourselves. I don’t think I would’ve reached the level of friendship that I have with one of my close friends right now if I didn’t bother to understand her weaknesses and problems.
And now, I’ll try to say what I need to say here:
I don’t feel motivated enough to go to school right now. Combined with a lack of the physical presences of friends nearby, going to school and trying to do schoolwork are really really hard to manage. I don’t feel confident enough in my own parents and my siblings and even my relatives nearby. I believe that they can help me, but there’s this nagging feeling inside me that tells me that they’ll always come up short. A lot of my trust is put on my friends who I interact with a lot on the Internet (because they live physically far away from me), and when I get the chance to have a nice conversation with them, I’m really clingy to interacting with them to the point that I’d spend more hours awake at night, and since I’ve been getting genuine support from them, I feel even more annoyed when any viable means of interacting with them are being taken away from me. Doing stuff like schoolwork feels pointless to me right now, because I feel like doing schoolwork is so pointless when I have no friends and family who are able, interested, and available to listen to the stuff I learn and to understand the stuff that I need to do at school. I’m really really nervous as the school days are coming again, and I feel like I’m being sent to a deeper pit of despair. It also sucks to have no family and friends nearby who are really interested in the stuff that I like to do, such as watching Let’s Plays of my favorite Let’s Players or listening to the music of my favorite artists. I can do chores, but being left behind to take care of my youngest brother feels like putting me in torture. I can find friends at school, yeah, and I can find friends in lots of places, but I feel so anxious right now that trying to find friends at school sounds really stupid.
And right now, the song that seems to match my mood is Giga-san and Suzumu-sensei’s “Undead Enemy.”
Maybe I should just leave this message to my parents only, but to be honest, my faith in them is disturbingly low right now. I’ll leave this piece of writing in here, in case my parents find themselves unable to help me during this time of trouble that I’m in.
Previous Part: Shuuya Kano Imitations
Next Part: Sniper-Style Self-Help