Assurance Balance

“You are not a kid anymore!!!”

“You are an adult!”

“The assurance will come within you!”

“Not [from] us…we will just support you! We will handle you appropriately!”

Those were pretty much my dad’s text message replies to when I whined to him about me needing lots of assurance from other people. I thought that they were some stupid replies at first, but I remembered what two friends told me yesterday, especially that one stinging but reinforcing scolding that I won’t bother quoting here, ’cause I think that the details of that conversation should just remain between to of us. Anyway, with those and me staying and reflecting alone in my rented bedspace in my university, I realized that the assurance from myself and the assurance from others should be balanced. And I think I’m feeling a feeling similar to what I felt when that one doctor told me that I have control over myself, and said feeling is the feeling which is like some kid knowing that “Freaking nuts, I have superpowers!”

Perhaps I’ve been blaming others, especially my parents, too much. In my country, I’m already of legal age, and Mom and Dad know that they’ll have to let me go someday. And I should know that I’ll have to let go of my parents someday as well. I guess all those orders that they want me to follow are made by them worrying too much, though. And me getting pissed off so much at their orders, perhaps that happened because of me having a conflict between following all of my parents’ orders to the letter and following more of my own thoughts. Seriously, they’re not even as abusive as I think they are! If they were, I probably would have reluctantly taken some mostly boring course that my parents want me to take!

I guess my parents are just worrying. Maybe a little too much. I think it’s understandable. If I had a kid of my own, and they look like they’re going down a dangerous path, I’d worry as well. But hey, when a kid’s already going to reach the age of adulthood, the parents gotta get ready to let them go…unless the kid’s somebody like my youngest brother. He’s still in special education, and we, his fellow family members, hope that he’ll be mentally and socially capable enough when he reaches the age of adulthood. Otherwise…more special education ’til he’s capable enough.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve been underestimating myself and attaching to others too much lately. Sure, I’m failing school, and I’ll probably have to drop a bunch of subjects until there’s one subject left (which is duckpin bowling class–freaking nuts, that’s my favorite class this semester, hahaha!) before next Monday, and maybe I’ll end up getting fives in certain subjects that I don’t properly drop on time, but hey now, Tobby. You won’t reach a hellish end if you don’t do something to get yourself back up when you stumble and fall. Sure, I may lose that scholarship, my parents would be having a harder time financially, but what can we do? Why not look for what we can do? You fail stuff, Mom and Dad will have to deal with it, and you’ll have to deal with it. They will probably scream and rant (especially Mom–you know how she usually works), but we can’t change the past. We can only learn from it. And we can drown in despair with it, but we hate despair, so yeah, that choice will definitely be kicked out of our backup plan list. When there’s a will, there’s way, brickstick. And you gotta remember that other people have limits as well.

And you gotta remember, you’re already at the hangar of your life, doing flight simulations or something or just flying short distances with those little armwings and backwings of yours. Crashing’s gonna be normal, have optimism, have a support crew (although there may be times you’ll have to fly alone, but hey, you won’t have to fly alone all the time), learn from the crashes you experience, and you know, things will have a higher chance of going well. Like one friend of yours said: “You will be good, my chicken” or something. Your support crew can and will move, so get moving as well, you crazy chicken-duck-bear-whatever-thing-you-pretend-to-be-when-you’re-actually-human.

So, I guess Heartbroken Loner Tobby ends here. Maybe for now. Life’s gonna be a rocky road, and maybe I’ll be filling this series up again some other time.

And as for you, dear reader. Learn from this idiot. If you think I’m so great that I can qualify as a god or some divine entity, forget doing that. I’m just a human being. Being God is way too much for my brain. It’s only God who can be God, and I’m still looking forward to meeting Him in person, but now’s not the time for me to meet Him, and I haven’t fulfilled so many requirements for me to meet Him. I’ve got things I need to do, and I can’t do them alone. So, dear imperfect reader, learn from this imperfect dude. Don’t just learn from my good experiences. Learn from the bad experiences as well, and learn what to do and what not to do from both sorts of experiences. If I ever become great, become famous, and die famous and happily, I’d like my faults to be remembered as well, and not just my achievements. Remember both my achievements and failures. I’d like to be remembered as a human, so that any other human who thinks that they can’t be great (I think that painting celebrities as unreachable or all-powerful beings are one of the diseases that has been lowering many people’s self-esteem) will be inspired into overcoming the challenges of life and improving themselves into greater people.

Welp, gotta deal with a bunch of mistakes and failures soon. See you again in the den, nutshellcrackers! ^_^


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