“Are you insane, Tobby?”
I dreamt of hearing the above sentence from other people, but the first time I heard that wasn’t how I dreamed it to be. Really, I think that the first one who called me that, straight to my face, was my own self. Or maybe someone else, and I was just too stupid to admit it, let alone know it, at the time.
Anyway, the point is that I’m in a battle with my own self, and the battling sides are throwing that “Are you insane?” statement at each other. They all think that they’re totally right, and they won’t consider other ways. It’s a field of traditional politics, and God’s a freaking genius who manages to bring actual peace to the chaotic political arena within me. Yeah, believe it or not, God is Perfection with a capital P, and we, who also consider Him Pain with a capital P, are not as great as Him. It’s both surprising and unsurprising, really. It depends on your mindset.
Now, back to talking about some probably crazy stuff that’s going on in my self. During most of these past few days, I’ve been out in Tarlac, my birth province, with my family. One day was also spent on a religious fellowship with other families in a group that my family’s a part of. We went to a monastery that held a relic of the Cross of Jesus Christ. Before that was lunch at the house of one of the other members. As for the rest of the time spent there, a significant part was spent in my maternal grandparents’ house. Also, there was Sunday Mass, there was my fiery mother having me do more domestic work, there was me playing video games again in my computer, there was me feeling lacking ’cause of lack of Internet, there was the visit to the Aquino Center, and there was listening to some religious talks. All of that had me meeting a bunch of my weaknesses again, like discomfort in large crowds, crazy dependence on the Internet, lack of social and domestic skills, lack of historical knowledge, prominence of self-centeredness, pile-ups of messed-up priorities, boredom and sadness in living my life, and so much more.
Still, God is an amazing genius. All those past times when I prayed for my improvement were certainly being answered by Him, with a lot–or maybe all of them–not being in the ways I expected them to come. Some photo and quote of Pope Francis, one that talked about bored and/or sad Christians not being proper Christians, showed up while I was going to a Mass at the monastery shrine on a Saturday–oh, and that Mass was not an Anticipated Mass too–and I ended up having some worthwhile reflection time. As for the Mass on the following day, I also had some worthwhile reflection time. It’s disappointing to know that my memories of the stuff that I heard on those days are now blurry, but still, I’m pretty sure that I had refreshing times there. Some romance-related stuff in my head got sorted out better, and some stupid social interaction ideas that were dominating in my mind got whacked and whapped, and all that continued even outside them religious buildings, such as when my mother had us kids listen to some freaking worthwhile religious talks while on the way back to the province where we live. I feel better about doing my best now, despite the existence of some annoying part of me. God is a genius, see.
As for domestic stuff, Fireball Mom’s been upping the teaching level for us kids in terms of domestic work. I think I answered a lot of her calls with grumbles and whines, but I still tried to do what she asked, and as I worked while she taught, the benefits of learning such things dawned on me, especially when I thought about what I wanted to do with my life. I saw how disappointing I was again, but knowing that I know what I want to reach lead me towards more motivation instead of further discouragement. To be more specific, I want a freaking awesome family of my own someday, and I’m currently an annoying man-child who is making progress, needs to make more progress, and CAN make more progress. Again, God is a genius, and I wouldn’t be here without Him.
Now, as for political stuff, my visit, with my mom, to the Aquino Museum was a freaking worthwhile one. You can call me a Ninoy and Cory Aquino fan, yo. Clueless Filipinos these days, which, sadly, are probably a majority in our country, would probably call me an idiot for supporting the parents of an outgoing President from the Liberal Party and their so-called “Daang Matuwid,” but I highly appreciate knowing Ninoy and Cory Aquino’s roles in the history of the Philippines. Those two aren’t perfect, but still, God bless those two, for without them, we Filipinos wouldn’t be learning (again) about us Filipinos and the Philippines being more precious than we actually think. I’d like to go to other countries, yeah, but I’m feeling this growing desire to live and die as a proper Filipino, one who would spend most of his life in his native country. I have a long way to go, and listening to my parents talk about the horror that was Ferdinand Marcos’s Martial Law and millennial Filipinos’ lack of knowledge of it is a painful reminder, but God is a genius, and I know that I can do better with His help.
And then there’s the lack of Internet. I don’t think that I’d be making this post without that lack of Internet. It’s a time that shook me very hard, and, at the same time, made me think deeper. Like, I noticed how hard it has become for me to sleep on time, and I noticed that I can have more productive times too.
Oh, and speaking of the Internet, I want to talk about my future plans as an artist here too. The past few days feel like decisive blows to the fortress of selfishness within me, blows that became possible thanks to so many more strikes that were dealt to me in the past, and, of course, the power of God Almighty. I am planning on changing some routines, and although I feel like few people would worry about this, I still want to talk about this, especially to those who care about me a lot. The past few days have urged me to change habits for the sake of fulfilling my dreams, and these changes that I am planning to go through will certainly be tough paths. I plan on reducing my frequency of making song covers, and in exchange, I would go on trying to make songs of my own, songs that will not only help me, but also others as well. I plan on dedicating more focus on morning exercises and chores for the sake of my physical fitness, my social skills, and my domestic skills, but I would be unable to do morning chats with certain online friends who live in different time zones. I plan on putting more focus on working on my stories and developing my drawing skills and such, but I would most likely be more out of the loop when it comes to happenings online. I plan on writing stories in my native language more, and I would probably lose attention from a number of foreign followers because of a language that they don’t understand. I plan on being more serious with my works, but I would most likely get into more chaos as I actually try to be appropriately serious with my works.
The above enumerated changes are not the entirety of the list, but the point is that I’ll have to make sacrifices for the sake of true happiness. I hate pain, but I have to go through that on the road to true happiness. We all have to go through pain on the road to true happiness. My trust is in God and in His awesomeness, and I shall keep on learning and doing my best. And believe it or not, He is in all of you too. Even though it can seem unbelievable to me as well, He is working in all of you.
Believe it or not, God is a genius.
So yeah, see you again in the den. Honest constructive feedback is still highly encouraged and will still be highly appreciated. 🙂