Author’s Note: This story was written in response to the following prompt in the WritingPrompts subreddit:
You discover your neighbor is a vampire. You go to confront him with weapons in hand when [he] says with a sigh, “You don’t want to kill me. I am the only thing in this town that is keeping the werewolves at bay.”
This story was first posted on Reddit. I had decided to have my recent reblog here be my only blog post for today, but I went to r/WritingPrompts and got inspired again. Also, the response idea I had at first was something that blatantly made fun of those sexualized movies that have the “vampires versus werewolves” thing in them, but hey, I feel like this product’s good too. Still, I’d like to know your honest thoughts on this. And of course, honest constructive feedback is highly encouraged and will be highly appreciated!
Now, on to the story!
“I’ll give you a ten-second headstart before I throw these garlic cloves into your face,” I told him. Really, why didn’t this idiot tell us about him sooner? Oh wait, the usual underestimation. I guess I can understand that, but it’s still damn irritating.
“What!? But I told you that I’m the only thing in this damned town that can keep the werewolves away!”
Real damn irritating, alright.
“One,” I answered, playing with some cloves of garlic in one hand. “Oh, and have you heard of the word ‘socializing’? Or does being a vampire mean that your brain’s dead too? Oh, and five. Six. Seven…”
“Are you serious?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re just–OH GOD OW WHY DID I SAY THAT TOO OW OW OW OW OW!!!”
“Told ya,” I said, smirking down at him. “You don’t give humans enough credit, you know.”
“YOU ARE LITERALLY THROWING YOUR TOWN TO THE WOLVES, YOU STUPID WOMAN!”
Bang. Bang. Rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat. I heard them all, and judging from his surprised look, he knew about it too.
Really, it’s fun to watch an idiot like this while I wore my house clothes, especially when it included an apron.
“I may be a housewife with four kids,” I said, taking some more cloves of garlic and playing with them with one hand, “But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be awesome. Now, will you help us deal with the werewolf problem that you haven’t been telling us about? You seem pretty confident in your skills, you know.”
Unfortunately, Mr. Vampire Neighbor had swallowed the garlic cloves that I threw at him some moments ago, and they burned his throat. He simply gave me a rude one-fingered gesture in response to my request for his help.
“Sorry, but you’re not my type,” I answered, grinning. “And even if you were as humble as my husband, you’d still be far far away from actually being my dear husband. Again, sorry.”
But there was no response from Mr. Vampire Neighbor.
Oh well, it’s not like the town can’t handle the werewolf problem without him.
Ah, and I gotta call my dear husband…
“Hey, Thene! How’s it going there? You got the neighbor’s help?”
“Not really. I…accidentally killed him.”
“Did you go rage mode on him or something? I mean, your short temper has its benefits, but you really need to keep it in check, you know.”
“Sorry…but I guess we can still handle this problem, right, Matt? It’s just gonna take a little longer.”
“Yeah, it’s just gonna take a little longer. Oh, and uh…also…Mimi got bitten by one of the werewolves. She’s crying really hard right now.”
“Well, get her wound treated, and after those werewolves are down, our family will be discussing about the potential badassery of being a werewolf.”
“Uh, yeah, about that…she’s more concerned about how boys won’t like her anymore.”
“That can be properly dealt with, you idiot. And shouldn’t you be the one going all peaceful and optimistic about things like that?”
“Hm, good point…Sorry. Ah, I gotta go back to hunting werewolves–bad werewolves–again. See you later, then?”
“Yeah, see you later, honey. Love you. Oh, and don’t forget to keep the kids safe!”
“Got it, honey! And I love you too!”
Ah yes, I really love my husband very much…
And now, it’s time to hunt some bad werewolves…
“Heheheh…the silver spoons are gonna find better use today!”