Hours ago, I went to Mass with my family. It was a Christmas Eve Mass, and yet again, I felt more at peace at the church. On one hand, it was a strange feeling, as I was born and am living in imperfection. On the other hand, it was a welcome feeling, as a lot of stuff had gotten me believing in God more lately.
And hey, perhaps it’s weird to be a believer in God these days. Why believe in some being that a bunch of people fantasize about, right? Well, speaking of fantasizing, I’ve been thinking about that recently. I’ve been thinking about what makes true faith in God different from blind belief, and now, I think that the difference between the two is that the former focuses on balance, while the latter focuses on extremes.
See, I’ve been observing others and myself when it comes to spreading what we believe in. I see a lot of zeal, something that’s encouraged a lot these days when it comes to living life, I think. Zeal’s good, yes, though sometimes, we go overboard with it, and going out of control isn’t a good thing. And hey, in today’s society, where pluralism and postmodernism are prevalent, zeal is very high on all sides, and people’s hearts blaze for their respective beliefs. I like living zealously, too, and I don’t want to live lazily. Still, I found it strange that the zeal I wanted to have led to unnecessary conflict, and with that, I ended up thinking that living lazily feels much better, though I tended to think of it as something along the lines of “toning it down” most of the time.
I guess I can say that I need to learn a lot more about self-control. I’ve seen my overzealous self and my lazy self in a bunch of people, and in being like those people, I found myself out of my depth. My confidence would crash, and when it goes up, it tends to come with me thinking that self-deprecation is something that can grant me true happiness. My self-deprecation mixes with my overzealousness, and then what follows is a crazier spiral of chaos within me, who’s teetering back and forth, very much unbalanced.
Really, I think I’ve been living my life with the thought that extremes held the key to true happiness. I wanted the true ultimate happiness quickly, and in my rushing, I failed to notice the things I should be watching out for. Then, with that same overzealousness, failure hit me very hard, and then I attempted chilling out to the extreme, leading me towards more stupidity. A cycle of abuse happens again and again, and I fall into further sin the more I hold on to that rushing.
Even now, I wish that this struggle which I found myself stuck in would end quickly. Still, I’ve been realizing that extremes would do me no good. I need to keep myself balanced, looking at things critically and from different perspectives. I need to push down the desire to rush and kick out the desire to laze, because they’ve been hurting me more than I thought. I need other people, but I don’t need to force them, nor do I need to just let them be selfish. My senses aren’t as great as the senses of God, who helped me so many times in my life, and I can’t say that I know everything, nor can I say that I know nothing.
I’m an imperfect human, yes, but I can learn, and I am learning. Fantasizing, which I now consider wishing for extremes, isn’t as impressive as it used to be to me, and now, I want to live in reality, trying to find true happiness within it.
And today, I think I’m really having a merry Christmas. As usual, this world still has conflict, yes, and my future will come with a rocky road, but still, I can see the light…the light of God.
So yeah…Happy Birthday, Jesus. I pray that you continue to show me where the right path is.
And hey, Merry Christmas and more strength to you all as well, dear readers. 🙂