To begin this piece, yes, up there is a title which is a Rap Monster line I find memorable in “BTS Cypher Part 3: Killer.” It’s something which came to mind as inspiration was sparked within me during a recent Sunday Mass I went to, one which had a blunt yet guiding priest as its presider.
Though to be honest, I consider stuff like the BTS Cyphers as some of my guilty pleasures. Their sound hits hard, something which I’ve been getting into a lot lately, but their words have been becoming too sharp for my softening heart, particularly when I think of myself as the receiver of those words.
Furthermore, although I consider myself an ARMY with a significantly grown interest in the Bulletproof Boy Scouts, I’m pretty sure that there’s a being whose awesomeness surpasses even those seven boys.
And yes, this piece isn’t gonna have the Bangtan Boys as my main topic.
So yeah, about the stuff which got me referencing said BTS Cypher line, I think it’s time for me to do some more gentle and reflective honesty than blunt and haughty honesty, which I’ve been considering doing as I was working on this part of this reflection. I think I need more of the former sort of honesty, along with some more humble determination upon receiving a “Back yourself and look at the mirror” shot.
And really, properly taking such shots is something I find difficult. To present how difficult it has been for me, well, there’s when my parents – particularly my mother – ask me to look at the mirror when they find me having an unruly appearance and/or bad fashion sense.
Like, really, I find myself wondering why they find my appearance bad a lot during those times. Why is my t-shirt with a funny print not practical and stylish enough? What do you mean my messy and spiky bedhead doesn’t look cool? I don’t feel anything, so what do you mean there’s dirt on my face? And why do I even need to go along with your fashion requirements?
Still, I don’t think I’d be able to develop my own fashion and hygienic sense, let alone a good one, without my parents’ help. Even though I can have something more appealing than their senses when I grow older, I can’t deny that in the beginning, they know a lot more than the younger me.
And then there’s when my parents tell me to watch my facial expressions and my speech tone. Such times become more irritating when they do so during moments of heightened emotions, especially with me having more rigidity than most people. They ask me to pipe down when I suddenly talk loud and noisy with other people, and they also ask me to stop frowning when the time comes for social interaction.
Like, come on, I’m doing some nice social interaction when I talk with such energy! There’s also me feeling like I need to be honest with my feelings! Other people should get what I’m specifically feeling and thinking by simply looking at the standoffish expression on my face! Otherwise they’re just dumb!
In summary, my foolish self wonders: Why do I need to check how I look?
The answers? Well, I begin to understand those when I cut the resistance down and start doing what my parents asked me to do there.
And when I look at myself in the mirror that way, I begin to feel as if I’m looking from another person’s shoes. My loneliness and my ignorance, which have been bugging me along with my parents’ insistence, ends up in clear view, and I realize how much I hate having to look at my own weaknesses. My parents – especially my mother – can go too much with pointing out my weaknesses, but my weaknesses that should be pointed out would still be there if I don’t do something that would properly put them down.
Sure, my parents should also back themselves and look at the mirror, but even I need to back myself and look at the mirror. That, and have an honest and constructive audience of critics, for I’d more likely spiral down to the depths of self-deprecation if let myself have an audience of critics who think that just rubbing my weaknesses into me even more equals humility. Along with that, I don’t think it would be healthy to have an audience of critics who just tell me to do what I want, as doing that to someone with insufficient knowledge and improper understanding of proper morals would be very dangerous and counterproductive than we think.
Still, to be honest, I have struggles with measuring how good my audience is at giving me critique as well. One big obstacle is my own pride, that warped mirror which often gets in my way in both looking at myself and having a honest and constructive audience. Pride is a word which I have been having growing dislike for lately, and me treating it as something with a meaning that is equal to sufficient self-love is something that’s been bothering me more and more than witnessing others treating it the same way. It’s so easy for me to fall into that trap as well, so much that it’s both scary and infuriating to me.
And with that, there’s also the problem of self-hatred. Pride can fuel that as well, making me do destructive things, particularly self-destructive ones, under assumptions like “atonement for my sins,” something which I don’t truly understand during those times, as much I hate to admit it. The mirrors of pride block the mirrors of truth a lot more with those problems, and when the mirrors of pride are shattered…well, I find those moments miraculous.
And that’s why I find God important. Essential, even.
When I look at the mirrors of truth, I realize that I’ve been the one who has been hurting myself the most, that I have inherent flaws in terms of looking at my own faults with enough focus and clarity. I see the wounds caused by my own hatred, and along with that, I find myself being healed as I keep looking at the mirrors of truth and begin serving God even more.
Sure, my blindness to my own faults, failures, and weaknesses is something that irritates me very much, even to the point of self-hatred, but why should I succumb to my blindness when I have already seen my spiritual vision, among other essential parts of me, getting better? I’ve been asking myself that question again and again lately, and that shows how much of a struggle I’m having, don’t you think?
And so, I find myself beginning to appreciate others even more. Having companions who back themselves and look at the mirror better than me are people whom I should follow as well, for I would learn how to do a better job at inspiring other people into the path of true goodness, something which I want to do very much in my life.
Of course, there will be pain along the way, but that’s how life in this world would go, even when working towards improvement. No pain, no gain, yo.
And hey, when you know that improvement – even if you’ve only witnessed a little – is possible, then there’s really no reason to say that life is a hopeless thing.
So yeah, God Almighty keep on helping us.
Also, as I’d like to request, honest constructive feedback is highly encouraged and will be highly appreciated. And yeah, my pride can get in the way of me finding those, even to the point of trying to drive you away, but hey, don’t let that stop you from trying your best there. 🙂