a Nisekoi fanfiction by The Overlord Bear
Summary: When you grow up, you find some things you did as a kid really stupid. But not everyone grows up at the same rate. Kosaki Onodera can attest to that. She’s also pretty sure that being normal doesn’t mean being some gangster. And she still wonders if the thug life really even chooses people…
“Okay…is this pendant supposed to say that I’m a pussy or something?”
That was a question one Raku Ichijou made while hanging out at his friend’s pastry shop. He was leaning back on the counter as he eyed a locked pendant hanging above his face.
“Maybe. You always were pretty soft for a guy. Maybe that’s why I got one of those keys, too.”
That was the response of Kosaki Onodera, Raku’s friend since middle school. She only gave the pendant a glance before looking into the distance again. It was her turn to man the counter today, all while her younger sister was out with her friends, and their parents (mostly their mother) were working up the foodstuffs.
“Oh, shit, really? I thought I was way harder…I mean, all the guys get jealous over how many girls I usually got smiling at me and all that, you know?”
Of course, Raku went on to be an entertainer narrowly within Kosaki’s tastes. Past the crude language he picked up from his family/gang, he was a pretty nice guy with looks to match. She became certain of that when she witnessed and had some of his cooking for the very first time.
“Also, wait, you got a key for this, Kosaki?”
There was also how forgetfully dense Raku was. Not like it was that big of a problem…well, most of the time. Kosaki remembered some things Raku didn’t, but sometimes, she wished that she could completely remember or forget them. Emphasis on “completely,” because half was already driving her crazy when it got jogged. Same probably went for Raku, if how he was acting were to be considered.
“Ah, yeah…It’s nothing important, though…It probably won’t even fit…”
Why did she even make that sort of promise with a yakuza heir? She even got the real key from that yakuza heiress who was supposed to have it! She wasn’t going to hope for childhood promises to be valid to grown-ups.
“Ehhh? What if you’re my destined lover or something? Wouldn’t you wanna try out being my lady, then, my best lady buddy? Seriously, you’re already a badass with how much you can put up with me!”
Oh, Kosaki wouldn’t want to try too hard, especially after she saw Raku get hit that hard on the head. He survived, but she would rather not remember that, but still…Puppy love would never be a good idea when at least one of the pups’ parents was a big and rabid dog…and there were more than two puppies in love!
“Ah, I’ll probably make the girls jealous, Raku…”
So she said with a fake smile. She hoped that she hid her nervousness enough. Love also meant facing horrors ten or more times than expected. She was not averse to the idea of being in a romance, even with Raku, but she just wished that her crush wasn’t someone who was born into a circle of organized crime. He didn’t like his position as heir that much either, but family often made things very complicated.
“Well, duh! Who else among the girls can brag about being able to handle the lovable idiot guy named Raku Ichijou? You know how all the other girls start running when my mouth does the same!”
Putting it that way, Kosaki found it more impressive than she expected. Still, she saw herself as an average girl with realistic expectations. She would swoon over pretty boys, but they would always be a distant dream she can never handle well up close…
“Besides, your cooking aside, you’re really kind and well-tempered and orderly and cute and sexy and…”
And there he went again, running his mouth off. Kosaki was getting the urge to use her own lips to shut his mouth, but she would be opening Pandora’s Box that way. Maybe there would still be hope, but she didn’t think that she could handle the volume of chaos that life would throw at her, especially not with the sort of folk Raku had. The walls and the floor and maybe even the candies her family made had eyes and ears watching and listening to her every move!
“…and seriously, I think I got a hard-on when you smashed a shovel on that harasser dick’s head!”
But why was she melting her heart like so? Damn idiot yakuza heir!
“Raku…get out. Now.”
“What? Did I say something wrong?”
“I SAID GET OUT!”
So he ran out, leaving Kosaki Tomatonodera to go overripe behind the counter as she had herself far away from being picked on. And since she had pride in her own looks, she covered her face with both palms to spare herself from further embarrassment. Good thing her family wasn’t around, or else they would no doubt tease her while still failing to spot the dangerous sharks lurking beneath the Rakusaki ship.
“Ah, who am I even kidding!? They’ll still find out because of his big mouth!”
And a lot more eyes and ears on the walls and the floor and maybe even the candy. Kosaki wouldn’t put it past them.
“Are you Kosaki Onodera?”
Fate then came to bring the Grim Reaper along, and the eldest daughter of the sweets shop was ready for it. The signs were there: thuggish yankee girl blasting NWA out loud through a bluetooth speaker, Raku being mistaken for a pervert when he found out about the previous characteristic with an unbelievably accidental upskirt, a fight almost starting between the two rowdy nuts until a fearful Kosaki stood in between them…
“Damn, Kosaki, I didn’t know you had a lesbian stalker! But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised! You’re that great a girl, so great that even other girls get hooked by your – FAMILY JEWELS!”
That stupid gush was plugged up by a specific sort of kick from the student named Chitoge Kirisaki. Oh, and yes, the blonde girl’s mother seemed to be the more powerful one in the relationship. And yes, Raku had found his match in…wherever the two of them were supposed to be.
“Damn, Raku, back at it again with the fuckboy tendencies!”
Despite her knowledge of America’s gangsta rap, it wasn’t really much, and Kosaki had a weaker grasp on the English language. But even with what little she knew, she had a feeling that Shuu Maiko, Raku Ichijou’s best bro and Ruri Miyamoto’s punching bag, was sort of missing the point there. For one, Raku still had his virginity. Kosaki didn’t think that a bad thing, though, because even though she wouldn’t admit it out loud, she found him cuter that way, even when he was trying (read: failing) to get some with other (read: usually mediocre) girls. Times like that made her feel fortunate with his crazy personality…until she had to remind him about how there was a good girl right in front of his face the whole damn time.
“Hey, Earth to Onodera.”
And then the blonde girl with the red ribbon pulled Kosaki out of that slippery slope with a light slap or two to the face. The sweets shop girl blinked, and then she locked her widened brown eyes into the sharpened blue.
“Let’s talk during lunch. Just you and me.”
And as Chitoge Kirisaki let go and walked to her seat, right after their homeroom teacher called for the class to stop the commotion and get back into order, Kosaki Onodera blinked some more…before feeling some cold sweat on her back and a growing pit in her stomach.
“I’m gonna die, aren’t I?”
Kosaki whispered that to herself. Fortunately, no one else heard it.
“So…should we stalk and maybe record those two for Raku later? He doesn’t look like he’ll back up anytime soon after that hit…”
“Ew, you perverts! Girls, we better watch the boys later!”
Unfortunately, they missed what she whispered for all the wrong reasons.
“Is that the Shuuei heir, Miss Kirisaki?”
“Ah, yeah, I’m just dealing with a childhood promise, though. Nothing too troublesome!”
“May I ask about your new friend over there, then?”
Kosaki had no words to pull out of her mouth at the moment. The driver was nice, but still…
“Oh, she’s just a really good girl, don’t worry! Just start driving before our weirdo classmates go crazier than they already are and force us to get one too many cleaners!”
And speaking of crazy, just as Raku was getting back up during break time, the blonde demon whacked the back of his head so hard and then carried him on one shoulder. Next, she took Kosaki on her other shoulder. Then, she went into a mad dash towards a limo that just arrived by the school gate.
“So, I’m guessing that you remember me, Kosaki?”
Kosaki definitely remembered Chitoge Kirisaki. Fear had her remembering ever since her family’s Beehive Gang and the Ichijou’s Shuuei Group played some sort of strange and deadly ball sport that almost got Raku killed via blunt force trauma.
“She doesn’t look like she was born into the life you have, Miss Kirisaki.”
Maybe it wasn’t the ball sport that was scary. What was really scary was the reaction the two gangs had. The Beehives probably did it, but perhaps a Shuuei did it and then blamed it on the Beehives. Not like it mattered, though. They all got into one scary fight in the end. Even though they made up later on, they were still at each other’s throats, and shots were fired so hard that although she had not gotten a wound upon her flesh, Kosaki’s young mind was traumatized by the violence that had happened in front of her.
“I wanna go home…”
Tears were starting to fall off Kosaki’s eyes. She had just been wandering during a summer vacation trip. She didn’t know that she was in dangerous territory. She never told her family about what she went through, only that she had “made some new friends” before quietly crying herself to sleep.
“Pull yourself together, Kosaki!”
Kosaki got two harder slaps to the face from Chitoge.
“Raku’s all yours, Kosaki. I just wanna personally remind you about that after all these years. I also didn’t want to do it online because you’d probably shut me out faster and harder.”
Yeah, that’s what she said. Kosaki couldn’t really bring herself to be as crude as Raku and say that out loud, though.
But still, the fear was turning into anger.
Kosaki appreciated Chitoge’s kindness, but…
“I don’t…I don’t deserve him…”
Kosaki knew that she was just a normal girl. She was just the girl next door…well, sort of, because she had some weird family members who ran a sweets shop. She could brag about being Raku’s childhood friend or acquaintance or whatever, but she wasn’t the only one Raku had there. She could even brag about being the only girl who can handle Raku’s brand of stupid and disgusting cuteness, but she hadn’t seen the whole world yet, and there would always be bigger fish to fry.
But then there was the damn organized crime business tied to his name and blood. Keeping him as far away from that as possible would involve lots and lots of blood loss. All Kosaki wanted was a normal life, a kind normal life where her mother didn’t look down on her so much, a kind normal life where her younger sister didn’t pity her lots, a kind normal life where her father took the time and effort to be a little more visible, a kind normal life where…
“I won’t be bothered…by all this bad luck…”
…and everything that was hellbent on crushing her dreams. All Kosaki Onodera wanted was that peace, quiet, and happiness associated with what they called a normal life, a life where she was worth something yet not too shining.
“I don’t want to be a piece of jewelry…”
And Kosaki certainly didn’t want to be the wife of a yakuza heir.
“Then I’ll fake your deaths for you!”
Kosaki decided to answer that with a slap to the blonde’s face.
As the driver sighed, the sweets shop girl was letting out some heavy breathing, all while a shadow came over her eyes.
“Just let me be normal…”
Kosaki growled, and then she pulled Chitoge over by the collar.
“I don’t want to be worthless, but I don’t want to be special…”
The brown-eyed girl glared straight into those widened blue eyes, as if aiming to cut through the sky.
“I just want to be an ordinary sweets shop girl. Is that too much to ask?”
And then a groan came from underneath.
“Ah, damn it, I should’ve hit him a lot harder…but damn, he’s grown a lot!”
Those earthy eyes that tried to cut the sky then turned widened and to the side.
“If this is a dream, then I wish it would never end…but this is probably a nightmare, because I’ll probably be killed if I ask for a threesome! But maybe that’s not too bad either…”
“GO BACK TO SLEEP, RAKU!”
“And that’s how our new classmate managed to get me and Raku together.”
The next day, Kosaki also decided to have some quality time with her best friend Ruri.
“What about his tough lady kink, though? He still acts pretty hormonal, you know. She might fall for him because of how hilariously nice he is, and he might even fall for her because of how charmingly rowdy she is.”
The bespectacled snarker certainly had a point there, but…
“I didn’t say that we’re fiancees or husband and wife or something like that, Ruri. We’re just boyfriend and girlfriend. Nothing more yet, if ever.”
Kosaki had quite a serious talk with Chitoge, so serious that the former found herself in disbelief before the latter asked her chauffeur to blast some NWA, specifically “100 Miles and Runnin.'”
“Well, he’s looking like someone ready to pirate and be pirated…”
Turning to where Ruri was looking, Kosaki saw Raku arguing with Chitoge. Some figurative foot-in-mouth exchanges (read: Chitoge calling Raku a cheater and Raku calling Chitoge a hoe) turned into attempted literal ones, and the rest of the class was watching with some phone cameras recording.
“Heh, not like I’m worried, though…”
Kosaki smirked as she told Ruri, who raised an eyebrow and then had widened eyes after another look at Raku and Chitoge.
“Wait…did you just…?”
The sweets shop girl’s smirk grew wider.
“Just as planned.”
“I think you can still go for him. You’ll probably fit into his family better than he does with how devious you’re being now.”
And then Kosaki turned into a pale stone.
“And there we have it. My best friend has been corrupted.”
“Let’s just hope that there won’t be any police involved, then…”
Fuck the police! Comin’ straight from the underground!
Meanwhile, Chitoge blasted a certain NWA song as her victory theme over Raku, causing Kosaki to curse once more.
“Well, you know what they say, Kosaki…”
“No, don’t say it, Ruri.”
“You don’t choose the thug life…”
“Don’t say it!”
“…but the thug life…”
“GO TO HELL, SHUU!”
Thus began Kosaki Onodera’s descent into Light Yagami madness.
Author’s Note: For a harem rom-com prominently featuring organized criminals, there sure is a surprising lack of sharply deranged humor, don’t you think? I mean, couldn’t it have at least taken some pages from Seto no Hanayome?
Also, speaking of which, have you ever seen “Hanazawa Kana becomes a Yakuza”?