The 21st Century Pinoy Sorrowful Mysteries

The 21st Century Pinoy Sorrowful Mysteries

a Lenten reflection by The Overlord Bear/Jem De Ocampo

“One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, ‘Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!’

But the other rebuked him, saying, ‘Do you not fear God, since your are under the same sentence of condemnation?

And we indeed justly; for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.’

And he said, ‘Jesus, remember me when you come in your kingly power.’

And he said to him, ‘Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise’” (Luke 23:39-43).


#1 The Agony in the Botanical Garden of Los Banos

The Apostles weren’t sleeping, but they sure were complaining about pointy and slimy nature. Their Boss’s resilience in both the forest and the office still baffled them and those cops. And speaking of the cops and Judas, they also had a media team following them, thus causing quite a stir through the scene of, among other things, what seemed to be Jesus allowing a strange kiss from Judas. Peter also drew attention when he used his balisong to cut off a cop’s ear.

#2 The Bashing at the Facebook Livestream

The people became united by confused rage. Bigots and activists ganged up on the engineer who seemed to have a complex beyond the help of mental health advocates and Western medical institutes. If they couldn’t get to Him on cam, then they would shoot from a distance with their social media gadgets. The “trial” happened with clouds as the roof of the courtroom, and an actual fascist junkie rapist named Barabbas was released by popular demand in the process. Peter was also caught breaking down on cam for some reason, while Judas got more pity after he was found committing suicide. At the end of it all, Facebook gained more respect not only from the Filipinos but also from the rest of the world because of all these, the accepted reasoning summarized by the following statement: “It did some very truthful news coverage for once.”

#3 The Crowning of Jesus with Pinoy Action Star Memes

To emphasize the people’s doubt about the power Jesus claimed to have, He was referred to with titles like “Mr. Tatlong Araw Ka Lang,” “BahagHari,” and “The Cardo Trying Hard to Get an Extension.” Jesus was also mocked for being “too rich and sheltered to be an FPJ,” “too brusque and serious to be a Coco,” and “too associated with toxic males and other hateful people to be an actual human of equality.” There also rose a meme called the “Eddie Garcia Test,” which referred to His punishment as something that “tests its target’s immortality potential.”

#4 The Drugged Walk to New Bilibid

Both junkies and vigilantes agreed on forcing quite a high on Jesus as He did His final walk to New Bilibid, where He would be executed. A livestreamed parade of mockery and lamentation followed Him, and He fell at times, to the point that He needed some guy to help Him walk, but He still managed to retain enough consciousness and sense to preach to the people and live out that preaching. And as usual, authorities claimed to be following the will of the people, who they claimed to be the medium that manifests the will of God on earth.

#5 The Lethal Injection at New Bilibid

The people, who had already reinstated the death penalty, had agreed that executions like the firing squad would be disrespectful to the heroes of old, so the culmination would be death by something more muted: lethal injection. The prisoners of New Bilibid were also allowed to witness the execution, and of course, media teams stationed themselves nearby to amplify coverage of the event. Seeing this crowd, the authorities of the prison then decided to try maintaining order by allowing the crowd to interact with Him in ordered queues, a time which Jesus took to give some last words as well. After that, Jesus was executed with two other people, one on each side of Him, but the despised “King of the Filipinos” was the last to die among the three of them, managing to get some more last words out and even getting a drink of water (It should also be noted that He refused to have a last meal before His execution) before actually dying. And then His body was moved to a private funeral ignored by the public. Also, by piercing the corpses’ chests, the guards confirmed the deceased states of the executed, though one of them had a face meeting water along with Jesus’ blood, but that one guard was considered too crazy for media coverage.

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