Today’s Meal: Purple Prose!

Today’s Meal: Purple Prose!

a Gintama fanfiction by The Overlord Bear

Summary: Gintoki hates light novels, Kagura has become a voice actress, and Shinpachi is still a pair of glasses yet is getting a harem for some reason (“YOU’RE TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT US AGAIN, YOU FAME-CHASING BASTARD!?”).

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It all started when Gintoki Sakata encountered some idiots in the world of Persona 5, which a certain tropical bear of a fanfiction author dragged him and other Gintama cast members in and out of. Now, this story is set in his original world, with everyone back in with relevant memories thanks to another bout of crazy imagination.

“Can’t believe that I was in a world where Yusuke Urameshi was overshadowed by a bunch of sleazebags getting too much luck…” muttered the dirty old man who definitely did not have a collection of light novels about a little sister being too cute for her big brother’s imagination. “Also, that’s an exception, bastard. Now let me get my latest Jump and prepare my psychological soundproofing in peace.”

And then he bumped into a lady as he entered the convenience store. Nobody fell over, of course, since the lady he bumped into was…

“Gin-san! I bought you a Jump copy, uh-huh!”

…his daughter figure Kagura! All grown up, filled out in the right places, and wearing that cool intergalactic bounty hunter look! She’s even prettier now, alright, but why ship her with someone whom she considers a dad who’s better than her actual dad? That light novel stash?

“Light novels…?” Gintoki suddenly uttered – Wait, Kagura held a big and transparent bag filled with light novels…and none of them were his exception of a series.

“Oh, I got these from my new job, uh-huh,” Kagura answered, still very relaxed. “I know you only like that weird siscon series, but I keep on getting copies from all the work I’ve been getting as a voice actress. Also, I seem to be a hit as a tsundere, which gets me a lot of disgusting perverts, but at least I can get a lot of EXP through those punching bags, uh-huh. Oh, and I accidentally recommended you and Nobume-san to voice for some philosophical science thing I can’t keep up with. So yeah, uh-huh.”

Somewhere along that explanation, Gintoki had already bought and opened his latest Jump copy. “I’d rather have Minoru Mineta than any of that crap you dumb kids are making,” he started replying. “Light novels are for repressed cowards, while Jump – no, manga is for the truly brave, Kagura-chan,” Gintoki solemnly told her, raising his now fiery eyes. “If you really want to convince me to read that lazy text crap with cheap insert illustrations, then please buy me some spicy doujin artbooks and/or manga of that first.”

“Well, I don’t really care much about light novels and manga and anime and whatever,” Kagura asked, jumping onto Gintoki to read his Jump over his shoulder. “Disgusting perverts everywhere, uh-huh.”

“So you’re doing voice acting work, lugging light novels, and reading my Jump just for money and laughs?” Gintoki asked back, Jump copy still open.

“Pretty much, uh-huh,” And then Kagura dropped off from Gintoki’s back. “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something important.”

“What is it?” the dirty old man with a perm asked as he started walking away.

“Aliens disguised as trucks are invading this place right now. Like that one.”

Kagura then pulled Gintoki into safety, but still…

“I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU LIGHT NOVELISTS!”

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As for the other story in this two-in-one set, a pair of glasses named Shinpachi Shimura was equipped onto his human flesh disguise again.

“I swear, you’ll pay for all that one day, you bastard,” he groaned as he went to the bathroom to freshen up in preparation for another day of teaching and for the creation of a slime thing meant to kill me. “Huh?”

Wait, your murder weapon’s fully operational now?

“Not yet, but…”

Oh yeah, I forgot about the kitchen.

“Good morning, dear husband.”

Blonde, white, blue-eyed, and curvy, yet demure and modest. She even has a secret superhero identity that’s totally badass! And she’s voiced by Mamiko Noto.

So how do you like your new and improved Pandemonium, Shinpachi?

“YOU THINK THIS MAKES ME HAPPY, YOU CRUEL BASTARD!?” Shinpachi shouted.

“Hey, Master’s shouting at nothing again?”

“Ah, no wonder I keep on falling in love with him!”

“So I’m supposed to be a tsundere little sister here, then?”

And then Shinpachi’s rage against the author was temporarily interrupted to process the presences of the other two new additions and Kagura, who were sitting around a very filled dining table. That, and the fact that the corridors outside were filled with knocked-out students.

“Gin-san would love to protect you right now, Shinpachi,” said Kagura as she shook some boogers off her fingers and into her older brother figure’s face, “But he’s busy ordering hits against light novelists, uh-huh. Also, these girls just popped into existence after that bug came back from the dead. Are they also bugs we can eat?”

“I’m not a bug!” denied a grinning dark-skinned girl who was literally smoking, as in the stuff came out of her skin and kept the vicinity’s temperature very high. “I’m my lucky bastard Master’s favorite disciple! I’m so hot, all my fellow students fell unconscious!”

“Ugh, another piece of competition…” glared a pink-haired girl who filled the floor with puddles thanks to her literally melting body. “And she doesn’t seem to be so easily fazed!” She then revealed a hand composed of also drippy but still sharp icicles as fingers. “No need to hide this murderous intent, then!”

Before she could get past pointing at Kagura, the ice girl’s target already knocked her out…by literally chomping her head off.

“Hey, an ice cream girl!” Kagura brightened, and then she chomped on the girl some more. “She’s got a pretty unique flavor, uh-huh!”

“MONSTER!”

And then the heat girl ran away screaming.

“Huh, what a wimp,” Kagura frowned at the unexpected coward, and before she continued eating… “KAGUYA BURGER!”

“AGH!”

…Kagura ran her umbrella through the new and improved Pandemonium’s heart, who soon morphed into a sobbing mess of a hideous beast.

“Pandemonium-san…?”

With the scene all the set, we now show Shinpachi Shimura in tears as he knelt in front of the revived and exposed Pandemonium.

“Shinpachi-san…” the now dying monster lady called back with a weak smile, “I guess I tried too hard, huh? I’m sorry.”

And then Pandemonium breathed her last again. At least she didn’t die horribly eat – Oh wait, there’s Kagura now.

“Hey, this bug and ice cream girl combo sure is pretty delicious!” Kagura glowed. “Maybe we can make a lot of money out of this!”

Thus Shinpachi Shimura cried the day away, cursing himself and – “I’LL KILL YOU!” Welp, time to go now!

“You know, since that Pandemonium thing had an actually decent body there, I’ll let Shinpachi chase you.”

SHUT UP, GINTOKI!

“I’LL KILL YOU TOO FOR THAT INSULT, GIN-SAN!”

“DAMN WANNABE TEXT VOMITERS!”

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