If You Knew What This Worse Selfish Guy Wants…

If You Knew What This Worse Selfish Guy Wants…

some insomniac musings by The Overlord Bear/Jem De Ocampo

…would you still insist on being selfish?

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If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

Just like you, I’ve been looking for people to say that my own twisted desires are right, too. Would it be suicide if I asked ourselves to doubt those desires, then? Indeed, it’s depressing to have one’s ego battered and bruised so much, whether others like it or not.

Still, I ask: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

Would you insist on your own selfishness, killing your own depression, all while judging another’s and boosting their depression? Or would you like to suffer a boost in depression with that person with worse selfishness? I myself wouldn’t call this a dilemma, but I think that most people probably would.

Again, I ask: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

I can and should see our rage against ignorance. But considering our insistence on selfishness at the same time, and before we even try to cry for solutions, I think we can and should also admit that there are times when we pretentious fools wish we were ignorant. And we know that staying in denial forever is a bad idea.

I’ll ask even more: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

Indeed, I am no therapist. I am just a wannabe artist with his own mental issues, ones likely worse than yours, worse enough that they might even lead my genuinely caring yet still imperfect parents to carelessly call me “insane” or “possessed” like I’m an infamously heinous criminal who can’t be saved if they ever figure out how selfish I really am. The credibility I myself have is very low, even as an artist, and we all know through our everyday suffering that there should be no room for entitlement.

One more time: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

You can ask why I’m even daring to ask such a question, too. My credibility is low, and my selfishness is even worse, so why should I dare to ask a question that implies a demanding desire to make you change? Indeed, we all want to change on our own terms, but tell me: We’re not perfect, but would we really be able to grow up without others’ help?

I repeat: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

I know you can and probably even would, you know? You’re not the first person I’ve met who’s like that. And I think I can say that I’m that one of those earlier people, if not the first.

So once more: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

You may be right somewhere in your sob story lectures about right and wrong, lectures which seem to me more like bragging about your relative moral high ground. You can go brutal about stopping me from killing what you think are “good vibes,” “good vibes” you share with your mobs as you easily figure out the correct calculations about how evil I truly am. God Almighty gifted us humans the power to choose for ourselves, after all, even at the risk of us going stupid about it.

So if you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, would you still insist on being selfish?

Wait, let me rephrase that now: If you knew what this worse selfish guy wants, then how do you think you can do better? Because whether or not I hate your guts, I still see someone better than me, and I’d rather have humiliating growth instead of glorified destruction. You and I have our ghosts, but not all ghosts are demons.

So what will you do if you met a person more selfish than you?