Shirou, Shiki, and Mikiya Walk into Ahnenerbe
a Nasuverse fanfiction by The Overlord Bear
Summary: Two harem-brained idiots ask for help from an honest-to-goodness dad. Said dad’s wife and their daughter also help.
Previous Part: “Azaka, Akiha, and Illya Walk into Ahnenerbe”
First Part: “Arc, Art, and Shiki Walk into Ahnenerbe”
“So you want my help with…your girls?”
“Oh, so you’re those two blondes’ boys. I didn’t expect you to look like my husband and Tomoe Enjou, though.”
“It’s Creepy Onii-chan and Dummy Onii-chan!”
As he did a dogeza, Shirou Emiya took that humiliation from the Ryougi Family like the self-loathing champ that he was. He hoped that his Shinji Mark II friend also did the same. Also, he had no idea who Tomoe Enjou was.
Meanwhile, as Shiki Tohno did a dogeza, he considered Mikiya Kokutou a gigantic…what was that word? Ah, yes, a gigantic normie. Even with the man’s association to his Sensei’s estranged sister, Shiki Tohno considered Mikiya Kokutou a gigantic normie, because as much the adopted Tohno hated to admit it, only someone like that could have a wife and a daughter who respected him that much. Shiki Tohno, meanwhile, just looked like a normie, and he was more or less proud of not being a normie.
Still, today, those two fools wanted a realer and better man’s help. They didn’t expect his wife and their daughter to be around, though, but still.
Shirou could not comprehend that concept. Everyone had to be happy. What was a hero of justice who couldn’t make everyone happy? Arturia agreed with him! Rin would even help whip him into shape for that! And Sakura helped them all get along!
As for the Tohno boy, he absolutely refused that demand. Pick one girl and stick to her? He had a Gland that no other Tohno ever had (though maybe Nanaya men usually had that?), and when it gave him orders, he would follow it to the ends of the earth and outer space and heaven and hell and wherever else. Vampire lady? Bang her to pieces. Immortal nun? Purify her waste spouters. Broken twin maids? Screw all the trauma away. Adoptive younger sister with a clear crush? Well, at least she isn’t blood-related!
“I think they can’t comprehend that, Mikiya,” Shiki Ryougi, still having that flat look, turned to her husband.
“Maybe they had…uh, trauma?” Mana Ryougi tilted her head at the two boys as she asked that question to her parents.
“Okay, can you explain why you have reservations about that, then?” Mikiya asked next.
“Well, we all get along,” Shirou answered with a straight face.
“And I make them get along,” Shiki Tohno answered with a hard face.
“They don’t know much about girls,” Mana immediately commented. “No wonder Auntie and that Onee-chan beat Creepy Onii-chan up, too.”
“At least I don’t bang little girls, little girl!” the Tohno boy protested, glasses shining like crazy.
“Shinji, be nice to Mana-chan,” Shirou reprimanded.
“WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME ‘SHINJI?'” Shinji Mark II yelled. “MY NAME IS SHIKI! SHIKI TOHNO!”
“How unfortunate that we have the same first name reading as well, then,” Shiki Ryougi also commented right as a waitress slapped the back of the Tohno’s head for being too loud, but before he could fire back at all that…
“You remind me of an old friend, you know?” Shirou replied to the Tohno’s question. “You’ve been acting nicer than him during all the time we’ve hung out, so I thought you have more hope than he had. But then that thing with Illya happened, and now I’m honestly running on fumes here.”
“I’m pretty sure she’s legal, man,” Shinji Mark II replied. “I was just joking when I threatened her with the Gland! The Gland knows when a loli’s legal or not!”
“Mama, if you use your eyes and knife on Creepy Onii-chan’s Gland, then will he become as nice as Mitsuru-san?” Mana then asked her mother.
“That is a good idea,” the female Shiki nodded. “What do you think, Mikiya?”
“If that’s the best solution, then go for it,” Mikiya shrugged, and then he grinned. “Maybe even take out one of his Mystic Eyes so that we have three one-eyed men in our family!”
“I’ll consider that,” the female Shiki nodded with Mana.
“Wait, I was just joking!” Mikiya raised his hands with nervousness.
“Oh, is that so?” Shiki Ryougi realized, and then she nodded again. “Okay. We should consider Touko-san’s opinion as well, considering this boy’s relation to her sister.”
“It really is a good idea, though, Papa,” Mana pouted at her dad. “I mean, Creepy Onii-chan can’t turn his Mystic Eyes off like Mama can! Maybe he can turn it off with just one eye, then?”
“Why did I even try to approach these psychos for advice in the first place?” Shiki Tohno muttered with grit teeth.
“Well, Mikiya-san is the only decent father we know, right?” Shirou responded, having heard his companion’s question.
“Fair point, but still, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either we follow his advice and suffer thanks to our other girls, or we keep on hesitating about it until his wife and their daughter decide to cut my Gland and Eyes out.”
“I think the cutting part’s a good idea, though,” Shirou frowned at Shinji Mark II.
“Are you seriously saying that you want your jewels and your eyes cut out, too?” the Tohno boy asked back with widened eyes.
“Well, if it’ll make everyone happier…”
“Why do I even expect much from you, Emiya?” Shiki Tohno facepalmed. “How the hell did you get that many girls in the first place?”
“I’d ask the same about you too, Tohno, but I guess the answer’s obvious already.”
“I’m a giant dick?”
“No, you’re a worse dick. Smarter than Shinji, but somehow, it makes you even worse. The real Shinji would really do his best to straighten himself out after a painful enough beatdown, you see.”
“I thought you weren’t friends anymore?”
“I didn’t say that I wouldn’t give him another chance.”
And then Shiki Tohno threw his arms up with another yell, earning yet another dope slap from a waitress. Then he slumped onto the ground, going “I give up…”
Meanwhile, Shirou went dogeza again. “Please do as you wish with us,” he even said.
At that, the Ryougi Family exchanged looks, and then they all nodded.
But as Shiki Ryougi moved to drag the two boys to somewhere more private for their dignity’s sake…
“What do you think you’re doing with our man, you old hag?”
“Is that Senpai you’re holding?”
“Wait, it’s the woman who helped me be more assertive towards Shirou!”
“Good thing Akiha-chan and I tipped all these girls off.”
“Hey, it’s Female Shiki!”
“So that’s the other Shiki with those Mystic Eyes?”
“What are you planning to do to Master Shiki?”
“Maybe she’s got some crazy kinks, Hisui?”
“No, she’ll be ripping Onii-chan’s dick off for good.”
…she had to postpone the organ removal. It would be quite undignified if she didn’t, after all. And since she troubled them so much with this…
“Would you like to have dinner at our residence?” Shiki Ryougi asked.
“Are you gloating at me again, Shiki?”
And then the female Shiki realized that her sister-in-law was also there.
“Hello, Azaka,” the Ryougi greeted, then. “I advise you against pursuing any of these boys I am about to return to their poor caretakers.”
“Forgetting us too, Shiki?”
“The male one, the male one, or the female one?”
“Shut up, Aoko.”
And then they all noticed the Aozaki Sisters.
With instincts ringing, Shiki Ryougi decided to drop the two boys and take her leave to prepare her family and their house for dinner before she ended up trapped in the incoming posh magi freakout over the Blue.
“Hey, wait for me, you crazy sister-in-law!”
Wait, the house probably wouldn’t fit them all, so…perhaps she could rent out the whole cafe they were in earlier?
Author’s Note: I thought I was already done with this series, but then a MikeGrahm’s encouraging comment on the first work had me writing this installment, which now got me planning another installment. And maybe there’s some boredom involved again.
Next Part: -to be made-