Throwing a Mad Phoenix a Cool Skeleton

Throwing a Mad Phoenix a Cool Skeleton

a hololive fanfiction by The Overlord Bear

Summary: Reaper apprentice Calliope Mori gets assigned to kill a rogue phoenix named Kiara Takanashi. It was an easy job, more or less, but it was also pretty entertaining.

So comes one of the Reapers.”

Hood over my head, I entered my current target’s lair. It was an abandoned tower in a forest and by a lake. There was a boss phoenix here, but getting reset by one of his underlings along with the local heroes becoming her roast meals meant that the Underworld could get a little too much work if left unchecked, so now we Reapers have to take some more initiative to maintain the balance of life and death here.

“Calliope Mori, at your service. You’re Kiara Takanashi, right? Nice to meet ya.”

Of course, me being the cute and badass motherfucker that I am, I decided to take the job. Besides, if I get my ass handed to me, then that’s just another day for me.

I smell a fresh scent coming from you,” spouted the shit bird with a flappy beak and tons of hot air from its perch. “Do your superiors think of me as a joke?”

“Well, it’s just me who thinks you’re a joke,” I smirked as I cocked my hip and raised a hand. “I mean, what’s with that doombringer voice? You ever know about how we Reapers manage to ease souls into the afterlife with a thing we call variety?”

You must have a death wish, fool.”

I laughed out loud at that. “Are you joking? Or are you just that dumb? Oh, and we can revive like you, but we don’t lose our memories like you phoenixes would. I’m guessing you’re just jealous of us that you went this psycho?”

Would you mind telling me more about your secrets, then, oh wise Reaper apprentice?”

Again, I laughed. This idiot is actually more entertaining than I expected! “You’re gonna have to get on my level first, featherface, or you’ll have to flock off!”

Very well. I shall give you a handicap.”

With a bit of surprise at that calm and cocky response, I summoned my scythe with a step back.

Meanwhile, the shit bird lifted off and dropped to the ground with a flash of flames, doing a three-point landing as…

“Now, would you do me the honor of showing me more about you that is, as they say, under the hood?”

…a sexy naked girl.

It’s not like this is the first time I’ve learned about supernatural creatures disguising themselves as humans. Still, I gotta admit, she’s got a good grasp on feminine sexiness. Though I think that that gradient hair going from orange to bluish green and white is the hottest point in her look, no pun intended.

But on the other hand, there’s her funny voice. No wonder nobody took her seriously. It’s more a tragic pity than a random joke now, but either way, her chicken voice is fit for a dumb shit bird that I wouldn’t want to be around a lot. Funny, but not friendly.

“I don’t know if you’ll call this sexy,” I replied, hand on my black robes for some presentation, “But I guess I gotta return the courtesy, so…”

I threw my robes off as I had them dissipate into the light, exposing myself as a skeleton with pink hair, pink eyes, a dark tiara, and a shiny scythe. Now, I wonder if phoenixes have skeleton sexiness standards?

The now humanoid phoenix gave me a salivating grin. “I have never seen such arousing bones before.”

“Must be my wonderful life and your death wish,” I instantly replied with a bit of a shudder. “Indeed, you flatter me.” I pointed my scythe at her. “But you’re gonna have return to ashy now.”

So I launched myself forward with a flying kick upon the naked humanoid through a scythe plant and a frontflip.

Of course, my little poke met a solid wall.

The phoenix had somehow summoned over her left arm a shield that had a lot of blue. I could feel a lot of heat emanating from it, of course, but it managed to stay really solid like it was some really hard metal.

“My loins are burning with solidity,” she just had to whisper, too, and right as she summoned a sword with a lot of orange in her right hand to stab at me.

I backflipped off the shield and towards my scythe, taking my weapon back and landing with the hope that I wasn’t looking too low at her. “Should’ve brought some icicle spell bombs for this horny season we call summer. But hey, at least there’s dirt.”

So with a grin, I twirled my scythe, turning it and myself into a tornado as I had the force cut off grass, chop off wood, and whip up dirt all around me, followed by gathering the smothering particles above me as I lifted off.

“Better take flight again, shit bird!” I shouted at my target below me, and even from a distance, I could see her maniacal grin as she maintained her humanoid form yet flew up with flames spouting out from under her feet.

Enjoy this pleasure, then, Reaper apprentice!” she boomed back with that deep voice she was using earlier, giving me some more joy as I then went to cockblock her, pun very much intended down to my super cute bones.

NOW SUCK IT!” I even boomed back with a deep big daddy voice as I threw my scythe and the tornado I made forward.

The result was a muddy lake and a half tower with a pile of bright ashes gathered by them. Oh, and the scythe also landed tip first on the ash pile, which got me panicking.

“Oh shit, did I overdo it?” I said as I floated down, had some shadows make me my Reaper robes again, and looked at the results of my hopefully savage, sexy, stylish, and safe finisher. “I can always rap and entertain the money and clout back, but I can’t do the same for an actually dead phoenix.”

Fortunately, I managed to feel relief, as my scythe didn’t land on the little orange bird on the ash pile, though it was a pretty close call. Still, somehow, she looked more like some creature in a deep and peaceful sleep than in a hard and painful knockout.

I picked up the bird, of course. This phoenix was now going through a punishment process, and rogues like her had to stay with us until she’s grown enough to be sent back to walk the earth and fly its skies again.

The thought of sending her off gave me a bit of sadness, though. Maybe her clan wouldn’t welcome her anymore, too, if I remember the reports about her correctly. But that’s just me expecting that she’d be as entertaining as she was today, and it’s a pretty stupid expectation.

I mean, with new life, there’s gotta be new improvements, right? Maybe they mostly won’t be what I expect, but at least there will be new improvements.

“Don’t disappoint me, then, Kiara Takanashi,” I declared as I had the shadows take us back to the Underworld.

Author’s Note: Kiara’s complaints about TakaMori fanfics apparently being mostly sad and tragic and melancholic got me writing this.

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