Fellow Fools and God’s Mercy

These days, it seems like when a person makes a mistake, a popular response to such a thing would be to condemn that person and consider them irredeemable. And considering how much I know, I feel like such a response was popular even during ancient times, even before the Roman Catholic Church was founded. Heh, even me and my fellow Roman Catholics aren’t fully immune to being merciless towards people who make mistakes! Freaking sad, no?

Really, such mercilessness breaks my heart, even when I’m not the target.

And you know, that sort of conflict has led me towards appreciating three saints more. They’re freaking significant people in the history of the Roman Catholic Church, but their lives weren’t perfect. Still, God called them, and they answered, followed, and served well.

Perugino’s “Delivery of the Keys,” or “Christ Giving the Keys to St. Peter”

Saint Peter, the First Pope…and the Apostle who had disowned Jesus thrice.

Saint Paul the Apostle…the man who was once known as Saul, one of the people who actively persecuted the Christians.

And then there’s Saint Augustine of Hippo…a man who had spent years of his life in loose and sinful living before his conversion.

Unbelievable, no? I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people who would call God an idiot after knowing about this. Such a reaction is something that I fear, but it’s not so scary when I think about my experiences and those three saints’ lives. Believe it or not, God showed mercy to them and called them to serve Him, and I’m sure that he shows mercy to us through various ways…ways that we imperfect beings don’t clearly sense all the time…

Sure, we humans aren’t perfect. That’s true, and I’m sure that God knows that everyday. He hates sin, yes, but He sees goodness in us, even though it seems like we sinners don’t deserve His mercy. That’s something that I realized as I lived and grew up. God’s mercy…that has inspired me towards being merciful to other people, even though doing that is freaking difficult at times.

So yeah, trying to follow Jesus Christ seems freaking stupid these days, and I once thought that being faithful to God was a freaking stupid thing to do. Now, I understand why Jesus went through all that suffering, and why He said “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” and kept going through that suffering, not even doing the smiting that we warmongering idiots highly expect from God Almighty.

Yes, we are idiots, and we have misunderstood God again and again. But still, we can be truly good to each other and experience true happiness, things that shouldn’t happen without God.

Unbelievable, no? 🙂

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Hangout at the Best of Anime 2015 Convention!

Before this day came, I found myself more willing to go the hangout I went to today because of, well, God, basically. With His help, I found a lot of worthwhile stuff in today’s hangout and thought of good things to do in the future. Bad habits are going to be broken, and good habits are going to be built. The road will be a very difficult one, but I can improve, especially with God’s help. Praise the Lord, and God Almighty help us all!

Now then, I should talk about the fun hangout that I had today!

I'm not very surprised by situations like this anymore. :)

This is the first convention I attended, I think. Also, I’m not very surprised by situations like this anymore. 🙂

Sharp Axe Bob and I, The Overlord Bear, went to the Best of Anime 2015 convention at the SMX Convention Center in SM Mall of Asia. I was invited by Wacks, a friend of mine, and I decided to accept the invitation. I told Bob about it, and he decided to go too. The two of us informed Mom and Dad too, and I guess I should be thanking them for giving us the chance to have fun in that event too! Thanks very much, Mom and Dad!

So, at the convention, I was with Bob, my friends–Wacks, Gabby, Francis–and Bryan (currently at acquaintance level; also, I feel awkward while calling you an acquaintance, Bryan, hahaha). Bob and I arrived first, at about one to two hours before opening time (10am), followed by Gabby, and then by the other three. We spent a considerable amount of time standing and walking in line, and I started to feel my legs getting challenged. I don’t think I complained at that time, though. I was surprisingly chill as we waited in line, bought our tickets, and waited for the crowd in front of us to advance.

And this Chiyo Sakura keychain/bag tag/whatever-thing-argh-what-is-this-meant-to-be is the first thing that I bought at the convention!

And this Chiyo Sakura keychain/bag tag/whatever-thing-argh-what-is-this-meant-to-be is the first thing that I bought at the convention!

A crowd of people was already gathering when we entered, and we started looking at the open booths there. Obviously, there were a lot anime-and-manga stuff and related stuff being sold. There were a lot of things that I didn’t consider worthwhile, but hey hey, I found worthwhile stuff that I bought and did! For example, that item in the photo above!

And now, say hello to the freaking relatable teenage celebrity, Momo Kisaragi!

And now, say hello to the freaking relatable teenage celebrity, Momo Kisaragi!

Also, there was one thing that I wanted but couldn’t buy: a Shintarou jacket. You know, the red jacket that Shintarou Kisaragi wears.

Look to the right, and you'll see a Shintarou jacket that costs P950. Freaking nuts. I didn't have enough money for that while I was there, yo.

Look to the right, and you’ll see a Shintarou jacket that costs P950. Freaking nuts. I didn’t have enough money for that while I was there, yo.

But hey hey, I guess I can properly get it (and with a big enough size, I guess, ’cause that one doesn’t seem like it would fit me, hahaha!) some other time. Also, I should prepare myself more for work. I’m gonna have to get a proper job in the future.

Oh, and I got this too!

A commissioned sketch of Chihiro Fujisaki, done by Ate Camille! Thanks very much, Ate Camille! \(^o^)

A commissioned sketch of Chihiro Fujisaki, done by Ate Camille! Thanks very much, Ate Camille! \(^o^)

And hey, there was also a booth (one run by a group called AniZone, I think?) where visitors can play some video games. Playable there were Osu!, Dengeki Bunko Fighting Climax, and Project Diva F 2nd! I played a lot of Project Diva F 2nd, and after a round of practice, I managed to get a prize from a raffle after playing (since I had to finish at least one song on Hard difficulty, and hey, even if I didn’t satisfactorily clear them, I finished three songs!), and I managed to listen to some of my favorite VOCALOID songs (like “Nisoku Hokou,” “Kagerou Daze,” and “Karakuri Pierrot”) while I played! While I waited for my second play, though, I also chatted with one of the people working for that booth! We chatted about VOCALOID and music and some other related stuff, I didn’t feel very awkward, and hey, I think me managing to have such a conversation with someone without a lot of awkwardness is impressive! Give a pat to your back, Tobby! Freaking nuts! Your social skills are improving!

Here's the prize I got from the raffle after clearing that Hard mode challenge in playing Project Diva F 2nd! A Kyouko Kirigiri pin!

Here’s the prize I got from the raffle after clearing that Hard mode challenge in playing Project Diva F 2nd! A Kyouko Kirigiri pin!

And speaking of improving social skills, I managed to approach some cosplayers–ones who are cosplaying characters from series that I’m very interested in–and ask for permission to take photos with them without much help from my companions! I felt awkwardness, yes, but hey, I think I can say that I have improved!

Now then, here are the photos with me and them cosplayers!

I took a picture with Kuroha and lived to tell the tale (hahaha)

I took a picture with Kuroha and lived to tell the tale (hahaha)

I think a scream was threatening to break out of me for a variety of reasons (one reason being the desire to fanboy, hahaha) while I held the camera here.

I think a scream was threatening to break out of me for a variety of reasons (one reason being the desire to fanboy, hahaha) while I held the camera here.

Trust me and my P3 knowledge--that is not a gun, but an Evoker. It's shaped like a gun, and it works to cause trauma, leading the user to summon their Persona with the help of a bunch of other magical things in it. And yes, I guess that description still sounds terrifying.

Trust me and my P3 knowledge–that is not a gun, but an Evoker. It’s shaped like a gun, and it works to cause trauma, leading the user to summon their Persona with the help of a bunch of other magical things in it. And yes, I guess that description still sounds terrifying.

Seto isn't getting a lot of screentime again, huh?

Seto isn’t getting a lot of screentime again, huh?

And as for socializing, I shouldn’t forget my companions! Gabby’s still a pretty chill guy, even when I was complaining a lot because of my tired legs (I’m sorry for the noisy complaints too, Gabby!). Wacks, well, he still has that laziness and loudly coarse attitude and sense of humor. I think I can see more of his street smarts too behind all that coarseness, though. And hey, I guess he’d be vocal about it if he didn’t want me hanging out with him, no?

Ah, and Francis and Bryan. Among my companions, they’re in the bottom of my “Most Interacted With” list, but they’re chill people, I think, even if certain interests of ours aren’t the same. Oh, and speaking of same and different opinions, even though I still like the Kagerou Project, I think we do calmly agree that its story’s presentation isn’t very great in stuff other than its music (although I’d still read the light novels and manga, ’cause I’ve got more patience for the series)…and that the TV version of Mekakucity Actors’s act09 opening animation is a substandard piece of work. KagePro’s performance also inspires me to make something that surpasses it. You still won’t be forgotten, KagePro and its production crew!

Oh, and I shouldn’t forget that thing that I need to do for a certain thing that Francis and I are working on…

And wait, better not forget Sharp Axe Bob! I think we’ve been getting closer as we interacted during the day! Well, we talked about some parts of our lives. Like school. And he seemed to be aiming to take pictures of and with cute female cosplayers while in the convention. Hahaha…well…I guess I just made this awkward…?

Anyway, yeah, it was a freaking fun day! I saw improvements in myself! Even if I didn’t spend a lot of time being together with all of my companions while in the con, and even if Gabby, Bob, and I left the con first (at around 3pm, and then we went to the Manila International Book Fair area ’cause Gabby needed to buy a book there), I found lots of fun, and I guess my companions found lots of fun too, even if we weren’t loaded with lots of money, and even if I found myself really annoyed at my tired legs during the later parts of the hangout. I think certain companions of mine enjoyed certain musical performances in the convention as well…

From right to left: Me, Francis, Bryan, Bob, Wacks, and Gabby.

From right to left: Me, Francis, Bryan, Bob, Wacks, and Gabby.

Now, I’d like to thank my companions at the con very much for hanging out with me! Thanks very much, Wacks, Gabby, Francis, Bryan, and Bob! You have helped Tobby improve! I hope that I have helped you improve too, dear companions!

Well, now that that’s done, time to get some rest, and then get back to doing chores and work and other important stuff! And again, I’d like to praise the Lord, and I’d like to ask God Almighty to help us all as well!

And hey, see you again in the den, nutshellcrackers! \(^o^)

Operation: Kill Tobby’s Social Internet-Sightedness, Phase 1

This morning, my dad told me off for using the computer without asking for his permission and for using it very early in the morning, especially when I haven’t gotten enough sleep. When my dad told me off and asked for my laptop, I felt really annoyed. It’s like my stomach was slowly twisting and turning itself into knots, causing pits in it to appear in the process.

I guess that’s how I end up feeling when I find a lot of friends in the Internet and not much in face-to-face interactions outside the Internet. In the outside world, the worthwhile people seem to be non-existent. I think “hard to find” would be a better term for them, but it’s not like I have enough willpower to try to find one in the outside world when I have homework and so many other responsibilities to deal with. I do find it important to be in the outside world; after all, I have dreams that need to be fulfilled that require doing that.

But life has taught me that I need a trustworthy companion to keep me in line everyday. Indeed, self-reliance is important for it can make work more efficient, but that does not mean that relying on other people is unimportant. Self-reliant people don’t reach a sufficient level of self-reliance by themselves, you know. Trustworthy companions are important, alright. I love my family, I greatly appreciate my friends, I don’t like underestimating acquaintances and colleagues, I like teachers and superiors who do their job well, I don’t mind getting married to the girl who’s right for me someday as well, and I don’t like hating any person’s existence.

There’s something that I’d like to say, though.

If only I had some interesting companions nearby everyday. Not just in the Internet, but outside the electronic sea as well. Thing is, I’m socially Internet-sighted. You remember the second paragraph? That feeling where worthwhile companions seem non-existent in the world outside the Internet while the Internet seems to have all the worthwhile companions? You can call that social Internet-sightedness. It’s probably not in the dictionary, so just remember near-sightedness and far-sightedness and I guess you’ll understand what I mean.

So yeah, I think I’m like that right now. And I think it’s definitely a problem, even though some stupid part of me thinks that it’s okay for me to live with it. I got dreams that require social interaction outside being in front of computer, stupid side! Freaking sticks, go kill yourself already, stupid side…

Anyway, I’m socially Internet-sighted, and it’s a problem for someone like me. I’m not a loner, but someone who’s mostly introverted and really selective of who I hang around with. As I’ve said, I know of the importance of having trustworthy companions, such as friends and family, but the social Internet-sightedness is getting in the way. My recent daily life has been filled with me feeling like no one outside the Internet would care much about all the stuff I’m interested in, which are mostly things that I had discovered through the Internet. A lot of the stuff I’m interested in seem to be things that most people outside the Internet wouldn’t care much about. And then there’s people being greatly held by stupidity (not like the Internet doesn’t have people like that), and I guess can say that they’re a major contributing factor in the worsening of my social Internet-sightedness. It’s not like I’ve completely lost faith in humanity, though. The current social condition in my environment outside the Net is just too much for someone like me, someone who hates big loads of annoying stuff in my senses a lot.

With the worsening of my social Internet-sightedness, I have a higher risk of having Internet addiction (Wait, I think I already have some level of that in me, ugh…), and I’d probably end up a sad and stupid wreck by the time I go lazy NEET shut-in or something similar because of it. If I do end up being that sort of wreck, I think it’ll be maintained by me doing some seemingly rational but actually deceptive and irrational self-justification that would ruin all of freaking humanity, followed by humanity doing mass suicide or something gruesome like that.

I do not want to become the leader of something like Ultimate Despair, damn it. I WANT TO BECOME A SERVANT-LEADER FOR SOMETHING LIKE THE FUTURE FOUNDATION!

…*sigh*…I wish at least my family would try to know a lot about the stuff that I like, such as KagePro. And Dangan Ronpa. And Let’s Players and video games. And so much more that you’d be really likely to stop reading this post by the time you completely read the full list. That way, I guess hanging around my family in our household would be less boring, and I’d probably be more motivated in following their orders if they did some hilarious reference that would end in one or more of us family members going hammy (but not neighbor-annoyingly hammy) and then doing some proper stuff like household chores so energetically. Like, I think it would be fun if my family seemed like the main cast of some light, inspirational, and friendly family and slice-of-life comedy.

It looks like I need to lure them into my world. Not the stupid and perverted Internet addict world; that dumb world can go implode on itself right now. I gotta freaking make the good stuff that I discovered in the Internet into fuel for living life outside the Internet even more better! YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

But how to do that, though? Let’s think, Tobby.

I tend to go into interactions with people when they like talking about things I like or when we need to talk for stuff like school and work, and if they don’t seem interested, I won’t bother so much with talking to them. Thing is, with that approach of mine in social interaction, schoolwork and other sorts of work have gotten more boring. Like, is there no really no way to make the work that we’ll be doing entertaining without violating someone? I need to freaking go by a different but still good approach.

Now, we need to do some concrete moves if we want to get more worthwhile companions, Tobby. As of now, trying to find friends in the outside world is like trying to do the Aussie walk in rappelling (which is, in my mind, currently a rappelling method of the world of nightmares), and right now, the Internet seems like the best way to get more of those potential outside world friends to approach me more, so what I do need to do?

Get someone to share your works and the stuff that you like, Tobby. Be more persistent (don’t be rude, though) with getting people to check and share your stuff out. People who would probably be the least annoyed when you increase your persistence would be your parents and that one close friend of yours who lives in the neighboring city, who we shall call Shirokage for now. Oh, and maybe that one classmate of yours as well. But still, you gotta step into the courage zone. Keep on trying to properly convince people to check out your work, give honest feedback on them, and share it to their social circles in the Internet! And don’t forget to do your best with making your work, Tobby! You gotta do your part, you know!

And I think trying to get Mom and Dad into some of your interests while trying to get into some of theirs would be great as well! Maybe they could have some more entertaining and inspirational days knowing about KagePro with them, and maybe you’d even have entertaining and inspirational days doing their favorite physical exercises and sports with them! Get into their interesting hobbies, and try to show them that your hobbies can be worth some of their time! With that, I think both sides would find more effective ways to convince each other to do good things. Like, I think we can use KagePro characters to inspire each other to do something good, like, “Remember Momo?” or one of us sings Otsukimi Recital or something like that. I guess your days would be less boring if you got them in your hobbies, and I guess their days would be less boring if they found your hobbies worthwhile.

So yeah, start with your parents. Or your second and third siblings. Or the people near you that you can talk to about your hobbies and their details comfortably. Once you succeed, I think you’ll gain more confidence, especially with those people surely backing you up in living life properly even more!

And eventually, if you do it right, that social Internet-sightedness of yours will be vaporized, and we’ll all be happy and dance in fields of harmless flowers as we see that disease get murdered by our rays of friendship and goodness. It’s going to be beautiful…

Now, get to work, Tobby! Makoto Naegi, Madoka Kaname, and Ayano Tateyama surely believe in you! GO, YOU FREAKING CRAZY BEAR! GO AND BE THAT MORALLY UPRIGHT AND FRIENDSHIP-LOVING HUMAN WHO CLAIMS THAT HE’S A BEAR IN THE INTERNET BECAUSE HE ALSO WANTS TO BE MORE APPROACHABLE!

Operation: Kill Tobby’s Social Internet-Sightedness, Phase 1, begin!

Please listen to your children as well, dear parents

Upon my father’s suggestion–no, order to do something productive other than using a computer for two weeks, here I am, writing a blog post in a computer while out of the range of my parents’ senses. I know of the importance of chores (such as going to the grocery, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, cooking my food, and cleaning my room) and exercise, for I need to eat adequately and maintain my health in order to do the work that I must do. I know of the importance of reading worthwhile books and study material, for I need knowledge in order to do my work better. I know of the importance of interacting with people, especially face-to-face, for I cannot carry out a lot of the work that I must do without interacting with another person. I know of the importance of going to school and properly accomplishing enough years there, for most of my potential employers find it hard to trust someone with a job without the potential employee having a legitimate-looking piece of paper that’s supposed to prove the existence of their awesome skills (Freaking nuts, I feel like we humans are greatly underestimating ourselves a lot lately). I know of the importance of engaging in proper work, for I and the world around me need it to progress towards betterment and to keep ourselves from crumbling into millions of sad and dysfunctional pieces. I know that I am suffering from Internet and computer addiction, as shown by my horrid time management and social skills (Remember my recurring lack of sleep and my stuttering and pausing?). I know that my parents cannot do help methods that are beyond our family’s available resources, as shown by their repeated reminders and complaints about the amounts of money and energy that they are spending for the family’s needs. And I know that my parents care for me and my siblings, as shown by them working their current jobs even though they don’t like a lot of stuff about their jobs, them willingly trying to listen to me when I ask them to have a conversation with me, and the order that I mentioned in the first sentence of this paragraph.

But hold on, am I supposed to think that all my suggestions regarding how I should deal with my problems are useless and stupid? Am I supposed to think that with the way I am right now, sneakily writing and posting this blog post on the Net because I find it hard to express myself via oral communication, I am completely unable to help myself? Are all my parents’ advice and commands that they use–those things that my parents think are right–for dealing with socially awkward and Net-addicted me supposed to be called right and all my suggestions wrong? Am I supposed to consider myself completely useless because I’m addicted to the Net? And am I supposed to just follow all my parents’ orders?

Sure, I would follow some of my parents’ orders. Sure, I would do chores before all the gadget time. Sure, I would exercise regularly. Sure, I would try to study and read books, finish this messed-up semester of mine with the best of my ability, transfer to the Open University, and go properly get a bachelor’s degree. Sure, I would try to engage in proper work within the range of my abilities. Sure, I would try to kill my Internet and computer addiction. Sure, I would try to uplift my family while killing their boredom. And sure, I would try to make friends with real people.

But don’t dismiss me as useless. Don’t ignore all my suggestions. Don’t think that I’m unable to help myself. Don’t think that I’m not trying to do something good for you and me. Don’t think that I’ll follow everything you say. Don’t think that I don’t want to improve myself. And don’t insult me.

Insult my freaking stupidity only, please. I think you’re accidentally insulting the wrong target, Dad. I’m not as weak and stupid as your currently dominating stupidity thinks. I may be bad at oral communication right now, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t express myself nor am I unable to improve in oral communication. I may not know some important stuff right now, but don’t ever forget that I can learn. I’m like my youngest brother–dumb-looking and hard to handle, but capable of learning important things and surprising stupidity-dominated people.

Don’t underestimate me, my dear parents. Don’t underestimate us children.

Planning and Rehabilitation with Tobby the Creative Writer

So, Tobby, you’ve gotten yourself in a bad situation involving Net addiction, failing subjects, bad time management, increased social awkwardness, and a strained parents-and-child relationship. Well, before we go thinking about how to deal with these issues, let me tell you something.

You managed to survive several years of bullying during grade school, you managed to report a bully properly during high school, you properly passed your basic education years, you managed to properly pass the University of the Philippines College Admission Test, you managed to keep up a blog for a personal-record-breaking one year, you can wash dishes, sweep and mop floors, feed cats and dogs, clean up your room, water plants, make people laugh, and you even have a freaking real person who’s a fan of your mostly Japanese song covers! Oh, and you’ve made some precious friendships that are still standing today. Don’t forget that.

Think of looking at that previous paragraph like it was your necessary review of your stats in a strategy role-playing game. Think of it as not just a look at your weakness, but a look at your strengths. You may not be good at everything, but you’re good at something, and that thing where you’re good at can help others be happy. Oh, and you have more than one thing that you’re good at. It may not be amazing to everyone, this skillset of yours, but someone’s definitely gonna find it amazing.

Now, let’s talk about one thing that you’ll need to learn: household chores. No, you won’t be losing Net time permanently, you crazy bear. You’ll definitely need to use the Internet sometime, considering your social skills in the outside world and what sort of work you want to do in the future, but you gotta remember basic needs. Don’t do household chores just because Mom and Dad said so, but because you have basic needs that should be fulfilled during everyday life.

And now, the thing in the way of you learning about doing the adequate amount of household chores…I think it’s your Net addiction. No, I told you that you won’t be permanently stopped from swimming in the Internet, Tobby. You need balance, crazy bear. Since it seems like your inhibitions go out the window and shatter into a million dysfunctional pieces whenever you get your hands on a computer/smartphone/tablet and a powerful enough Internet connection while no one important is watching over your time management, you should try using it when people like Mom and Dad are around. Or maybe you could go use it when they’re not around, after you do chores. But maybe the former idea seems like a better idea. Remember how tough it is for you when no one important is watching over you? Well, I think you should just talk with them about one of your parents timing your usage after doing the usual chores and studying or during your free time. And try timing your Internet usage by yourself as well…scratch that…for now, I think you should try having someone in your family watch over you and your computer usage time.

As for Internet usage, please reduce your fanfic reading and video watching. Yeah, they’re entertaining, but you’ve got important stuff to do, and some of the fanfics and videos that you check out aren’t really worthwhile for your brain in the long run. Remember how headache-inducing one of the fanfics that you’ve been reading is? Yeah, what a reminder about how much and what sort of action and complicated stuff your mind can take. Also, some videos that you watch, specifically Let’s Plays and stuff like skits and music videos, maybe you could make doing that more worthwhile by watching it with someone like a family member or a friend. Sure, maybe it can be uncomfortable at times, but you gotta remember that your fellow viewers can have different opinions, and that there are reasons behind why they have those opinions. Don’t worry, because there will certainly be someone who will like what you like. And you should try explaining why you like what you like. And as for song covers that you like watching, maybe you could go have them playing while you’re doing chores so you don’t waste time locked up somewhere like your room, checking out how someone’s singing sounds.

Oh, and remember your song covers and all that art stuff and writing stuff? Share them to your Facebook friends. Share them to the Internet. Make them properly and make them worthwhile for your audience. Kill their boredom while uplifting their souls! Remember not to spend too much time on making and sharing those stuff, though. You got basic needs that you need to fulfill in everyday life, you know!

Ah, and school. Yeesh, the state of your academic affairs reminds me of Hibiya Amamiya being smashed by a truck. Or the Mekakushi Dan while facing the Wide-Awake Snake personally. In other words, your performance in school is a wreck. Your absences in classes seem to be reaching a point where you’ll fail because of going over the absence limit. Well, if you can still attend some classes, do what you can. Learn what you can while you prepare to transfer to the Open University. I feel like you’ve been undertrusting your professors and classmates. You seem to be like Marry Kozakura while being in despair because of the Wide-Awake Snake’s cold murderous rampage, both unaware of Ayano and Shintarou’s saving presences. Take it step-by-step, Tobby. If you fail this semester despite doing what you can do, then try again in the next semester. Any rage involving reimbursements to be paid back because of failure in the semester is understandable, but should not drag you down from trying to be better.

By the way, don’t stop blogging. Don’t stop your work here in the Net. Don’t stop writing those pieces of fiction in your mind that are waiting to be developed. Remember, you need balance. You need enough. You can hang out with your precious friends and make more precious friendships here in the Net, but remember that you have needs that involve being outside of the electronic blue sea. You can do well, Tobby. Kill boredom while uplifting souls. Do your best, have fun, keep calm, look at the bright side, and friendship for the win.

Here I Am, In The Internet

I’m introverted and socially awkward. When I’m outside, trying to interact with people, I’m usually a stuttering, pausing mess who spends most of his response construction time thinking that my listener is looking down on me. It’s hard to find trustworthy people outside.

So here I am, in the Internet. People reveal sides they don’t usually show to others in the outside world. Even though people can easily hide themselves in this electronic blue sea, people can also easily reveal themselves and easily find other people here. Combined with faster processing speeds, finding someone to form a friendship with became something that I really liked.

Yeah, I guess I really like forming friendships without having to go out of my room, without going out of the comfort zone. But I already know that that’s stupid. I’ll need to go out sometime. I’ll need to face conflict.

But when I try to train myself in the outside world, in school, I easily find myself in difficulty. When I end up having an awkward conversation, or a conversation that didn’t go as long as I wanted to, or when I fail to do something like homework right, I start feeling like I shouldn’t show myself to my classmates and teachers. When I think about it now, it’s like when I try to exercise. I try to do it because I know that it’s important, but when I try to make a habit out of it and I encounter difficulty, I easily give in to weakness and I start sinking into a pit of freaking misery, butt-biters, and paranoia.

The number of people who seem trustworthy to me in the outside world feels like zero, so here I am, in the Internet. I had met and made a close friend here, and even if we’ve had some conflict, we’re going along well. And I’ve found more people who I can talk with about stuff that many people in my home, school, and local community wouldn’t care much about. I feel like my social skills are getting better there.

Still, I have this paranoia, the feeling that my listener is looking down on me, that comes up a lot whenever I talk to a person in a face-to-face conversation. And I need to have decent oral communication skills, and I think I can improve, but I feel like I can’t.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to find a way to improve myself and my social skills.

And then there’s this bad habit of me procrastinating on many things, including sleep. I try to ask my parents and friends for help, but my friends aren’t there for me all the time, and when my parents try to remind me, I glare at them and grumble and ask for more time with my gadgets, especially when I’m in the middle of something fun in my electronic blue sea swimming time.

So here I am, in the Internet, trying to ask for help.

My condition in school hasn’t been going really well lately, considering that I’ve been procrastinating a lot and that my social awkwardness is giving me a hard time in social interaction and group works. I’ve gone absent from classes for more than a week now, and I feel like transferring to a distance education program.

And here I am, in the Internet, wanting to be a hero.

But I’ll need to go out of my room, out of my house, and go meet people face-to-face. I’ll need to stay away from my Internet connection, lessen time with my computer and smartphone, cut off my only way to effectively interact with other people.

But I don’t think I can handle being in the outside world, so here I am, in the Internet.

I want to improve my social skills. I need to interact well outside the electronic blue sea. I need to go out to get what I want. I want to be a hero, to be happy, to make others happy.

So I need to take some time away from the Internet. I won’t stop connecting to it permanently, but I’ll be out for a while.

So here I am, in the Internet, writing a goodbye to the electronic blue sea as I go get my broken self repaired.

I’ll be back, Internet. Maybe once or twice a week, I don’t know…It depends on what my parents and I will agree on…

And I’ll make sure not to drown in you next time, Internet.

Meanwhile, I should spend some exercise time on swimming in actual water…

Tobby and the Importance of Style in Teaching

In my second year of studying Creative Writing in the University of the Philippines, I’ve learned to put more value in how I present my writings. In the workshop sessions in my CW 100 classes during the past semester, the thing most focused on there would be how the stories of us students and how the audience is most likely to react. The main thing to be improved in a story in the writers’ workshop is not the moral of the story, but how the story is presented. I don’t really mind the technique being the main focus of the writers’ workshop, especially after going through several Creative Writing classes, interesting presentations, and boring presentations.

After all, not knowing how to teach a good lesson to someone is just as bad as teaching a bad lesson.

As I go through life learning about the importance of style in writing and art, I realized that style is also important in socializing. My parents would tell me to smile, even if I’m feeling down, or else people would stay away from me. I don’t agree with that stupid action, but I think I understand why they ask me to do that. Looking happy increases my chances of getting people to talk to me, and my chances of making friends increases as well, because who the freaking nuts wants to interact with sad people?

“Oh, me, me! I wanna interact with sad people because if I don’t, I won’t understand a lot about how to make them happy!” says the crazy bear seriously. And yes, I agree with the crazy bear. Interacting with happy people shows me what makes people truly happy, and interacting with sad people shows me what makes them sad and what I should do and not do in helping them be happy. Oh, and I hate being apathetic to sad people when I can do something to help them.

But now that I think about it, yeah, I find it really hard to approach people who frown hard and look at me like I’m trash that they want to throw into an incinerator and never see again. I need more calmness, optimism, and social skills training.

Hm, style is important, too, alright. Thank you very much, Creative Writing workshop sessions.

Still, I hate lying. I hate hating people as well. And I hate being forced to do things against my will, especially when I’m in a weakened state. And I hate being looked down on. I like getting feedback, but I hate being looked down on.

You know what, I should just try expressing the importance of interesting style in teaching lessons by using an interesting style. How about I express it like this…Imagine two different groups of protesters, both protesting against their stupid government in front of their apparently corrupt Head of State’s residence. One of them hotheadedly asks to step down while charging towards the guarded entrance and threatening to break down the door and all the property there if they don’t get what they want. Said hotheaded group also spews insults at the government, calling them names, comparing them to trash, and similar crap that shows that they don’t believe in the government officials’ potential to do better. The other group of protesters orderly stands outside the building and uses a microphone-and-speaker set to call out to the Head of State. The calmer group asks for the Head of State to come out, wishing for the government to listen to their bosses, the people, and understand their suffering. As the Head of State does not come out yet, each of the microphone-and-speaker set users speak stories about the problems that they’ve experienced recently because of foolish government actions. They do not express hatred for the people in the government, but they express their hatred for the government’s foolishness and corruption. They do not spew insults to the government officials, they do not call them demeaning names, they did not even do things like burning a papier-mâché mockery of the Head of State in the background.

Now, think of yourself being in the shoes of the apparently corrupt Head of State’s place. You are not corrupt, just unaware that there was something wrong going on in your government. Your security guards tell you of the two protester groups, and you decide to go outside to deal with it. You find out that one of the groups is being violent, complaining about the poverty and injustice that they have experienced for several recent hellish days while throwing insults at you and your fellow government officials and threatening to destroy your property if you don’t let them in and give them what they want. The other group looks at you with some calm, while one of the calm members speak of the mayor of their city who had ignored the masses’ pleas for help. The second group does not throw an insult at you. They express their disappointment towards how you and the government had handled the country, not the fact that you exist. They show and tell that they have lost some trust in you, but they also show and tell that they still have some faith in you and your potential for goodness. They are willing to let you explain your side in the matter.

Now, who do you, the Head of State, want to negotiate with?

If you ask me the above question, I’d like to say that I would only talk with the second group of protesters at that time, considering my personality. They’re respectful, and even though they show disappointment in how I and my government have handled things, they still have enough faith in me to be willing to negotiate with me. They only hate my sins, not the fact that I exist. As for the first group, I’d like to negotiate with them, but with how I am, I would have them be stopped by the guards and the police, because they’re looking down on me, and such a thing is not something that I or any normal person would want to be at the receiving end of. And even though I do not like and would not treat the insulters like how they treat me, since they can do better, and even though I feel like negotiating with both groups is a good idea, negotiating with them is something that is going to be really beyond my limit because their minds are being held by their understandable but still destructive wrath that I would rather stay away from as long as it’s there. It’s great that they showed up to protest and honestly tell me what’s wrong with the government, but such a violent group cannot be interacted with well unless someone with nerves tougher than mine helps me out in calming them down properly. The second group showed me how protesters against stupid governments should really be: non-violent, respectful towards people, and will not stand for any evil that the government does. Hm, I think I should ask the second group to help me deal with the first group…Friendship is freaking important…Friendship for the win…(FRIENDSHIP!)

So, do you understand the importance of style now? Leave a comment if you did, show me what you understand, and if you didn’t understand, leave a comment, still, while showing me what part of my writing made my point hard to understand.

And now, for all those who still don’t understand the importance of style after I tried using the past example (and because I feel like I should make a bigger move in stopping a certain family member’s stupid teaching style), how about something more realistic…I’ll take two recent experiences. One is my mother getting pissed at me because I had spent my time with gadgets a lot during mornings, leading me to neglect doing household chores. She found me using my smartphone, and then in her understandable rage towards my laziness (Seriously, who wouldn’t be pissed at someone being lazy in doing important stuff?), she tells me to get myself off the bed and go do household chores. Along with that, she starts raising her voice at me and repeatedly tells me that I’ve spent too much time with my gadgets, that I won’t be able to live well if I don’t make a habit out of doing household chores, that she and Dad had been working hard for us kids to go to school and stuff…blah blah blah…

Basically, I guess she wanted to tell me that I need to learn doing household chores so that I would be able to live well once I’m not living with my parents anymore, all while telling me that I’ve been doing wrong stuff and that I hadn’t been caring much about how other people feel.

I guess I haven’t been caring much about how other people feel with all my overly frequent gadget usage. Yeah, I’ve been a lazy idiot who had been forgetting to do chores. Doing household chores is definitely important, alright, ’cause if I don’t, I’d be a useless slab of fat, sad, rotten meat on the side of the road,

But why do I feel like Mom’s tone and diction were implying that I was freaking useless and incapable of improvement? Oh wait, I was emotionally messed up (because of several reasons that I wouldn’t bother explaining right now because my attempt to explain would most likely make this piece of writing really boring), and with that, my mind associates shouting even more to abusive people. She had good intentions, and her anger is understandable, but her style sucked while it was used on emotionally messed-up me. Yeah, time to be blunt. My mother’s aggressive teaching style sucks. Hard. Like, black-hole-level hard, especially on depressed people. It probably would have been a hilarious moment on television, a comic book, or a novel, with the socially awkward and lazy idiot son getting what he deserves via his mother’s angry shouting. It’s like that manzai thing, I think, but with a more short-tempered tsukkomi and a less stupid and more emotionally damaged boke. Maybe it would have been funny if you, dear reader, were just watching, and you weren’t the emotionally damaged son getting more damage.

Let’s see how funny you think it is when you’re in my shoes. How funny would it be to you, then?

With that, I’d like to say that I hate emotionally damaging people, even if some of you nuts out there think that there are people who deserve that. Fun fact: NO ONE LIKES BEING EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED. UNLESS YOU’RE A MASOCHIST. BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT THERE’S REALLY A WAY TO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGE MASOCHISTS, SO YEAH…I SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT SOME OTHER TIME…MY HEAD WILL EXPLODE IF I THINK ABOUT IT NOW…

And so, since I hate emotionally damaging people, I guess you’d see that what I hate about my troublesome mother is not her existence, but her stupid style. I wanna be miles away from that thing’s attack range, and then watch it blow up with a nuke of calmness and gentleness. Freaking nuts, that’s going to be awesome.

Ahhh…it’s refreshing to insult stupid styles. WAAAAAYYYYYYY better than insulting people, you know.

I suddenly feel like my tone and diction back there is insulting Mom’s existence, though…Oh well, let’s see her reaction later and see how to point out her faults to her while being respectful towards her existence. And make sure to ask Dad first about her reaction as well, you crazy bear. Or just ask her to send me a written response.

Oh, and speaking of Dad, the second recent experience, which followed that disastrous experience with Mom (that involved my failure in showing her that her tone and diction was insulting, which was followed by more anger from her and me locking myself and crying in the bathroom as I cleaned said hiding spot up), was my talking while walking with Dad. Dad just came home from doing running, a usual hobby of his, and I quickly came down the stairs when I heard his voice, feeling like a wave of relief was washing me. I approached him, quietly asked him to have a talk with just the two of us, and he gave an okay with a relaxed tone and a smile.

Some time later, the two of us were walking down sunlit streets during noontime, and I told Dad about the nightmarish scolding that Mom gave me. His tone did not include shouting. It was pretty relaxed, even if it had a decent amount of seriousness. His diction was pretty okay as well. The message he gave me about household chores and stuff was pretty much the same as what Mom wanted to tell me (Well, Dad did try to explain what Mom was trying to say to me through all her annoying ranting). If I hadn’t talked to Dad back then, this piece of writing would probably be filled to the brim with insults, or perhaps it wouldn’t even exist. And I might be unable to use my computer to write this, because I’d probably start feeling more paranoid towards Mom when I would try to use the computer.

And of course, if I hadn’t talked to Dad back then, I would be unable to learn more and remember more about how to interact properly with people. Freaking nuts, Dad is a freaking awesome role model.

I’ve had enough of being treated like I was crap, and I’ve had enough of treating other people like they were crap. I’ll show you all how to socialize properly, and feel free to give me feedback and help me as well, because I don’t think I can do this well alone. Make sure to not disrespect me, too, alright?

Facefarting

You know, I’m starting to think that crying is like farting. The fart that I just blew out of my butt-biter-bitten butt right before writing this got me thinking about that. I mean, look, you got some unnecessary gas somewhere in your digestive system, and as a part of the health maintenance system of the body, that stuff has got to go. So, that gas gets kicked out in one of three different ways: silent but deadly, loud and proud, or wet and wild. Ah, I remember the day when a certain high school homeroom teacher of mine introduced the three kinds of farts to the class…I think I laughed there…or maybe I didn’t ’cause I had a thick metal stick up my butt…

Oh wait, I’m flying away. I was gonna talk about crying being like farting. Oh, and I feel like that fart that I mentioned in the first paragraph was kinda wet an–TOO MUCH INFORMATION, YOU CRAZY BEAR! GET BACK TO THE TOPIC! Okay, okay, back to the topic, back to the topic, sorry…

Okay, crying is like farting. How? Let’s think about it.

First, crying and farting are usually considered stupid, annoying, and disgusting by people, especially if done inappropriately. Sometimes, they’re a big source of laughs. Crowds these days will usually stay away from you like you’re a serial killer or the plague when they smell your stink, hear your explosion, and/or see your stains. A person usually gets more flak when they fart, though, but hey, I think a person being caught crying usually gets the crying person around as much insults as one gets when they’re caught farting, ’cause it seems like a lot of people these days think that crying is a sign of weakness and that weakness is bad and makes a person worthless. If that’s how crying and farting are taken these days, then I’d like to say that it’s a sad reality. Why? Here’s the second reason behind crying being like farting:

Farting and crying work to defend the body. Without farting, you’re gonna get poisoned by the gases that pile up in your digestive system. Well, I guess that’s how it works, but hey, I think farting isn’t there for nothing! If the gases don’t go out of your body, where else will it stay but inside your system? What should the gases do but have a party in the digestive tract, where they will exert their strong pressure and scatter their chemicals? As for crying, the tears are meant to keep your eyes clean, and if humans do not have the ability to secrete tears, then humanity will become blind very quickly. Crying is usually done when a person feels a strong emotion–usually sadness, sometimes anger, rarely happiness. Let’s focus on the “letting sadness and anger out” aspect of crying. Have you ever felt really sad and/or angry that you wanted to cry, but you keep yourself from crying because you’ll get worse problems if you do so? I bet that you’ll feel even worse when you try not to let your sadness and/or anger out via crying. With that, I’ll talk about another thing that makes crying and farting similar.

Farting and crying are things that are hard to stop, especially when they need to do their work. They are things where they’ll win more often than lose in a battle of wills, and when their will does lose against your will, your health gets wrecked and your appointment with a worker from Death Central gets moved to an earlier schedule. How will preventing those two things wreck you? Well, I’ve talked about that in the previous paragraph.

Oh, and one more thing that makes crying and farting similar. They can be done without annoying people. Do them in the right place, the right time, and with the right person. Trustworthy people won’t mind much when you cry or fart.

And with that done, I’d like to say it again: Crying is like farting. Also, I’d like to say that crying is farting via the face, and farting is crying via the butt. Facefarting and buttcrying. Interesting comparison, huh?

I feel like you’re disgusted at the idea that I introduced, though. Maybe you’re laughing at the idea because it sounds stupid. I remember introducing this idea to a friend, and that friend did not like it. I feel like it is because farting sounds like something way more stupid than crying. Still, I like comparing crying to farting. With our imperfection, bad stuff is gonna pile up in our systems, and we’ll need to expel them properly. Gas is gonna build up in our digestive tract. Dirt will jump into our eyes. We’ll get slapped by despair. We’re going to have to expel those bad stuff properly, nutshellcrackers. Of course, kick the bad stuff out of your body without hurting other people.

Now, I’d like to do some facefarting. I’ve got a lot of despair messing me up right now, and I feel like it’s high time for me to kick that bad stuff out properly…

So, who’s willing to listen to me as I fart my face out?

Safety in a Scorching Smithy

Author’s Note: Talking about how memoirs should be written in Creative Writing 100 class today led to me remembering a certain teacher and a certain time, which then led me to writing this piece of nonfiction. Oh, and thanks very much for giving feedback on this, White_Shadow!


何度世界が眩んでも陽炎が嗤って奪い去る。
繰り返して何十年。もうとっくに気が付いていたろ。

こんなよくある話なら結末はきっと1つだけ。
繰り返した夏の日の向こう。


Once, there was a time when I was in something that was similar to the Japanese lyrics above, which is the bridge of the song called “Kagerou Daze.” Most of my days during high school were like repeats of a nightmarish and scorching August 14 and 15, where many things seemed like they wanted to kill me. There were times when I found the way out, only to find myself blacking out after getting wrecked by something I didn’t expect. Then, I would find myself waking up to another burning summer day filled with death.

Now, when I reached the point where it was like the bridge to the final chorus part of Jin-sensei’s breakthrough hit, I wanted to get out of the repeating days of being bullied and being pessimistic. With the help of certain caring people, such as my parents and that one doctor who dealt a big blow to my selfish and pessimistic mindset, I was able to do a feat that was similar to throwing myself in front of a speeding truck in order to save a friend who was about to get hit by said vehicle.

I reported a bully to Ma’am Julie.

And a killer truck never killed me after that. No deadly iron poles, no sudden slippery surface on a steep staircase, no traces of the sadistic image of the strict Filipino teacher/High School Department Assistant Principal for Student Affairs. Nothing harmful came to kill me. In fact, the bullying stopped!

Heh, if you were someone who had Ma’am Julie as a teacher, you’ll probably find what I’m about to talk about next very unbelievable. My batchmates and I first saw her as this really serious and really strict teacher who tended to fire harsh comments at any student who didn’t behave properly and any student who didn’t take their studies seriously. The homework that she gave seemed like extreme stunts all the time, and her presence was like a moving police car with gigantic warning lights on top to any misbehaving pupil. Eventually, while I was in my fourth year of high school, I ended up thinking that she was a sadistic teacher.

And then I found out that she was actually very nicer than expected.

So, about how I discovered how nice Ma’am Julie was…from what I remember, it happened during the morning break of a certain day during the fourth quarter of my fourth year of high school. I came out of the classroom after an Electronics class, worried about the really clear act of bullying that a fellow classmate did to me during that class. Back then, I wasn’t actually bullied as much as I thought. I was bullied during high school, yes, but my pessimism had been exaggerating the gravity of the bullying that was being done to me. Now, during that time of my fourth year high schooler life, I understood that if someone else was being bullied and if they don’t want to be helped in reporting the bullies, I shouldn’t be forcing them into reporting the bullies, ’cause it’s freaking disrespectful to make someone do something that’s against their will. I also understood that if a bully was aiming their bullying at me, I should be reporting it to the proper authority.

I knew that a fellow classmate was calling me insulting names. I knew that he attempted to snatch my lunch bag from me. I knew that he was forcing me into giving him a piece of pad paper, and I knew that he angrily asked me to eat pad paper after I didn’t give him a piece of pad paper.

I knew that the bullying had to stop, and I knew that I had to report the problem to Ma’am Julie as soon as possible. So, as the morning break was nearing its end, I stood in front of her office, nervously walking around. I think I heard “Saint John Bosco, Our Loving Father” loudly play through the speakers while I moved my gaze back and forth between the door to the small room and the towering beige building across the road, but I didn’t let being late be an overblown problem to me. Sure, I might miss some valuable lesson time…Sure, some classmates would question me about why I was late…but right next to me was a shining opportunity!

And I took it.

She was in the office, which I knew before I even entered because of the door having a transparent glass window. I don’t remember the exact words of the conversation that we had back then, but I do remember the emotions and actions.

I was nervous as I entered the air-conditioned room.

She let me in with an attitude that was far from the scorching smithy that she was in the classroom.

I told her about the bully, and my voice had moments of haziness again.

She gave me an incident report sheet, and when she asked me to speak more clearly, no insults were fired.

I tried to do my best in writing the report, making sure that my facts were clear and making sure that I didn’t withhold and/or exaggerate any facts.

She took the paper once I was done, and she assured me that the problem will be dealt with.

I left Ma’am Julie’s office and went back to my classroom, feeling relieved and thankful.

Perhaps the memories that I wrote down here might have inconsistencies if it were compared to what really happened, but long story short: There was a bully, I reported him to Ma’am Julie, the bully was dealt with, the bully stopped bullying me (to the point that he was scared of me thinking that his further attempts to socialize with me were acts of bullying), and Ma’am Julie didn’t seem like a sadistic teacher in my eyes anymore. Yeah, she still had the air of a scorching smithy while I finished my high school years, but she didn’t seem as scorching as I imagined back then. Her roughness in dealing with struggling students isn’t something I’d be imitating, honestly, but I eventually understood that she has good intentions behind that tough teaching style. If my past self had the level of calmness and optimism that I have right now, then I may have learned so much more from her Filipino classes.

Anyway, that time…that time when I reported a bully to Ma’am Julie…It gave me hope, and I don’t think I’d be as optimistic as I am today if I never experienced that. From a “Heat-Haze Daze” filled with pessimism, I got out with the help of a “snake with optimistic eyes.” Well, the Snake of Optimistic Eyes isn’t a part of the Heat-Haze Daze construction set, and it probably doesn’t exist in the Kagerou Project, but you can only get out of the freaking Daze by having a snake with an eye power. And that “snake…” that “snake” which was filled with the all the love and care that my parents, teachers, and all those precious people who helped me out…it helped me get out of the “Heat-Haze Daze” that I was stuck in for several years.

You’re a part of that “snake with optimistic eyes,” Ma’am Julie, and I thank you very much for helping in making my life better.

Now, I’d like to be a part of a “Snake of Optimistic Eyes” that would reach out to anyone stuck in a “Heat-Haze Daze” as well.


文句ありげな陽炎に「ざまぁみろよ」って笑ったら

実によく在る夏の日のこと。
そんな何かがここで終わった。

I Want to Find and Spread Objective Truth for the Sake of Finding and Spreading True Happiness

The title of this post is long, but it sums up why I seek the truth. Oh, and by truth, I mean objective truth. Not truth that I accept just because popular opinion thinks that it’s truth. By the way, I hope your brain can handle a roller coaster ride through this presentation of my thoughts, dear reader.

This is probably gonna feel like the time when I read a text, which was for Art Studies 1 lesson, about the meaning of art, which happened yesterday. You’ll probably go “What?” at some times, and if you’re a practicing Roman Catholic like me, you’ll probably go “God, I’m confused, please help me” with a genuinely serious tone at some times as well. I do acknowledge the possibility of someone taking it calmly, though. Maybe medievalotaku can help me keep calm in this quest as well. Anyway…

I’ll talk about that text which talked about the meaning of art. Based on my efforts to understand the really academic text (Honestly, I like it better if the facts are delivered in easily understandable terms.), I seemed to have read a part (the first part, that is) of the text that said that the word “art” is something that a bunch of selfish nuts decided to make and use in order to gain power and control over society, and that the word “art” ended up becoming a term that them selfish nuts attached to stuff that fit their warped perspectives.

And then I ended up asking a question while the sound of thunder roared as thunderstorm clouds gathered in my mind.

WHAT IS ART?

So, yeah, while I was under the thunderstorm of confusion, I looked at the definitions of the word “art” in the Merriam-Webster dictionary app in my phone. I looked up the one that was suited for what I wanted to do in life (You know, art, as in for creative works.), and I found this:

: something that is created with imagination and skill and that is beautiful or that expresses important ideas or feelings

Okay, now, amidst the thunderstorm in my mind, I ended up reading some more parts of the first part, where it said that art is something that is willingly made by the artist and is an expression of what the artist really feels, something that is not a symbol of political or religious authority, something that is not meant to be used as propaganda, and something that is not meant to be used for routine purposes such as urinating.

Hmm…I wonder if thunderstorm clouds are already gathering in your mind after reading that previous paragraph.

Anyway, I would agree that art is definitely something that is willingly made by the artist, and that it’s a form of self-expression. Hmm…can self-expression be considered routine, though? Agh, I feel like I’m losing grasp on what art really is again…

Ah, and I guess that predicament of mine is an example of the troubles a truth seeker encounters. Words get twisted, like how them selfish nuts decided to control society’s perception of art into their selfish perspectives. Damn you, fog of lies. Also, I now feel like wanting to buy a PS Vita and Persona 4: Golden more quickly.

Anyway, I’m now wondering about what the true meaning of art is. This self-expression that I do in this post, the self-expression that I do in my fictional worlds…I wonder if they are art? I read that the word “art” was first used centuries ago and not a thousands of years ago. Now, the word “art” is attached to the simple act of drawing and a bunch of other stuff that’s really getting my mind more violently rainy.

God, I’m confused. Please help me.

Okay, after reading the second part of the text, which talked about how society should free itself from the grasp of them selfish nuts who do selfish things like twisting the perception of art into their selfish perspectives, I ended up reading about some thoughts regarding how art should be something that is free for everyone to perceive and make. I wonder if that’s what the author wanted to say, though. Ah, my humanity reveals its weaknesses yet again.

Being a truth seeker is tough. Please help me, God.

Well, during that storm, I ended up forming some definition of art based on several personal observations that I’ve made throughout my life. Art is a form of self-expression that fully comes from its creator. I think it was something like that. And as I thought about art and science, I looked up the meaning of “science” in the dictionary app in my phone, and I thought: There is art in science, and there is science in art. I wonder if it makes sense?

Heh, and then the day after I read that reading, which is today, I learned about language being used to control society.

Okay, I’ll use that uncomfortable learning experience in Fil 40 class as a stepping stone in my quest to seek and spread objective truth and true happiness. I–No, we need to clear the fog of lies and find the truth. By the way, I think that our desire for truth is something that we humans naturally have, considering how kids want to know more about the world and how the number of truth seekers in the world still hasn’t hit zero ever since the start of humanity’s existence. Ah, I’m guessing that there are a bunch of ignored people who sought the truth but remained in the shadows of history, too.

Ah, God, please help me.

And you know what, I feel like it’s too early for me to be thinking heavily like this. Step by step…step by step, you crazy bear. I’m just a 17-year-old college kid (Old educational system here in the Philippines has kids going to college after 10 years of basic education, which means kids are usually 16-years-old when they enter college), and a lot of people probably wouldn’t care about ramblings about thoughts on the meaning of art, seeing all the chaos happening in the world.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t be worrying too much about stuff like the meaning of art right now. I should focus on tearing selfishness and apathy apart first. The world needs more brave and kind people, and I want to be such a person and promote the beauty of goodness. As I do so, I should search and spread the truth carefully and clearly. No need to hurry. No need to rush. Just do your best, have fun, keep calm, and look at the bright side. You’ll learn the whole truth eventually. Oh, and don’t forget…

Friendship for the win. ^_^

Also, God…I shall ask you this again and again…please help me.