Assurance Balance

“You are not a kid anymore!!!”

“You are an adult!”

“The assurance will come within you!”

“Not [from] us…we will just support you! We will handle you appropriately!”

Those were pretty much my dad’s text message replies to when I whined to him about me needing lots of assurance from other people. I thought that they were some stupid replies at first, but I remembered what two friends told me yesterday, especially that one stinging but reinforcing scolding that I won’t bother quoting here, ’cause I think that the details of that conversation should just remain between to of us. Anyway, with those and me staying and reflecting alone in my rented bedspace in my university, I realized that the assurance from myself and the assurance from others should be balanced. And I think I’m feeling a feeling similar to what I felt when that one doctor told me that I have control over myself, and said feeling is the feeling which is like some kid knowing that “Freaking nuts, I have superpowers!”

Perhaps I’ve been blaming others, especially my parents, too much. In my country, I’m already of legal age, and Mom and Dad know that they’ll have to let me go someday. And I should know that I’ll have to let go of my parents someday as well. I guess all those orders that they want me to follow are made by them worrying too much, though. And me getting pissed off so much at their orders, perhaps that happened because of me having a conflict between following all of my parents’ orders to the letter and following more of my own thoughts. Seriously, they’re not even as abusive as I think they are! If they were, I probably would have reluctantly taken some mostly boring course that my parents want me to take!

I guess my parents are just worrying. Maybe a little too much. I think it’s understandable. If I had a kid of my own, and they look like they’re going down a dangerous path, I’d worry as well. But hey, when a kid’s already going to reach the age of adulthood, the parents gotta get ready to let them go…unless the kid’s somebody like my youngest brother. He’s still in special education, and we, his fellow family members, hope that he’ll be mentally and socially capable enough when he reaches the age of adulthood. Otherwise…more special education ’til he’s capable enough.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve been underestimating myself and attaching to others too much lately. Sure, I’m failing school, and I’ll probably have to drop a bunch of subjects until there’s one subject left (which is duckpin bowling class–freaking nuts, that’s my favorite class this semester, hahaha!) before next Monday, and maybe I’ll end up getting fives in certain subjects that I don’t properly drop on time, but hey now, Tobby. You won’t reach a hellish end if you don’t do something to get yourself back up when you stumble and fall. Sure, I may lose that scholarship, my parents would be having a harder time financially, but what can we do? Why not look for what we can do? You fail stuff, Mom and Dad will have to deal with it, and you’ll have to deal with it. They will probably scream and rant (especially Mom–you know how she usually works), but we can’t change the past. We can only learn from it. And we can drown in despair with it, but we hate despair, so yeah, that choice will definitely be kicked out of our backup plan list. When there’s a will, there’s way, brickstick. And you gotta remember that other people have limits as well.

And you gotta remember, you’re already at the hangar of your life, doing flight simulations or something or just flying short distances with those little armwings and backwings of yours. Crashing’s gonna be normal, have optimism, have a support crew (although there may be times you’ll have to fly alone, but hey, you won’t have to fly alone all the time), learn from the crashes you experience, and you know, things will have a higher chance of going well. Like one friend of yours said: “You will be good, my chicken” or something. Your support crew can and will move, so get moving as well, you crazy chicken-duck-bear-whatever-thing-you-pretend-to-be-when-you’re-actually-human.

So, I guess Heartbroken Loner Tobby ends here. Maybe for now. Life’s gonna be a rocky road, and maybe I’ll be filling this series up again some other time.

And as for you, dear reader. Learn from this idiot. If you think I’m so great that I can qualify as a god or some divine entity, forget doing that. I’m just a human being. Being God is way too much for my brain. It’s only God who can be God, and I’m still looking forward to meeting Him in person, but now’s not the time for me to meet Him, and I haven’t fulfilled so many requirements for me to meet Him. I’ve got things I need to do, and I can’t do them alone. So, dear imperfect reader, learn from this imperfect dude. Don’t just learn from my good experiences. Learn from the bad experiences as well, and learn what to do and what not to do from both sorts of experiences. If I ever become great, become famous, and die famous and happily, I’d like my faults to be remembered as well, and not just my achievements. Remember both my achievements and failures. I’d like to be remembered as a human, so that any other human who thinks that they can’t be great (I think that painting celebrities as unreachable or all-powerful beings are one of the diseases that has been lowering many people’s self-esteem) will be inspired into overcoming the challenges of life and improving themselves into greater people.

Welp, gotta deal with a bunch of mistakes and failures soon. See you again in the den, nutshellcrackers! ^_^

AND TAKE FLIGHT, CHICKEN-DUCK-BEAR-WHATEVER-HUMAN! WHOO-HOO! WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!

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Sniper-Style Self-Help

Help myself.

If I want to be helped by others, I must do my best in helping myself. If I reach my limits, then I must call for help.

And I am the only human who pretty much knows my limits best. Other people can know my limits, but it’s not like they can know everything about me. They have perspectives of their own, and their perspectives have limits as well, making them blind or confused towards certain aspects of me. In order for me and other people to improve, sharing our different perspectives is important. It’s like a role-playing game, us units have different stats and classes, one unit can only go so far, one class can only go so far, and a united group of many units with varied classes can probably reach outer space or another dimension.

As for why I’m talking about something like that right now, I honestly feel pissed. And nervous. I’ve been asked to do my best at school right now. I’ve tried, but the nagging feeling of anxiety seems to be chewing away on my mind more vigorously now. I’ve been asked to help myself. Yes, I am trying to help myself. I don’t think going to a class or talking to my parents about my current troubles face-to-face is something good for my sanity right now, so that’s why I’m not considering those things help. This, what I’m doing, this writing, is what I think is the best help I can give to myself right now.

If I were a unit in a game like Valkyria Chronicles, I’d be the sniper, confronting enemies from a distance and from the shadows. I’m pretty squishy, and I don’t think I can move so far with the equipment that I have, unlike the shocktroopers with their machine guns and tougher armor and bodies, or the armored…uh, whatever those units are with those big weird axe things and shields, I forgot what they were called…Anyway, in dealing with my current personal troubles, I’m doing it sniper-style. I’ll shoot messages to the right people and make sure that I interact with them from a distance. Right now, I feel like I’m dealing with the problems better when alone, which is pretty bad, if you ask me. I should be dealing with my problems with the help of other units, especially the ones from other classes, or else I won’t be able to get better. I’ve been receiving backup, but if you ask me, I haven’t been receiving enough backup. Again, snipers are usually squishy. Also, leaving any unit behind alone, thinking that they can fend against everything, is freaking stupid. The backup that I’ve been receiving from friends and other nice people in the Internet has me up at night and at the computer more lately. As for the backup at home, I feel like they’re expecting too much from me. They’re pretty good with being in the frontlines, though there are things that they can do that are pretty tough for me, a squishy guy who works best from a distance, to learn. Yeah, every unit has skills that are tough for them to learn, along with skills that are easy for them to learn. For the improvement of everyone, synergy is important. Gotta learn what to do and what not do in improving ourselves through understanding the differences among the units.

Now, even if a certain someone would ask me to go to school in the following days and try to finish it properly, my sniper class and my current status problem (which is holding me back from mixing well with other people, especially ones I don’t know much, face-to-face) will hold me back unless I’m assured that I am adequately backed-up (especially with the medics and those people with the big shields, ’cause I am in freaking great need of them right now) and that I can safely maneuver around (scouts, help me!). And I’m sorry to say this, commanders (you’re family member of mine, by the way, commanders), but I cannot go on with school properly in the coming days. This is pretty much the farthest I can stretch myself out right now. I’m sorry, but I’ll need to retreat. We’ll need to regroup and devise a better strategy, though I don’t know if you’ll ever like that idea. You wouldn’t want your own son to get killed horribly in battle, right? Yes, I know that I’d probably lose you two someday and that I’ll have to fend for myself, but not all your preferred battle methods can work well with the units in our team, and life is not something that’s supposed to be lived with me just relying on myself. If I don’t show you a good reason to consider my suggestions, I don’t think you’d be willing to help me, so I’ll try to let me and my writing here do the convincing. I’ll shoot you a message, faraway from home, from the depths of the electronic sea. I could go to the guidance counselor, but it’s not like he’s at his office all the time, and you know how I feel right now about interacting with people face-to-face, especially if said people are strangers and acquaintances to me.

Sorry to disappoint, but I’m at my limit already. Call me pathetic for not being the son you expect me to be right now, but just like you, I have my limits. I need your help. I want to cry for help, but would you really want to look and listen to me farting my face out?

Sorry. Sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I can do better. But helping me get back up…helping anyone get back up…it’s always going to be a challenge. So please…don’t be careless. Consider the statuses of the units and the condition of the battlefield before issuing orders.

This is probably going to get you feeling really hurt, but I strongly feel that I should tell you this. Why would this be in the Internet, though? Well, I think you can blame that on my disturbingly wavering faith in you. If I can’t get help from you, then Plan B will be asking for help from the people worth asking for help in the Internet.

I’m sorry, Mom and Dad.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.


Previous Part: A Time When My Family Expects Too Much From Me

Next Part:

A Time When My Family Expects Too Much From Me

I can be awesome. Yes, I know that.

But the fact that humans will make a mistake and experience failure at least once in life should be remembered. That fact must be remembered.

Why am I talking about that, anyway? Well, it’s because I really feel like some of my family members have been expecting too much from weakened and mentally messed-up me lately. Trying to make friends in school would be a good idea if I didn’t feel like so many people would send me to Hell if I made one little mistake in front of them. Trying to keep on going to school would be a good idea if I had someone interested and available to talk about my lessons with outside of classes. Trying to take care of my youngest brother would be a good idea if I had enough patience and if I could understand more than half of what he’s saying and doing. Trying to go to sleep at night would be a good idea if I have at least one friend that I can talk with a lot while being in the same time zone as me. Trying for more than one week for an appointment with a psychologist, all while I try to go to school and do schoolwork during the wait, would be a good idea if I didn’t need to go to the psychologist.

If my family were reading this, I feel like I’ll be considered the black sheep of the family, a black sheep that’s blacker than my two brothers. The blackest sheep in the family. The one they couldn’t understand. The one that couldn’t follow their expectations to the letter. The one that should be like Shuuya Kano–following orders, thinking that I’ll be getting love from family members if I do everything they say, even if some of the things that I must follow will tear my sanity to pieces. The one that will be thrown away and cut off from family support because I did not want to follow some of their orders. The one that will be left to rot in the shadows of the world because I couldn’t live up to their expectations.

Honestly, I feel like my family is expecting too much from me right now. What a disappointment, huh? I wonder what they’re gonna do about it? If they do kick me out of the house, I’ll need to scream for help in the Internet. If they don’t yet still expect too much from me, I’ll still need to scream for help in the Internet. Seeing me like this will definitely hurt them. I don’t want to be like this, but I’m not perfect. No mortal is perfect. I can be awesome, but humans will make a mistake and experience failure at least once in life.

If my family feels like they can’t help me, well, I won’t force them to help me. I’ll try to find a way to get out of this pit, because despair is one of my archenemies, and I like being optimistic. And it’s not like I’m not really likely to cry if they’re unable to help me. It’s sad, knowing that someone who’s supposed to be taking care of me well is unable to help me. I believe that they can do better, but forcing them into becoming better is freaking stupid. If they think that my pleas for help are not worth listening to, well, I’ll try to convince that they are worth listening to, but forcing them (example: threatening them with physical violence) won’t ever truly convince them.

*sigh* I wish that my family would listen to me right now.

Anyway, it’s probably going to give them a lot of hurt, but I’ll need to tell my family, especially my parents, about my troubles and weaknesses as soon as possible, before things go even worse because of neglect. Knowing their weaknesses is probably going to get me feeling hurt as well, but I gotta know. Knowing the problems, knowing the difficulties, knowing the weaknesses…they’re important in improving ourselves. I don’t think I would’ve reached the level of friendship that I have with one of my close friends right now if I didn’t bother to understand her weaknesses and problems.

And now, I’ll try to say what I need to say here:

I don’t feel motivated enough to go to school right now. Combined with a lack of the physical presences of friends nearby, going to school and trying to do schoolwork are really really hard to manage. I don’t feel confident enough in my own parents and my siblings and even my relatives nearby. I believe that they can help me, but there’s this nagging feeling inside me that tells me that they’ll always come up short. A lot of my trust is put on my friends who I interact with a lot on the Internet (because they live physically far away from me), and when I get the chance to have a nice conversation with them, I’m really clingy to interacting with them to the point that I’d spend more hours awake at night, and since I’ve been getting genuine support from them, I feel even more annoyed when any viable means of interacting with them are being taken away from me. Doing stuff like schoolwork feels pointless to me right now, because I feel like doing schoolwork is so pointless when I have no friends and family who are able, interested, and available to listen to the stuff I learn and to understand the stuff that I need to do at school. I’m really really nervous as the school days are coming again, and I feel like I’m being sent to a deeper pit of despair. It also sucks to have no family and friends nearby who are really interested in the stuff that I like to do, such as watching Let’s Plays of my favorite Let’s Players or listening to the music of my favorite artists. I can do chores, but being left behind to take care of my youngest brother feels like putting me in torture. I can find friends at school, yeah, and I can find friends in lots of places, but I feel so anxious right now that trying to find friends at school sounds really stupid.

And right now, the song that seems to match my mood is Giga-san and Suzumu-sensei’s “Undead Enemy.”

Maybe I should just leave this message to my parents only, but to be honest, my faith in them is disturbingly low right now. I’ll leave this piece of writing in here, in case my parents find themselves unable to help me during this time of trouble that I’m in.


Previous Part: Shuuya Kano Imitations

Next Part: Sniper-Style Self-Help

Shuuya Kano Imitations

I feel like I’ve been doing something I really hate lately. Seems like I was in denial about it for a long while now, too. But I looked at myself and what I’ve been doing lately, and I was reminded of the Kagerou Project’s Shuuya Kano and certain habits of his:

Lying. Hiding emotions that should be let out. Following orders even if they hurt me so that I’d still be cared for by the ones giving the orders. Trying to act all cool and calm and funny and energetic, all while actually feeling hurt on the inside.

My parents once told me that people won’t approach me if I don’t smile. I guess they have a point, but it’s not like a person can smile all the time. And even if a person would be not smiling, there’s still a chance of someone approaching them for stuff like forming friendships. But still, I’ve been trying to follow their advice, because I felt like they have a point when I remembered why I like certain fictional characters, but my humanity reminds me that I can’t smile all the time. Yet I try to resist it, because a lot of people, probably including my parents, hate seeing people being imperfect.

If you’re going to force me to smile when I feel like not smiling, you really won’t be getting a genuine smile from me. You’ll just be getting an imitation of Shuuya Kano with Deceiving Eyes on, and you’ll see what I’m really feeling when I feel enough pain. I guess Jin-sensei understands how a liar usually spills out the truth, huh?

I wish I had someone like Kousuke Seto as a friend or even a brother. He’s a dork, but he’s a freaking kind guy. He’s not the sort who would force his help to other people (if he were that sort of person, he’d be more likely to use his eye power, Stealing Eyes, on people), and he probably won’t hesitate to talk with me and give a hug if I were to ask him to talk with me and give me a hug.

But right now, there’s no one physically near me who would act like Kousuke Seto. This paranoia within me that seems like social anxiety (I hope I can go to the doctor sooner, ’cause it hurts so much) isn’t helping as well in my search for such a person. Oh well, at least the people who are physically near me lately seem to be pretty honest about themselves. Helps me decide where to look for shoulders to cry on. That’s why I’m spending more of my time here. That’s why I’m sneakily posting my thoughts here, even if I don’t have enough sleep, because I want someone to listen to me and be patient with me and treat me like how I like to treat people. I want to be interacted with with optimism, with the belief that I can be better despite being imperfect, that I am not someone who should immediately be left behind when I make a mistake. That’s why I feel sad when I’m unable to help a sad person. You think I shouldn’t care about sad people? Well, let me try to ask you: Are you trying to ask me to kill myself? Because not having friends (and by friends, I don’t mean the two-faced, ass-kissing sort–those aren’t genuine friends) kills people slowly and painfully. It hurts me as much as it hurts them.

And I still try to imitate Shuuya Kano, because we humans are so stupid that we think that we shouldn’t be approaching people who aren’t smiling, that we should be avoiding them like they were the plague.

Oh well, I look forward to the pain that will make me spill tears in front of my family and friends. I think a facefart is currently long overdue for me again already.

So, who’s willing to accept the ugly truth behind the mask of this Shuuya Kano imitation, let me cry on their shoulder, give me a hug, understand how I think, and help me become a better person? I’m sure that there’s at least one person like that out there, and I’ll probably be wearing this stupid mask until I find that person.

And I’m sure glad that my mask is cracked. I really hate lying, you know.


Previous Part: Tinderbox Tobby

Next Part: A Time When My Family Expects Too Much From Me

 

Tinderbox Tobby

Meet Tinderbox Tobby. He’s also insane, like regular Tobby. The differences?

AAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

The above sentence is Tinderbox Tobby’s catchphrase.

Also, Tinderbox Tobby’s insanity is the bad sort of insanity. Like, insanity at its normal state, and not the weird, soul-uplifting insanity that regular Tobby likes to uphold. Tinderbox Tobby is the sort of Tobby you’ll usually find when he doesn’t have friends that he hangs out with in the outside world, when his bad time management and bad stress coping skills eat his butt out, or, in the current situation, when his desire for friendship clashes with what seems to be his social anxiety disorder–I WANNA GO THE DOCTOR SOON AAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Well, at least Tinderbox Tobby has a desire to get out of being Tinderbox Tobby. That’s another trait of Tinderbox Tobby. He stupidly promotes bad insanity, but at the same time, he hates the very thing he promotes. So it’s not surprising that Tinderbox Tobby also targets himself in his AAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Yeah, he just blew himself up there again. I blew myself up there again. I think I blew myself up several times in several situations today. Most of them are not very noticeable at first, such as when I think of not going to school even though my attendance records are in freaking danger, or when I think of writing stuff or making song covers even though I need to sleep soon, or when I have a stronger urge to scream inside my room and break some objects. I really wanna scream, cry, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Being Tinderbox Tobby is suffering, indeed, and I want to get out of being Tinderbox Tobby properly soon.

But it’s gonna be weeks before I go to the doctor to consult about my condition, and even though it’s just a few weeks, those feel so long and those feel so AAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

I wish I could just stay at home and make some song covers and stories. I wish I could go to the doctor soon. I wish I could cry to someone trustworthy without feeling like they’re not trustworthy. I wish I could face my parents without feeling like they’re going to demean me even though they don’t really intend to demean me. I wish I could just express myself more without feeling like trash AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

What to sing for the first Tinderbox Tobby song cover series…hmm…Neru-sensei’s “Jinsei wa Hoeru,” Jin-sensei’s “Summertime Record” and “Jinzou Enemy,” Mikito-P’s “Akaito” again, Suzumu-sensei’s “Shinzou Connect,” Mafumafu-sensei’s “Yuugure Semi Nikki”…I WANNA MAKE SONG COVERS RIGHT NOW AAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Oh yeah, I think I should be defining what a tinderbox is to people who don’t know! Hm, yeah, why did I call this current self of mine “Tinderbox Tobby”? So, tinderbox. I’ve heard about tinderboxes before from watching Let’s Plays of that horror game, Amnesia. And I stumbled upon the meanings of the word “tinderbox” after finding the word in the synonyms for “breaking point.” According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary mobile app…a tinderbox is “a box that holds material that can be used to start a fire easily,” “a container for tinder,” “a structure that would burn very quickly if it caught on fire,” and “a place or situation that could suddenly become very violent.” So, yeah.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Tinderbox Tobby, yo. Handle with care, please. I’m very fragile right now. I try not to show it so that you won’t be pissed, and so that I won’t need to see you be pissed, which is annoying. But I hate dishonesty, so AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Welp, another day of suffering awaits. I dunno whether I should fight it or just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOM!

Alright, time to shut up.


Previous Part: Trying to Understand the Heartbroken Around Me

Next Part: Shuuya Kano Imitations

Trying to Understand the Heartbroken Around Me

When I think about my previous post about being a heartbroken loner and stuff, I feel like I was kind of an idiot there. I mean, when I think about it, there’s always a reason behind single people thinking that they can’t find love anymore when they get rejected by someone they like romantically. For every effect, there’s a cause. For every tear, there’s a tearjerker nearby. For every laugh, there’s something hilarious nearby. For every heartbroken nut, there’s something that breaks a heart nearby.

And in the experiences that I’ve been through for so many days, I’ve also realized that effects can also have a complex of causes, lines that intersected and stuck to each other as they were spun by multiple figurative spiders. Oh, and speaking of spiders and webs, I do feel like a fly among flies caught by really bad and really hungry spiders. Hm, maybe really poisonous spiders would be a more appropriate comparison to the problems we heartbroken nuts are experiencing. And now, I think I’ll begin turning the rambling I usually do in my mind into text here.

Why would many single people think that they pretty much have no more hope that they can get in their lives when their crushes reject them? To reach that sort of idiocy level…I bet that there’s something really bad going on for a really long while now…mental and social poisons injected and slowly creeping into the minds of humanity…and then further worsened by more stupidity prevailing these days. Lack of proper parental guidance? Trashy mainstream media promotions? It’s a web of poison, and I guess killing the annoying factors (and we won’t need to include people in the ones we need to kill) would keep the poisons from messing us up even further. Friendship, that’s really important. It’s gonna be hard to help us heartbroken nuts if we don’t work to build friendships. No, I’m not talking about that “friendship” where you kiss people’s asses and their stupidities. We’re talking about the stupidity-killing, happiness-gaining kind of friendship. And I think popular literature these days are forgetting to promote that sort of friendship. And when I look at the news, I see lots of news about murder, terrorism, corruption in the government, and showbiz gossip. That fourth thing that I see on the news that I mentioned in the previous sentence, I consider that a figurative poisonous spider. Sure, knowing about bad stuff can keep people awake against bad stuff, but we gotta strike a balance. I guess I’ll thank the heartwarming news as well, then. But we need to know how to act as well. We need to know how to properly fight against the stupidity we see in the news a lot. I guess that’s why I like hanging out in the Internet, with my favorite artworks, and with them awesome people (who I get nice advice from a lot in the Internet more than in traditional media)–because I find a lot of concrete ways to deal with all that bad stuff way more than just watching the news on TV, on the radio, and on the newspaper. I guess that’s why I’ve found so much fun in studying in my high school Alma Mater and in the University of the Philippines, too, even if I’m being messed up by fear of socializing while I studied. Friendship was promoted. Optimism was promoted. Oh yeah, optimism! That should be promoted as well. It’s not like we shouldn’t forget about the bad stuff, though. We should remember that we can get better, that when there’s a will, there’s a way.

Hold on, wasn’t I supposed to think about why exactly so many single people feel like they have no more hope that they can get in life when they’re rejected by their crushes? Hm, let’s think about it…maybe it’s because people think that love is just sexual? If you ask me, love isn’t exactly what you feel when you’re turned on (sexually, if you didn’t get what I mean). I’d be calling friendship love as well if so many people don’t go thinking that I’m romantically attracted to someone if I told them “I love you.” Well, I guess I’ll have to settle with saying “I love you as a friend” if I want to express my friendly love to someone in words.

I wonder if you understood what I’m talking about, though…Anyway, I think you should think about it as well. Think about why so many single people these days (and in the past centuries also, ’cause it seems like it’s not just this time period that’s affected) feel like living is pointless when they get rejected by their crushes and stuff. And if you feel heartbroken, remember that there’s a heartbroken nut here who’s fine with trying to help you in healing your heart. And if you know of a way that I can help heartbroken people better, please tell me about it. I’ll really really need it, indeed. ^_^


Previous Part: Heartbroken Loner

Next Part: Tinderbox Tobby

Heartbroken Loner

Heartbreak. That’s a word I usually hear when someone gets rejected by someone who is desired to be a romantic partner.

When I see that word–heartbreak–used that way, though…it is annoying and maddening. That thing most people today call “heartbreak” when one gets rejected in being a part of a romantic couple by a crush, when a crush prefers to stay friends with you temporarily or maybe even for the rest of your lives…I think that’s simply uncontrolled hormones messing people’s brains up, unfulfilled lust poisoning minds of those who don’t quite know the difference between love and infatuation. What most people these days call “heartbreak,” I think it’s bad to have that, but what I consider heartbreak feels worse than that.

It’s when people shun me, put me down, believe that I am a pointless and unimprovable existence, and/or keep a knife pointed at my neck and a gun pointed at my head (literally and/or figuratively) that is truly heartbreaking.

I don’t really mind (though my lust would probably mind, and lust trying to mess up my brain is a freaking annoying thing, so feel free to do something to kill it, nutshellcrackers) if I don’t get a girlfriend quickly. In fact, I think having a lover, getting married, and having a great romantic relationship are things that are built on friendship. If there’s no friendship, no respect between the two, then don’t even expect a romantic relationship between them to ever go well. It’s going to be like a car with no brakes on, while lust fuels the engine and leads the car to doom. I’ll have to have lots of patience before I get to something like finding the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with and is willing to spend the rest of her life with me.

So yeah, no friendship, no romantic relationship. No friendship, no happy life as well. One can’t live life happily without friendship. Humans weren’t built to live their lives independently and isolated from each other, you know.

That’s why it hurts when I don’t have friends, and with that, it hurts even more when it feels like someone does not find me worthy of being a friend, when someone I want to be friends with shuns me and my existence, when someone I want to be friends with treats me like I’m a faceless and useless being or a machine that is only meant to be used for stupid goals. I won’t force people to be friends with me, because no one ever gets friends that way. But still, it hurts to be at the receiving end of hatred.

That’s why I hate putting people down. That’s why I hate living like a ninja or an assassin. That’s why I hate working for that trashy system of corporate machines and mainstream media studios these days.

Hate my sins. That’s alright, and I’ll encourage that. But don’t ever hate my existence or anyone else’s existence. Even if you do hate my existence, though, I’ll never hate yours (and I’ll always hate hating people’s existences), for your existence and everyone else’s existences do not deserve hatred. If you’re wondering why I don’t think human existences don’t deserve hatred, then I’d like to say that we all have potential for awesomeness. Seeing people do good things like giving moral support to other people is enough reason for me to have faith in humanity, and even if so many horrible acts are being done by humans these days, I won’t ever let my faith in humanity die.

Still, it doesn’t quite take away the pain I feel when I’m shunned, rejected, and dehumanized.

Sure, I can make friends (like everyone else) and I may seem like I have a lot of opportunities to form friendships, but I’m not perfect. I have my limits, just like everyone else. In this current age and with all its many stupid trends and cultures, I find it hard to stick close to people and put my trust in them. I do believe that they can be better, but hazes of lies are making my search for great friendships tough. Self-reminder: Lying is freaking bad.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to face the pain, but not without doing anything to fight it and the scourge causing it. I should only do my best, though, not force myself into a sad death. I gotta find someone kind, someone who would stick with me and really knows how to be a good person, so that I keep on surviving happily. I wish I could I find one soon, though…I guess that’s why I’m here in the Internet: because I don’t think I’ll be able to survive in trying to make friends outside of the Internet before I lose my grip on my sanity and then wreck society even further.

I’m introverted, yes, but I’m mostly introverted, to be exact. And I hate being a heartbroken loner. And it hurts, having not much friends near me, talking with me, listening to me, helping me out right now. I know that they have limits as well, but feeling alone still hurts, and I think I may be reaching my limits already…

I guess that’s a reason behind me liking that song, Marry no Kakuu Sekai, so much.

sleeping marry kozakuraNext Part: Trying to Understand the Heartbroken Around Me