Cynical Romance – or Why Love Sucks

Not as cynical as it seems, alright~ 😀

From A Clogged Mind

You know you’ve said it. More times than you care to admit. Even in marriage. Hey, we all go through it. No one is immune. Those who say they haven’t are lying, delusional or scared to face it.

But that’s ok. The trick is to get through to the other side. Cynicism doesn’t have to cloud the happiness that true love gives in return.

Here’s a poem to ponder when love sucks and you just don’t want to believe it.

Cynical Romance

Moira said to me

And in no uncertain terms

That she loved me

I was taken aback

I never had love

I mean

Love was glitter

Unicorns and BS

Yeah it’s a cynic rant

That’s just how I feel

Telling her I felt

The same way was

A sucker move

She’d leave anyway

Like most do

It’s in their nature

For people to tell you

what they want


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Milestones, Turning Points, and Activity Updates – February 2018

I think this is quite a good time to say “The struggle is real.” orz

But hey, I also think I shouldn’t take not having posts this month as a big deal. Especially with me facing my emotional and spiritual issues (e.g. oversensitivity, fame-lust, self-loathing) more along with facing them IRL responsibilities. Thank God Almighty that my loved ones have been helping me there, indeed.

Still, I managed to write up some poems and lyrics for Tobbyworks. I can’t guarantee quicker processing, especially with how I am right now, though.

Also, I managed to write and submit a short story for a contest in my university. Along with that, I’ve been learning a lot of interesting stuff about literature and creative writing in English along with Japanese stuff through the struggles of homework and discussions. Special mention goes to my Non-Realist Fiction Writing Professor who’s like a nerdy doctor dad, along with my Japanese Language Professor who’s a real hilarious blast, too~

I also have a Spotify Premium subscription now, and I’d like to share my general faves playlist to y’all~ (Note: Also includes explicit content, so yeah, you’ve been warned~)

Ah, and I’d like to plug the Steam release of the Strange Men Series as well. Linking the Bundle Details here, yo~

Anyway, I can’t promise lots of updates here right now, so yeah, upcoming releases will be more like surprises as usual. Still, honest constructive feedback is highly encouraged and will be highly appreciated.

Milestones, Turning Points, and Activity Updates – January 2018

IRL stuff is still tough, but IRL stuff also feels more fun now. Thank God Almighty very much.

Yeah, that’s pretty much me last month, and probably will be more me this month and the next months. Not like I don’t like Tobbywork anymore, but I can only do so much of the things that I wanna do along with the things I need to do, so yeah, I need balance, indeed.

And hey, despite slower updating, I still think I can get some good stuff, or, well, stuff I’m pretty confident in, made and posted. I guess that should be expected, especially considering how my favorite artists take considerable amounts of time between releases, and I haven’t even mentioned the effort required to actually get the releases out and a bunch of other important things that are likely to send me off the rails if I try to discuss them all right here and right now!

Anyway, last month’s posts:

Now, I need to get more sleep and pull myself together better, so yeah, see you again in the den.

And hey, don’t forget the importance of honest constructive feedback!

The Empress and Her Guard

When I found a rose that knew her thorns,
I grew a garden rounder;
Thank her weedy floor.

No one liked to touch any part of her
Force she shimmered to shy,
Redness she murked and cried.

I hated her at first, and that was for certain
For roses were thorny and therefore broken.

Pieces rule the world, and she is its model
But then again, my theater’s in pieces yet made a prophet.

I became her guard because we are alike
And so I fink;
I still go to tinker.

“Empress” and “Praetor,” our “And dear” in titles–
I’ll root for this garden,
God, if good, please guard, then.

Milestones, Turning Points, and Activity Updates – December 2017 + 2017 in Review

Welp-dee-doo, 2018 is coming, and this year is certainly another year of progress for me, yo! I got into K-Pop and rap more, I started a Fate Series fanfic, I’m doing better at uni, I’ve gotten back into poetry again with more confidence, I’ve been reflecting a lot more, I’m getting more used to household chores, and there are so much more wonderful things that would probably end up as a text wall and should be a challenge for me to be more creative with such chunks of info for a year-in-review post like this!

Okay, how about some changing up for this time, then?

The Overlord Bear’s 2017 Highlights!

I have become a more solid multifandom K-Pop fan, yo! Though it seems like BTS, Seventeen, NCT, EXO, Twice, Blackpink, and Pristin have the tightest holds on me…and I even managed to make a K-Pop cover this year! And hey, I’ve been doing more lyric-writing and digital audio production (with LMMS and Audacity, still)! Vocal, rap, and instrumental arrange covers have been done, and translation covers (pretty much of Vocaloid songs) were also done! And although they’re not publicly up yet, I’ve been working on more of those along with making originals of my own, even in Filipino! I also got into GarageBand recently! And I think I still have ways to go before I manage to have professionally clean audio quality, though…and I haven’t really uploaded another original song with an MV…so I’ll make sure that MV will happen next year! Oh, and I’ve gotten more into Western music, particularly hiphop and EDM, if we’re talking about genres. twenty one pilots also became a more solid favorite of mine, and I even tried to do a cover of one of their songs! Ah, and I’ve gained interest in Gloc-9 and Inigo Pascual as well! This year has also been the year of kemu’s return, and it’s also the year when the KagePro crew’s back with a new song, “Shitsusou Word!” And thinking about covering it sometime, I end up thinking about how I currently have a lot of music productions in queue…which is both fun and challenging at the same time, hahaha…ah, and I’ve been trying to do freestyle rapping this year, which is still something I’m not very confident at, especially with longer lines…

I remember this year as the year when I worked on a reflection series called Beauty through the Ordinary, which lasted for a few months with a mostly weekly update schedule. I also managed to get some fiction pieces out, and there’s also a Filipino piece among them, “Nasisilawan na Harang!” “Chainbreak” is also something I’m particularly pleased with among my posted short stories this year! This year is also the year when I returned with poetry and poetry readings! Illustrations are also included there, though I have less confidence in those, hahaha…Anyway, I also have fanfiction updates, which includes slow but sure Wandering Weiss updates, a RWBY one-shot fanfic, a Final Fantasy V one-shot fanfic, a KagePro fanfic, a bunch of fills in the Professor Arc Forum (which I haven’t been visiting much lately), and a Fate Series multi-chapter fanfic titled “Crawling to the Dawn!” I also joined Storyteller’s Circle, a roleplaying-centered forum, where I’m now an approved user trying to find an interesting enough RP to join! Ah, and I’m looking forward to Creative Writing workshop classes at uni this coming semester! I still gotta learn how to write academically better, though…oh, and I would like to thank Mr. Jose Dalisay Jr. for being a wonderful professor! \(^o^)

I think Uri’s The Hanged Man was released this year? Well, considering how I remember meeting wonderful people like Biwa, Appleco, and tordoise through the help of that this year, then I guess it was released this year. Also, I bought the PC version of the first Dangan Ronpa game from Steam during the Summer Sale, I think (Thank you very much for reminding me about that back then, Ms. Serene Harper!)…but I haven’t been playing it much lately, hahaha…I just remember playing Confess Your Love, Cthulu Saves the WorldCivilization III (CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, YOOOOOOO)and Doki Doki Literature Club on Steam this year…Oh, and I’ve gotten into Let’s Players and gaming videos on YouTube again! Markiplier and VanossGaming are the only gamer YouTubers I’m subscribed to now, though…

Reading and Watching Stories!
I haven’t been solidly watching episodic series I like lately, it seems…I’ll probably continue watching RWBY Volume 5 once all its episodes are available, and when it comes to movies, I remember watching “Patay na si Hesus” (That was a movie with some striking weirdness), “Bar Boys” (Now that’s quite a story!), and “Despicable Me 3” (but I haven’t watched the previous installments before). As for reading stories, well, I had to do a lot of that thanks very much to university classes! It was both a disorienting and an enjoyable challenge, alright…and to my surprise, I even got the highest grade I could get from a class on Poetry, of all things, this past semester! I also went through a storm as I learned more about Creative Nonfiction and the complexities it brings (My earlier sessions with it had me very emotional, alright), and the Short Story was something I had fun learning about, with special mentions going to being able to have fun with reading all the assigned stories, to holding a panel discussion about Surrealist Fiction, and to making a rap battle with a bro of a classmate for our final project! And hey, I’ll be reading even more in the semesters to come! Like, I have stacks of books in my boarding house room, and I’ve been reading stuff like G.K. Chesterton’s Father Brown stories and a bunch of recent Filipino pop fiction…and yes, I still need to read a lot more…

Other Noteworthy Personal Stuff!
I’ve gained a boosted interest in the Kapampangan language thanks to uni and my family, and they’ve been giving me tips and pointers bit by bit! I’ve also gained a boosted interest in joining Christ’s Youth in Action in my university, and I think I’ve gained a new friend in university as well! I should talk with that new friend some more, though…Ah, and I tried to do comedy videos again, and I tried to do another voice acting impersonation…Hm, perhaps stand-up comedy isn’t something I’m meant for, though…Oh, and I also made progress with romance. And prayer habits too. And I’m getting more used to household chores as well, although my dieting and exercise all need to be better incorporated into my routine. And overall, I still need to work better and better. God Almighty keep on helping us all, and speaking of God Almighty, Thank You very much as well! \(^o^)/

So yeah, what do you think of that, dear readers?

Anyway, below is a list of this month’s past posts!

And with that, I’ll be wishing you all a Happy New Year!

And of course, honest constructive feedback is highly encouraged and will be highly appreciated! \(^o^)

Surprise! is My Consciousness of the World

Surprise! is my consciouness of the world
Why I am here, O God, please tell me clear
Out of a womb, I choke on apple seeds
Although the skin nearer to what Eve bit
And I should say that, perhaps, You are like
A question that begs us all with a fork
But that would prove that You are above us
For even the sarcastic professor
You draw bits from for our vaccination
So I wish to have Your Eyes, if allowed
Or at least, Your Hand that pulls us well
Despite contrary claims made by captains
Who rag up and tuck themselves to show down
Us fellow fools who believe in one God.

Fading into the Starry Background

The title of this piece isn’t really as severe as it sounds, but still, I have decided that this will be my last entry in the Beauty through the Ordinary series.

See, lately, I’ve had some particular changes and experiences in my social life. I won’t tell you every one of those, but the point there is that I’ve realized that I try to stand out too much.

And sure, being an artist means being under the spotlight, but reflecting on how I worry too much about what others think (and why I’m not getting much about what others think) along with getting insight from praying the Rosary about how to be properly ordinary by God’s standards, I’ve realized that maybe this sort of publicly posted reflection series would seem more like me just putting on a facade and being arrogant. That, and I think I’d be more interesting if I wrote about funny and/or wondrous events that happen to me every once in a while, as after all, that sort of stories, be they fictional or nonfictional, are the stories I’ve been living for ever since my childhood.

Hm, perhaps that’s what it means to be an artist, then? To show others the beauty and wonders of life? Perhaps that beautiful and wonderful quest is the ordinary of an artist, no?

Anyway, thinking about how I’ve been going along with this series before and how I’ve been going as Tobby online and all, I’ve also realized that I should focus more on the ordinary life I should live as a student, a brother, and a son. The time for me to be a professional artist will come, but for now, it won’t be healthy for me to try doing stunts with the arts without knowing where I’m jumping off from (and that’s something that all those academic paper requirements, among other things, are whapping my face back and forth about). And sure, I’m striking out on my own some more now, considering my boarding house stays, but I can and should be of more help when I’m at my family’s house, for what’s the point of dreaming to have a good family of my own if I don’t put effort into learning how to have such from my elders and my siblings? Like, really, I want my youngest brother to keep away from enjoying morally questionable things, but when there’s a chance for that, I’m just in my room, clattering my keyboard away…and also going through morally questionable things as well.

So yeah, this series shall come to an end with this entry. Don’t worry, though, since you’ll still find me making art, but again, I have to remind myself that stuff like this should be extracurricular for now. That, and I still have a lot to learn…God Almighty keep on helping us all, alright.

And with that, I’d like to remind you all again: Honest constructive feedback is highly encouraged and will be highly appreciated. ^_^

Lola’s Additions

On another Monday, a usually no-class day in which I would be available to pick up my youngest brother from school some barangays across my family’s house in the morning while my mother was out doing consultancy work and such, I was sluggishly preparing myself for that aforementioned task yet again.

Sure, I can go say “Mondays are horrible and are the worst day of the week for every person ever,” but then again, I had been up way late the night before that Monday, also sluggishly processing how the rest of my life would go, all while the majority of my mind was preparing its amateur promotional activities for my comeback as Tobby Who Tries to Sing.

And hey, it should be noted that those activities, along with all my activities as Tobby, are currently extracurricular. Not like losing sleep as a professional would be healthy, though.

Anyway, with me building and wrapping that chain of sluggishness around myself in my complex relationship with idolization, that Monday morning then had me staring at the monitor of my computer and doing extracurricular activities some more for seemingly short but actually long periods of time. Prayer ended up feeling more like a useless thing to do, especially when I and my rushing habits wanted me to pray the Rosary right when the clock was ticking for me to get to my youngest brother’s school already.

So yes, resisting further indulgence in digging through the highlights of the historical-to-the-world yet extracurricular-in-my-schedule performance of the Bulletproof Boy Scouts in the American Music Awards during that Monday morning, I managed to get myself bathed and dressed up for the task I had to embark on, along with swallowing my bitter pride and deciding to just discreetly use my Rosary beads while on a jeepney ride that will certainly be taking more than fifteen minutes because of expected traffic.

But before that, my dear maternal grandma asked me to buy squash at the supermarket, squash to mix in with the pork to cook for the next mealtime.

Also, before that request, she asked me to buy Cornettos as snacks for when I and my youngest brother got home as well.

It should also be noted that my rushing habits combined with my chain of sluggishness still aren’t totally dead yet, so yes, the pile-up quickly had me groaning when Grandma asked me to buy squash.

She then took back that request for squash from the supermarket, just letting me remember as far as the Cornettos while I focused on the urgent task of picking up my youngest brother from school. She didn’t shout at me when she took it back, though. To be more specific, the speed of her speech went up when she did the takeback.

Once I went out of the house and walked and commuted my way to my youngest brother, though, I guess my focus on the task at hand upped my focus on other more important things…things like what I should be doing once I really go out and be a young professional and more in the future.

I do feel thankful for Grandma understanding that my head was feeling piled-up already back there before I left the house, but then I thought of the inevitability of dealing with people who would also deal important tasks for me to do but won’t be as lenient as Grandma usually was to me. She also didn’t know that I was like that because of my own actions as well, actions she’d certainly fuss over.

I want to be a good citizen, a good family member…but how can I do that if I don’t put effort into serving other people? How can I do that if I don’t put effort into making sure that I would be fit enough to serve other people?

And certainly, I would need to stop doing certain things I’ve been quite into. I’d certainly need to spend less time reading fanfiction. I’d certainly need to admit that uploading Tobby works online takes chunks of time that are bigger than I think. And I’d certainly need to admit that I’ve been slipping up with this, stuffing thoughts about this reflection series in between my thoughts about the task of picking up my youngest brother and other important tasks I also want to finish in a flash.

And so, because of all those struggles, because of all those chores and errands being pushed to me, the most convenient and the most proper option my elders could find at the moment…well, I think I should be thankful for all that, especially to God.

Still, I have a long way to go.

Case in point: Grandma still packs the clothes I bring to my boarding house.

So yeah, God Almighty keep on helping us all.

And to my dear Grandma, whom I usually call “Mama” (while I call my mother “Mom” or “Mommy”)…Thank you very much for the inspiration. 🙂