Star-Crossed Chew Toys
a Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo! x RWBY fanfiction by The Overlord Bear
Summary: That unlucky man from R**nt’s here, Kazuma! And he’s way handsomer than I remember! Of course I’m leaving you, dumbass! I’ve been waiting for a moment this gIAH NO! WHY!? WHY!? YOU AND ERIS SHOULD GO DIE!
Previous Part: “The World of Remnant According to Aqua and Eris”
Probably Relevant Part: Weekend Meme Voice Acting Session 4
If you thought I was going to allow that useless goddess to take the storytelling reins this time, then you’re sorely mistaken.
How’s life right now? Oh, you know, it’s the usual everyday adventuring with a dash of saving here and there. And we’re going through another one of those dashes ’cause a certain someone got horny. And I thought she couldn’t get horny!
Oh no, I won’t be giving you sex scenes here. I’d love to take a crack at erotic fiction sometime, even the more spiteful sorts, but this story I’m telling you is not one of those. This story is actually about a guy who has to deal with a useless goddess falling in love with a bad luck charm. In hindsight, it makes so much sense…and now I’m realizing why I’m so unlucky as well. Damn it.
“Kazuma! He’s a scruffy drunkard who sexually harasses women left and right and gets away with it because he makes big money and fame and power for everyone else! Would Aqua allow me to share him with her, then? Besides, she’s also awakening to a very beautiful world I thought she’d never appreciate! I must teach her about its wonderful ways!”
Oh, and there’s that disgusting masochist, of course. Maybe all these are why I’ve been more into Megumin lately? But I digress.
Now, about the walking bad luck charm, the guy just barged into our everyday living one day, barging into the guild as my crazy party and I were looking for quests to take. He was all drunk and going on about how he was going to live life without any angst anymore, which would’ve been quite admirable had that useless goddess not swooned over him into further uselessness.
So I decided to take upon myself the duty of being these worse perverts’ chastity belts. Besides, if what Aqua said about that walking bad luck charm were really true, then I’d be doing everyone a great favor. Letting that guy get lucky, even if it’s just with that useless goddess, would obviously mean allowing a humongous disaster.
“So I got a sword that also turns into a shotgun and a scythe,” that guy bragged, and then some buckshot suddenly fired to the side.
“Huh, it’s just some cheap quickshot,” Megumin frowned like that wasn’t worse than one side of the building now having a giant hole from that clearly and scarily accidental shot. The other occupants of the building also got knocked out by falling objects shaken off by that destruction, making me shudder in fear and rush to get them out before anything worse happened to them.
“And what makes you say that, little girl?” I heard the scruffy guy ask back as I worked, and he seemed to be leering over Megumin. Then they had a staring contest.
Said staring contest then gave me ample time to finish my emergency job and then work on the next, which involved kicking the bastard’s crotch from behind.
“That’s my Megumin you’re leering over, you creepy old man!”
And then some wood fell on top of my head. Damn it!
“That’s what you get for being a lame creep, Lamezuma!”
“I wouldn’t mind a double-teaming from you and that man, Kazuma…”
“Now excuse me while I go make a real Explosion outside again…”
With this bad luck…can I blame that damned old man, then?
“I know my luck sucks,” I then heard the old man say as he dragged himself up, “But I wasn’t born totally helpless, you sleazy piece of shit!”
I managed to dodge the punch he threw as he turned to face me, but that resulted in…
…the scruffy creep motorboating a certain cute Thief, who then kicked him all over the building, which then caught fire through some borderline inexplicable twist of fate.
Fortunately, we of Axel managed to properly evacuate the area and completely put out the fire.
When we tried to look for that unlucky bastard, we only found a crow that pecked at my face before flying off. Aqua laughed at me there, Darkness wailed at the missed opportunity for depravity, and Megumin went on to do Explosion practice again.
Hopefully, Megumin’s Explosion at least nicked that guy who definitely can shape-shift into a crow.
As for our dear Thief, she was kind enough to vow to work as an Adventurers’ Guild employee for a good period of time. Lots more fun for us guys to have with her, then!
Meanwhile, deep in some woods, two unlucky people, an old Huntsman and a young Crimson Demon, literally bumped into each other.
The compromising position that resulted was then discovered by the Bloody Bronze Axis Amazon, who was out on another stroll to relieve her stress.
Needless to say, further disillusionment happened.
Author’s Note: Wait…if Kazuma’s luck is supposed to be high, and he has all these allies he considers useless…then is he just a gigantic tsundere?