The Good Shepherd’s Self-Love
some insomniac musings by The Overlord Bear/Jem De Ocampo
With how I curse my knowledge of my sheep, I might as well be a hireling. I could sell away these fellow sinful men, these short-sighted animals I have to shepherd like I was, to excess humiliation for my own convenience. And with this knowledge of my gravest hate so far, I strive to bounce back yet again by His will, letting His love for me transform my love for myself.
During a Sunday homily, I learned about the shortsightedness of sheep, which then had me further appreciating the Lord calling Himself the Good Shepherd in John 10:11-18. But before that, Verses 14 to 15 struck me well, especially Verse 14’s “I know my own and my own know me,” as I had recently further realized the current gravity of my hate for my fellow sinful men, whose salvation I love to claim to be fighting for.
I could call it a righteous hate, one that fights for women and the marginalized. I could call it a deeply ingrained instinct that will only be gone with my death. And I have considered it those before, considered it things more than what it truly was: a piece of hellish hatred for humanity, something that won’t do in the faith I strive to live by. And I considered it such because I just didn’t want to bother with any sort of pain even if it was more like the pain the Lord went through.
And I realized how hateful I was because of how much I struggled to come up with grounded words of encouragement for my fellow dumb and skirt-chasing men who want to become Holostarmin, fans of HOLOSTARS, the virtual YouTuber agency hololive Production’s male group, which had been reminding me of the fun I had as a student of Salesian priests. I had and claimed this desire to welcome warmly, yet what my fingers prepared were sarcastic and passive-aggressive mud to sling to my fellow toxic men, a sign that the desire mainly powering my efforts was actually a mix of the toxic male’s posturing and the proud victim’s unforgiveness. I knew them because I was one of them, but I sought to abuse them in return out of the desire to deserve.
With that, I found myself a bad shepherd. I hated them as much as I hated myself, unlike how God does the opposite to even someone like me. And somehow, with that knowledge that I know has brought me despair even as I expected it, I better understood how God’s love works through self-love, which is something we often mix up with selfishness.
Think of how you enjoy yourself around your favorite public figure. Even if you were the most private or reclusive fan, you end up wishing to share that joy you get from that public figure with someone else, knowing that they’re no public figure if they have no public following. You’d want that someone else to feel that joy alongside how you feel it, believing and hoping they’d feel the same even with the risk of being rejected. At the same time, you wouldn’t stand for your favorite public figure doing bad things, and if you know that you can help steer them away from doing evil, you would do all that you can for them there too.
Now imagine God being a fan of us mortals, serving us like how we would serve our favorite public figures. Imagine that perfect being with infinite love calling us to witness the joy He has serving us even when we put him through the worst punishments we can come up with. Imagine that perfect being serving us as much as He scolds us, so much that us mortal souls going to hell means just us mortal souls being our biggest haters, outdoing even the Devil and his demons, who would also envy even that sinfulness. Imagine that perfect being serving us just because He can every single moment of His life, doing His own thing as much as He lets us do our own thing. With doubt in God’s capabilities there, we’ll only see Him as an obsessive fan, a self-loathing doormat, and an insatiable master.
But even if we believe that imperfection is good, we mortals want to be perfect. And when we think ourselves perfect, we try to make others perfect like we are. Our Creator does that too, but unlike us, when He calls Himself perfect, He really means it. And from that love for Himself is that love for us that came before any of us mortals’ love. He knows us, and with how He knows all about us, He always believes in us. And at our worst behavior, we still know Him, although just a teeny-tiny bit.
In other words, God’s self-loving service is not the mortal’s selfish self-service, which is filling our hollows at the expense of others’ expendable contents. Rather, God’s self-loving service is sharing His infinite contents to not just fill our hollows but to also make us perfect servants like He is. And to love ourselves like He loves Himself is not trying to be infinite by ourselves or even keeping ourselves hollow. It is to make ourselves pathways for His infinite contents, trusting in how He’ll improve us even when His goodness exposes how hollow we are.
That’s also why I find expressions like “I don’t understand why they’re this good/evil” a sign of unwillingness to properly serve, something we all have and have to overcome. It’s even worse when we do understand yet try to pretend that we don’t, much like how Saint Peter denied Our Lord Jesus Christ thrice, and I am such a person, especially to my fellow men. With how I curse my knowledge of my sheep, I might as well be a hireling. I could sell away these fellow sinful men, these short-sighted animals I have to shepherd like I was, to excess humiliation for my own convenience. And with this knowledge of my gravest hate so far, I strive to bounce back yet again by His will, letting His love for me transform my love for myself.
And I think it is that transformation that cultivated my belief that life is not just about doing one’s best but also about learning one’s best. Just doing one’s best is so easy to use as an excuse for mediocrity and laziness, and there is so much good in ourselves that we are yet to know. And if my best is to be one of the nameless greats in the Communion of Saints rather than one of the named greats there? Then may His will be done upon this one of many sinners!
So yeah, that’s why I’d rather not see myself as just another villain we can cancel anytime anymore. That’s why I’d rather now see myself as a man learning and doing his best even if it means being outdone. And I came to that while I was seeking to naturally apply my faith into one of many interests that I care much about but may not care back much for my faith, especially publicly. And again, I ask that the Good Shepherd keep on challenging and guiding us sheep of His as He wishes, but now, my foolish yet learning self knows that He will do so not because He will stop on a selfish whim, but because He wishes to properly have our consent for Him to help us.
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